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Awesome and Funny Quotes
Transcript of Awesome and Funny Quotes
While it is true that "No one expects the SCP Inquisition!", that is only because there is no such thing.
Dr. Bright is not king of anywhere. Or queen.
Although it is entirely possible to use SCPs currently under control of the Foundation to create tentacle monsters, no.
There is no market for SCP brand pornography.
No, not even in Germany.
It probably would generate a great deal of revenue if sold in Japan but still, 682 on Iris, Jesus Christ man.
Any requests by Dr. Bright to utilize SCP-212 for enhancement are to be denied, due to several requests being submitted with the research goal stated as "to stick my privets in it and hope for the best."
This includes requests to use it for enhancement of other organs. I don't care how awesome you think it would be, Bright. You should not be allowed to have telekinesis.
May not use any form of the word 'accident' as an excuse
Violate the dress code, even on 'casual' Fridays.
No matter how many times you say please, Dr. Bright, we won't put any of the hats you've been asking about into the dress code.
Nor are you allowed to create and wear hats made using or out of various anomalous objects. We understand that your SCP-894 top hat collection has some tactical value, but that is not a valid reason to wear them in the presence of other researchers.
If an SCP file says never to do something, it is not because we want to control your mind.
Dr. Bright is not allowed anywhere near a Renaissance Festival.
Dr. Bright is NOT: A superhero of any sort, Head of Public Relations, in charge of Orientation for new staff, a doctor of psychology, made out of bacon, in possession of a IQ over 300, Head of SCP Review, or a member of Maintenance Staff.
There is no Ethics Committee.
And even if there was, does anyone believe Dr. Bright would be on it?
As anything other than a 'What not to do?'
Dr. Bright is not allowed to apply SCP-963 to any major political figures. Again.
Dr. Bright is not from an alternate timeline.
Dr. Bright cannot issue orders to "preserve the timeline".
Or to "corrupt the timeline".
Or to "screw with those history nerds".
Dr. Bright is not allowed to challenge anyone to a duel, and then give them SCP-572.
Dr. Clef and Dr. Bright are not allowed to interact without the presence of a responsible administrator.
Dr. Kondraki does not count as a responsible administrator.
Nor does Agent Strelnikov.
Or Dr. Mann.
In fact, let's just keep the two of them apart, period.
Chainsaws are not the solution to every question.
Nor is 'More Chainsaws'.
Or "Chainsaw cannons"
Except for that one time. And yes, it
SCP speed dating never happened. Any one who claims to remember such an event should report to Site Command for administration of Class A amnesiac.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to administer spankings to Dr. Rights as punishment, as it only causes more rules to be broken.
No, it doesn't matter that they are both "consenting adults", no matter how much either of them argue otherwise.
Dr. Rights is not allowed to spank the monkey.
Nor is she allowed to shock the monkey.
Or anything else related to the monkey.
"Accidentally" spilling green gelatin on a dead body in the presence of the O5 was funny exactly once, and the smell of excrement exuding from O5-2's khakis spoiled the moment.
Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to utter the phrase "More than 1,000 babies" in the presence of any SCP personnel.
Nothing in the Foundation is rated 'Over 9000.'
Stop posting classified information on 4chan.
If Dr. Bright has to ask, it's above his clearance level.
If it's above Bright's security clearance… run.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to declare war on any country, thing or person.
59.5) Strike that last sentence. Dr. Bright, I don't know where you found a 300-pound midget stripper with three teeth and severely disfiguring [DATA EXPUNGED], but please put it back.
Foundation credit cards or expense accounts are not to be used to purchase pornography.
Not even anomalous pornography.
Dr. Bright is not a "marital aid" and cannot refer to himself as such. Especially on official documents.
Dr. Bright is not the Lord of Rodly Might.
And is hereby banned from playing Dungeons and Dragons making use of SCPs to 'simulate the real danger.'
Dr. Bright is not allowed to go to fan conventions.
Let alone use them as recruitment drives.
not at Furry Conventions.
"For the Emperor" is not an acceptable justification for any decision.
"My evil twin did it" is no longer considered a viable excuse.
Nor is "My good twin did it," considering the implications.
Yes, forum trolls are annoying. No, they don't automatically become D-class personnel.
Not allowed to lace 'orgasm muffins' with Ex-lax. Again.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to send e-mails with memetic hazards attached.
Not even when replying to spam.
The "Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny" is not grounds to pit more than
combative SCPs, including SCP-682 and Able, against each other.
Any proposal which includes the phrase 'Metric Fuck Load' is straight out denied.
The Foundation motto is "Secure, Contain, Protect", not any of the following:
"Let's use it on 682!"
"Throw the cheese!"
"That's it, you're on Keter Duty."
"Blood makes the grass grow, kill, kill, kill!"
"Fuck trees, I climb clouds motherfucker!"
"Someone is getting stabbed."
But some days, it should be.
"Whose hand is that?"
"If all else fails, poop on it."
"If all else fails, there's always the sun."
"We need bigger kittens."
"Fuck Death, War, Famine and Pestilence. We've got Clef, Gears, Kondraki and Bright."
"Throw D-Class at it until it stops."
"447 and dead bodies, two great tastes that taste great together."
"Who wants to see what I can make the president do in public?"
"For the Horde!"
"Science for the Science God!"
"When in doubt, feed it to 682."
"We always need more Dakka!"
"Still Alive, and Found the Cake"
"Sex, Cocaine and Powwahh!"
Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to play "Hippocratic Oath Chicken" with the medical staff.
A full minute of stunned silence means "My God what did you do?" not "Please continue."
Pranks placed into new staff's desks are not funny because they "liquefied in record time."
Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to offer the solution of "Use more guns" to any problem.
Or "Get bigger guns."
Despite what he may say and any evidence, no matter how plausible, the SCP Foundation has never and will never be associated with Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and regardless of what Dr. Bright may say, he is not, and I quote, "A real life wizarding tutor." And we ask him to stop showing us his "wand".
Nor is he a vampire. That was body glitter and bad acting.
Yes, empirical evidence is the foundation of science. Yes, blind faith is the death of reason. No, this does not logically imply that anyone is ethically obligated to demonstrate the existence of breasts under laboratory conditions.
If Dr. Bright is ever found under the influence of any recreational substance, he must immediately be contained under level 15 containment. If you want to know why, please refer to the security tapes for ██/██/████ between the hours of ██:██ am and ██:██ pm.
If Dr. Bright is found deliberately getting high to get out of paperwork, he is to be placed in a Type 4 cell and hosed down with cold water from a pressurised hose for no less than 5 minutes. Maybe this will teach you that drugs are bad, m'kay?
Cthulhu and R'lyeh are not valid reasons to send Pandora's Box out into the Pacific Ocean in order to capture them. Furthermore, these are not even SCPs, and I will find the person who decided to enter a database file for them.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to upload visual memetic kill agents to 4chan 7chan, or any other imageboard.
Well, okay, maybe to 4chan. It'd be doing the gene pool a service.
Dr. Bright cannot change the standard issue D-Class uniform to black pants with a red polo shirt.
I see your reasoning, but we just don't want to be associated with Star Trek.
No matter how many times he may claim it, no matter how many uniforms we may confiscate, Dr. Bright is not a ninja, nor has he ever been.
There are no security codes for:
Zombie conga line
Extreme crotch violence
Man disguised as a palm tree
Man with porn 'stache
Kung fu rasta
Justifiable homicide of all you dumb ass mother humpers.
Bright Family Reunion (Code Brown. Find a place to hide, and make sure you leave an offering of booze outside your door.)
While humour can be an effective way to improve staff morale, it is highly inappropriate to make "Your mum" jokes in the vicinity of SCP-597.
Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to accept or use the following as payment for bets:
Anyone else's soul
Memories (real or imagined)
Pieces of your past (I have no idea how that worked with Clef, but apparently he can do it.)
The island of Manhattan
Gold spun from straw
A child's laughter
A child's tears
Nasal Virginity (I do NOT want to know)
Navel Virginity (What does this even MEAN?)
Any blood relative
No matter how many times he photoshops himself into a picture of SCP-682, and no matter how many Australians he possesses, Bright is not, and never was, the "Crocodile Hunter".
Nor does every SCP/D-Class "really hate it when you jam your thumb up their bum."
And he is not allowed to do that "Right naow!"
Dr. Bright is not allowed to tell new researchers experimenting on SCP-168 to divide by zero, find the square root of negative one, or find the last digit of pi using the SCP. Dr. ██████ is still comatose, and 168 itself is quite displeased with the event.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to plant SCP-2383-J into science labs. We're still picking up complaints from the office of Stephen Hawking.
No, not even for the good of "SCIENCE!"
Or even as "Science for the Science God". Dr. Bright is also not allowed to refer to himself as such either.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to use SCP-587 to re-enact the locker scene from Men In Black, nor play Godzilla with its inhabitants.
Nor is he allowed to set himself up as a god to them.
Testing between SCP-786 and SCP-587 is also banned. "David and Goliath" scenarios are just as harmful to its inhabitants as the Godzilla incident.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to use SCP-786 to simulate "Dwarf Fortress".
Dr. Bright is not allowed to show SCP-682 any of the following:
any Uwe Boll movies
Manos: The Hands of Fate
movies considered "so bad they're good"
movies considered "cult classics"
you know what, Dr. Bright is just not allowed to show SCP-682 any movies at all, ever.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to use SCP-559 with one candle in order to [DATA EXPUNGED] attempted breast-feeding incident.
In fact, let's just amend that to 'Dr. Bright is not allowed to be breast-fed. Period'.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to send anything into the past, future, or to alternate dimensions.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to accuse people of being duplicates of himself with the intention of having them terminated, unless they actually are duplicates of himself.
Dr. Clef is not allowed to convince people Dr. Bright is a copy of him.
Dr. Bright may not put "A cup of orgasm" from SCP-294 through SCP-914 on the Very Fine setting.
Dr. Bright may not use SCP-294 to create a "cup of memetic orgasm" and use it on worldwide television.
Dr. Bright is not permitted to use SCP-294 to create orgasms of any kind, memetic, sentient or otherwise.
Given the results of requesting a cup of "Dear God No", Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to use SCP-294 directly or outside of approved testing.
Given that he asked another staff member to request a "Cup of Explodium" from SCP-294 to "see what would happen", Dr. Bright is not allowed to ask other staff members to access SCPs for him, no matter how instructive, funny or helpful the results would be. The only exception to this is SCP-963.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to make, accept, or take a rake-off on, bets concerning XK-class End-of-the-World Scenarios.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to organize, authorize, or create in any form, a "Foundation Demolition Derby, starring SCPs 2383-J, 708, 666-J, 2558-J, 1543-J, 2041-J, 2103-J, 968, 462, 115, and 225 for the grand finale" No.. just no. Not even if you try to throw in 682 trying to disguise it as a termination attempt.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to request access to all cubical SCPs to make a fort of any kind.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to arrange, schedule, advertise, promote, or sell tickets to, "cage matches" between any SCPs.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to combine a cadaver infected with SCP-008 with SCP-217.
Dr.'s Bright and Clef are no longer allowed to engage in research any activity involving any amount of superballs.
"Challenge Accepted" is not a valid excuse for anything.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to dress up as Joseph Stalin and ambush Agent Strelnikov in the hallways.
Actually, Dr. Bright shouldn't be allowed to dress up as any Communist dictator, there's no way it could end well.
Dr. Bright is not allowed near any carbonated beverages while in possession of Mentos-branded mints. The last time that happened he somehow managed to cause an earthquake in the east cost of the United States. Update: Dr. Bright is not allowed to claim responsibility for earthquakes and other natural disasters unless he is actually responsible for them.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to dare new personnel anyone to play 'peek-a-boo' with either SCP-569 or SCP-173.
When ordering things online, send them to PO Box ████ and not directly to Site 19. We've already had three postmen show up at the front door. (How did they even find us?) Dr. Bright is also not to give directions to Site 19 to non-Foundation personnel.
Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to give navigational directions to anywhere, especially to Foundation personnel.
Any proposed containment procedure that includes the phrase "Giant Robot" is to be automatically rejected.
Excessive force is not the same as the Force, therefore using it does not make Dr. Bright a Jedi.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to use SCP-914 to craft items from Team Fortress 2.
Yes, a Medigun would be a useful tool for the Foundation medical staff. No, we are not going to waste any more SCP-500 attempting to make one, especially not after SCP-427.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to use SCP-914 to craft items from Minecraft, either. Also, your "Diamond Pickaxe" has been confiscated.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to tell future hosts that "You are about to become very Bright".
And he can't tell anyone that "Possession is nine-tenths of the law".
Dr. Bright is not allowed to refer to D-class personnel as "extra lives".
SCP-001 is not Dr. Bright's penis.
The hammer is not his penis.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to use his genitals for construction purposes.
Dr. Bright possesses the ability of consciousness transfer and the artifact SCP-963. He does not possess any of the following:
ANY Lantern Ring.
an "adamantium" skeleton.
a map leading to "ALL OF THE NAZI GOLD".
the "Ancient" medallion.
a copy of the Necronomicon.
A King James version of the Necronomicon.
cybernetic implants of any kind.
the "Dragonzord". I don't care how you did it, put it BACK.
the 7th Element of Harmony.
the original filming model of any fictional spacecraft.
1337 H4x00r sKi11z. (Translation: leet hacker skills.)
the 6th sense.
The ability to distinguish between butter and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
If Dr. Bright's current form is sighted near an armory without express permission, initiate Evacuation Procedure ███-██.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to give any SCP access to this document without O5 approval.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to convince other personnel that they are actually Dr. Bright.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to challenge SCP-082 to a drinking contest. (Even if he's positive he can win.)
We have never had a Jamaican Vacation Giveaway, Dr. Bright is not in charge of it, and SCP-342 is not the official Foundation Travel Voucher.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to challenge Dr. Gerald to a race involving anything.
SCP-963 is not a 'soul gem', and making a contract with Dr. Bright will not turn you into a 'magical girl'.
Not even if he includes a 'magical girl outfit'.
Under no circumstances is Dr. Bright allowed to expose SCP-137 to Warhammer 40K minifigures. Again. Not even in an attempt to terminate SCP-682.
Or anything made by Wondertainment.
Not allowed to have Able get into arguments with forum trolls.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to go trick-or-treating, ever.
Able is not Kratos.
Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to produce, create or remind staff of "SCP Robot Wars".
Copies of SCP-1981 are not to be submitted to "America's Funniest Home Videos".
Or posted on YouTube.
Or on YouPorn.
Or to Tosh.0.
Dr. Bright is not the "final boss" of anything.
Dr. Bright has not "won the internet" and is not authorized to declare that any other individual has done so.
Nor is he allowed to claim or distribute instances of SCP-335 under said premise.
Dr. Bright is not to show junior staffers his 'cutie mark'.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to use SCP-137 on any Hasbro product.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to submit any incident reports to the Darwin Awards. Not even if you are sure it would win.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to teach SCP-1370 to play multiplayer video games. It was not an improvement giving it the vocabulary of the average preteen ████ player, or introducing it to the concept of "teabagging."
The eye-pods do not need hats, bow ties or any other form of clothing.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to use expunged data in SCP reports as "mad-libs".
The following items are not SCPs:
"Rainbooms", whether sonic or otherwise.
Rocks that skip three times before they go underwater.
"Actually funny SNL skits" As these do not exist, they cannot be SCPs.
People who can solve Rubik's Cubes (of any size).
Dr. Bright is not allowed to test internet "Creepypasta" rites using Class-D personal.
SCP-963 is not a "Millennium" item.
Dr. Bright should refrain from trying to convince SCP-237 to become a "Brony".
Not even to improve his disposition.
For that matter, trying to make SCP-042 a Brony will just make things worse.
Putting an equine, no matter how small, through SCP-914 on very fine again is strictly forbidden.
No, you cannot keep it.
The answer to a containment breach is never to "recruit a team of teenagers with attitude".
Or to "send five rings to five special young people".
Or to ask junior staffers if they are "bad enough dudes" to contain the breach.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to claim he "has been trained to conquer galaxies".
Dr. Bright may not attempt to neutralize SCP-682 using "the Power of Friendship", "the Power of Love", or any other sort of "Power" which has not been proven to actually exist.
The Chaos Insurgency has no interest in "summoning Daemons to the material universe to serve the Ruinous Powers of Chaos" and therefore, Dr. Bright is not permitted to inform new researchers otherwise.
SCP-1916 only works if administered orally. We know this. There is no reason to test further, Dr. Bright.
"Why not?" is not considered authorization for SCP cross-testing.
The foundation has no Mobile Task Force dedicated to the capture and containment of forum trolls.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to found a new Mobile Task Force dedicated to the capture and containment of forum trolls.
The Serpent's Hand is not a synonym for masturbation.
"Yo mama" is not "so ugly SCP-096 didn't look at her."
SCP-173 is not a babysitter. Having SCP-173 play 'Where's the baby?' is downright cruel. Not, as Dr. Bright claims, '[EXPLETIVE] hilarious.'
Dr. Bright is no longer invited to the Annual Foundation Holiday Party.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to host his own Foundation Holiday Party.
The Foundation Holiday Party is canceled indefinitely.
SCP-682 does not have a Wondertainment logo stamped on its upper palate.
Or on its posterior.
Playing the song "Thriller" in the presence of SCP-008 victims is expressly forbidden.
Letting out SCP-008 victims and punching them "to simulate Minecraft" is also forbidden.
Pushing several agents in front of SCP-008 victims "to simulate Resident Evil" is not a valid excuse, either.
Dr. Bright is no longer allowed near victims of SCP-008.
SCP-682 will not be sated by the ritual sacrifice of a virgin.
Filming, directing, or performing in celebrity sex tapes are not appropriate work assignments for Mr. Deeds.
Anything involving the words "elephant sauce". Site 19 is still recovering from the last incident.
"I like a little junk in the trunk" is not valid authorization to feed SCP-1575-1 to an elephant.
Dr. Bright is, under no circumstances, to attempt possession of SCP-682.
"No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service" does not imply that pants and undergarments are not required parts of the dress code.
Doubly so, since, "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service," is not a part of any official foundation dress code.
Dr. Bright is not to use this list as a resume.
Dr. Bright may not begin his sentences with "Thou shalt not", especially in the presence of SCP-343.
Use of ANY number of negatives to obtain security clearances will result swift punishment.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to recreate any experiment seen on the television program "Mythbusters" using any SCP.
Especially not if he "can do it better."
Regardless of whether or not it exists, Dr. Bright certainly does not enjoy diplomatic immunity as the local Consul of the Islamic Republic of Eastern Samothrace.
SCP-1156 is not Dr. Bright's "royal steed".
Dr Bright is not allowed to use SCP-1543-J to launch SCP-727-J into itself. Again.
Even if Dr. Bright is wearing an eyepatch, he is not allowed to "Keel-Haul" anyone.
Not even on "Talk Like a Pirate Day".
Talk Like a Pirate Day is not allowed to be celebrated at Site ██. Any personnel violating this rule will walk the plank be severely disciplined.
There is no such thing as "Talk Like a Ninja" day, and Dr. Bright is not allowed to create it.
Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to interview new personnel.
not if they ask for him.
Dr. Bright is not Kenny. We also ask new researchers (and Bright) to stop referring to him/self as such.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to play "SCP Roulette" with SCP-173, a light switch and any combination of D-class and new personnel.
Dr. Bright is not to ask SCP-738, "What would you want in exchange for not making this deal with me?"
Although "Secure Contain Protect" is an anagram of "Erotic Teen Cactus Porn", Dr Bright is specifically forbidden to either produce, or arrange to produce, any such material.
The fact that SCP-682 regenerates all lost tissue does not make it an "infinite hamburgers machine".
Most especially because they tasted horrible.
Dr Bright is not allowed to use SCP-127 to place projectiles under his pillow for the "Tooth Fairy" to give him money.
Dr Bright is not allowed to use SCP-252-ARC on any person or organization affiliated with Westboro Baptist Church.
Dr Bright is not allowed to attempt to "sic the Horizon Initiative" on the above religious organization.
Dr Bright may not request a pool of D-Class recruited solely from members of the above religious organization.
Dr Bright is not allowed access to Popular Science Magazine. That How 2.0 section is way too dangerous for Bright to see now that they've shown how to create cyborg cockroaches.
Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to declare "After ten thousand years I'm free! It's time to conquer
!" upon assuming a new host.
All Foundation personnel are now required to attend a seminar on the difference between an original idea and a good idea before being allowed new or continuing contact with Dr. Bright, Dr. Clef, or Dr. Kondraki.
Dr. Bright does not have ten tons of gold hidden somewhere at Site 19.
SCP-963 is not to be given away as a "good luck charm".
Dr. Bright is not a wizard, no matter what he might tell you.
He is not an alchemist either, and is not to be consulted regarding alchemical issues.
Or a witch.
Dr. Bright is not magic and cannot perform magic, and must give sufficient explanation for any actions he undertakes.
Dr. Bright is not, nor has he ever been, the "Undisputed SCP Intercontinental Champion".
Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to run through Site 19 any site while screaming "THE KETER IS LOOSE" unless it's an actual emergency.
Claiming it's for research on the effects of social engineering is not an emergency.
Nor is using it to clear out the areas Dr. Bright is otherwise restricted from entering due to reasons given on this list.
Dr. Bright may not start referring to any persons or SCPs as "The Keter" in order to circumvent these rules, unless they are actually classified as Keter.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to perform any tests or experiments utilizing the reproductive organs of any dead or living being, including himself.
Dr Bright may not tell D-Class Personnel newly recruited staff anyone that SCP-920 will ''show them to their quarters''. Again. We are still looking for 12 D-class Personnel who have disappeared in the Pyrenees.
Dr. Bright may never attempt to ingest SCP-184 "to win a pie eating contest", nor any other kind of eating or drinking contest.
After what happened last month, Dr. Bright is not allowed to watch
ever again. I think most of the people involved (that are still alive) are still in the psychiatric ward.
Dr. Bright is not a Reaver and may not handle any form of sharp tool unless under protection of at least two (2) L-3 guards armed with stun guns.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to show anyone, including SCP-682, the porn he watches. Seriously, the last guy to go through that hell had to be put in a straightjacket!
Dr. Bright is not allowed to come within 5 meters of any explosive device or detonation device. Remember what happened at Area-█.
Not even if Dr. Iceberg asks nicely
Trying to "Blow Up 682" is not a valid excuse.
Dr. Bright is not permitted to be within thirty feet of children, "kids", "youngsters", "kiddies", "lads", "lasses", "bundles of joy", "bundles of fun", or "scoops of love" after the incident at [REDACTED]. Exceptions may be made in extreme cases of emergency.
Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to stand in a corner and twiddle his thumbs.
Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to use the words "swag" , "swag it", "swagginator", "swaggify", or "super swag" to define himself or any other person(s).
'YOLO' is not an excuse for anything. Most especially because it does not apply to him.
Neither is 'Why not?'.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to ask Mr. Deeds to do any of the things on this list.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to speak in a voice resembling a movie character.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to reenact any movie. Even G-rated ones.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to do ANYTHING relating to the sport of cheerleading.
Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to say "Everything the Bright touches is our kingdom"
Nor is Dr. Bright is allowed to say "Everything touched by the holy Bright belongs to Church of Bright."
Dr. Bright may not attempt to digitally enhance any of the original Star Wars movies.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to advertise himself on online dating services.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to use this list as a to-do list.
Dr. Bright is not L. Ron Hubbard incarnate, and is not allowed to tell personnel otherwise.
Dr. Bright is not Sherlock Holmes and is not allowed to say what he thinks a person's appearance means about them to any reality bending SCP.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to cause a containment breach of any kind just so he can have a "case."
Neither is he allowed to convince anyone to be Watson.
Dr. Bright may not urge bereaved staff members to "look at the Bright side".
Nor is he allowed to refer to any name-related puns as "[his] Bright ideas".
Dr. Bright is not allowed to refer to any SCPs, Foundation resources, or personnel as his "fancy dancing pants".
Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to commit "Seppuku."
Even if he has an audience.
a captive one.
Dr. Bright is not in possession of any of the following: A bright-mobile, brighterangs, a bright-claw, a bright-suit, or a baseball-bright.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to yell "To the brightcave!".
Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to sing "Silent Night" following the "All is Bright" incident
Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to commission, produce, advertise, or display animated videos to anyone with the subject, "What Happens When You Fuck Up Containing SCP (insert SCP here)"
NO, it is NOT educational, Bright. Not the way you show it.
Dr. Bright is not allowed funding to replicate the experiments of Doctor Krieger from
Dr. Bright is not to be referred to as "Rainbow Brite".
Dr. Bright is not allowed access to infants for the purpose of becoming "the Baby New Year".
Dr. Bright is not allowed to create a "The Things Dr Bright Is Allowed To Do At The Foundation" list by listing everything that isn't on this list. Just because it isn't on this list doesn't mean you should do it.
He may however request for one to be created.
He may not, however, suggest what should be on said list.
Dr. Bright is not to attempt to neutralize SCP-1013 just because he "can do Fluttershy's stare."
Dr. Bright must not create an infinite logical loop to less feeble minded individuals.
Dr. Bright is not "Troll Jegus", no matter how much candy corn he steals!
There is no such department known as "The Bright Ideas Department." Furthermore, if such a department did exist, Dr. Bright would not be in the employ of this department.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to throw himself through a window "to prove that the glass is unbreakable." For any reason whatsoever.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to use any green dyes for the purpose of "being creative".
"Because reasons" will no longer be accepted as a viable excuse for removing ANY SCP from containment.
Dr. Bright may not refer to anyone as a "peasant."
Dr. Bright is not allowed to arrange gladiatorial arena combat between D-class, ESPECIALLY if any SCPs are used as weapons.
SCP-173 does not "just want a hug" and Dr. Bright may not attempt to convince anyone otherwise.
"Because there's an alternate universe me who wouldn't do it" is no longer a valid reason for violating containment procedures.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to attack instances of SCP-217 claiming that "the Borg have attacked".
Dr. Bright is not an instance of SCP-1000, and is not allowed to claim otherwise.
Especially not when using the body of a primate.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to claim that Researcher Zyn Kiryu is the new "Master of Butterflies" due to her extensive work on butterfly-related SCP items.
"King of the Booterflies" is not an inheritable title. No, not even if Kondraki really is dead, which, if true, Dr. Bright isn't cleared to know.
Researcher Zyn Kiryu is also not to be referred to by Dr. Bright as "Queen of the Butterflies", "Mistress of the Butterflies", "Supreme Princess of the Butterflies", "Great Shepherd of the Butterflies", "Second Cousin of the Butterflies", or "Major Associate of the Butterflies," or any other grandiose title referring to butterflies.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to tell new Foundation recruits fictional horror stories involving his family.
Dr. Bright is not allowed to tell new Foundation recruits
horror stories involving his family.
"You will punch sharks. When not punching sharks, you will be planning on punching sharks. You will be developing new ways to punch sharks. You will read about punching sharks. You will write about punching sharks. You will study punching sharks. You will dream about punching sharks. You will jump the shark. You will collect and contain paranormal objects, and then use them to beat up sharks."
Under no circumstances should this shark be kicked, as
it may kick back
This odd story is pretty entertaining, but the real hilarity comes in the discussion page. After some conversing, Clef (the real guy, not the Foundation character) challenges another user to write a story titled "Poopstick McGee and the Flying Walruses". The user aptly replies:
TroyL: ...Challenge accepted.
Dr. Clef: Oh God.
It has the dubious honor of being the only thing that could make SCP-682
Accidentally blinked. Mini-173 tried to strangle my penis. I quit.
-"Why aren't you shitting your pants with excitement?!"
-"WHAT THE FUCK IS A DOWNVOTE?!!!"
-"Those tomato slices are like fucking shuriken."
-"Yes, I've been playing chess with 914. Yes, I'm aware it's supposed to be non-sentient, but that hardly explains why it's winning."
-Able tries a drink based on 447-2, noting its "refreshing" flavor. But when he's told of the effects of 447-2 he just backs out and loses interest. Yes, even a
psychopathic killing machine
is afraid of what will happen when 447-2 meets a dead body.
-"SCP personnel below Level 3 are now banned from handling SCP-500. This is not to be used to cure a hangover. Get AIDS and then ask permission."
-I have no wish to risk being molested by a soft drink.
-A "Ninja Chocolate Bar": lists "ninja" as an ingredient, and identical to ordinary chocolate, except when it's opened a ninja appears out of nowhere and punches you in the stomach, only to disappear just as mysteriously.
-When it dispenses a six-inch long caramel figurine of SCP-682, the local Nigh Invulnerable, regenerating Bad Ass monster...that proceeded to "... do an apparent barbershop routine, dancing with a suddenly materializing cane and hat upon the counter. Music came from an unidentified source and resembled a standard barbershop routine, but those present were unable to place the singers."
-A penis made of chocolate. Filled with liquid white chocolate.
-Another test had the subject insert a piece of paper into the coin slot with "900,000 yen" written on it. SCP-261 dispensed a clear plastic resealable bag containing a "warm, brown, thick substance" with "B.S." written on the side. Testing of the material inside the bag revealed it was real bullshit.
-"God dammit, which one of you [REDACTED] gave it 2 MB of porn?!"
-"How the fuck did these children gain knowledge of the workings of a M1 Abrams Tank, no less [EXPUNGED]!?"
-Who the hell thought it would be a good idea to tell her about "Santa Claus" and then tell her that it was just a story?! Now we have another potential SCP to deal with, but we can't catch him because he is "magic".
-Interviewer: Yes, I understand all that perfectly. I'm just curious: was it REALLY necessary to cast the kill item in the shape of a giant steel fist?
Clef: Not really, no.
Eat that cake or
Item: Dr. Djoric
Tissue Test Record:
Termination Test Record:
Dr. Djoric walks slowly into SCP-682's containment cell. SCP-682 notices Dr. Djoric, roars and begins dashing towards Dr. Djoric. Dr. Djoric extends his right arm and makes a gun shape with his fingers, closes one of his eyes, and says, "Pew! Pew! Pew!". SCP-682 stops charging, falls to its side and makes an angry gurgling noise. Dr. Djoric steps closer to SCP-682 and repeats the procedure. SCP-682 stops moving altogether. Dr. Djoric exits testing containment cell, and D-class personnel are sent in to test SCP-682's life signs. Two minutes later, D-class personnel report that SCP-682 has no observable life signs, and are allowed to leave containment cell. Corpse of SCP-682 still exhibits regenerative qualities and is being kept for study, however SCP-682 has been reclassified as Neutralized/Safe.
What. - O5-7
WHAT. - O5-3
ARE YOU [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] KIDDING ME. - O5-11
“He’s enjoying this too much.”
“Eh, let him have his fun.”
“No, look at him. These are
With a flash of light, a Charmander appeared before Bridge. He picked Ball #1 from his belt and -
A flash of light; a flash of red; a huge, hulking
appeared. A spine-sail down its back; its mouth filled with enormous, glowing, red teeth; sightless, eyeless face; unmoving mouth, laughing with many voices.
“… Oh my god.”
“… What the fuck.” Dodridge breathed flatly.
“I think it’s the one we shot the lungs out of. In the game world it won’t kill Bridge. I think. ”
“… Really? REALLY?”
“… Goddamn. It ate the fucking mime.” Dodridge sank into a seat.
“MISTER, Mime, to be completely accurate.”
“Shut up. Just shut up. I feel sick.”
“What the fuck was that.” Dodridge paled.
“Don’t tell me you didn’t expect it.” Lament sighed, leaning an elbow on the desk.
“… How… no. He’s fighting math. He
“I’m checking the Foundnet to see if anything breached containment. Just settle down and let me look for 106.”
"My job is done. Go face your next challenge." Bruno grunted as he turned away from Bridge.
“Well fuck you too. Come on Laze, lets kick the shit out of some old ladies.”
Apocalypse demonstrates what happens when both sides come to this conclusion at the same time. Piles of rusted metal coated with guns and chainsaws, black hole grenades, tanks large enough to qualify as small cities, and Tyranid horrors that look like bad-tempered hills with spiky legs happen.
For more homebrewed goodness, there is the Viewtiful Warrior, a burst-damage combatant which, due to the creator vastly overestimating high-level monsters, is capable of wiping out mighty dragons in SECONDS with a swarm of Voomerangs.
Even the most basic ork likes to carry an ax big enough to cut a man in half with little effort. When guns enter the equation, walls of lead and steel will regularly cross the battlefield. And it only goes up from there, until you get gargants, Humongous Mecha that are basically made of gun, and carry an appropriately huge ax. The only reason they have little mention in this page is because it'd be too long; everything an ork does is overkill in at least one way.
Warhammer without the 40K is pretty big on the overkill factor, as well. The Orcs aren't quite as obsessed with dakka as the Orks, but only because they've been too busy beating the crap out of everything else to invent it themselves.
In Just Cause 2... Let's just put it this way. You have options. Sure, you can shoot a guy in the head with a revolver, but where's the fun in that? Why not attach his military jeep to a helicopter and drop him from a mile high, Blues Brothers style? Or throw him out of the jet plane he was piloting, attach him to it using a grappling hook, and then crash the entire thing into a military base for bonus points?
Before them all came Turok; a series of games that lived and breathed this trope. The original game had the
, which fired off four high explosive missiles at once - and it was one of the
weapons in your inventory. The
was basically a tactical nuke-cross-BFG that decimated everything within a square-kilometre in a bright red flash. The... You know what? Just watch this.
Its sequel, Turok 2: Seeds of Evil, actually managed to
. Because hunting dinosaurs requires heavy firepower. Aside from the usual final-game devastators, a particular mention goes to the Cerebral Bore, which fires shots that embed themselves in your enemy's skull. Then they start
. Then they
. One-shot-kill everything.
Moreover, Turok really doesn't do any hunting himself (though some dinosaurs do attack, and some are actually armed later on), but rather, he fights many humans clearly designated as hunters/poachers. That's right. Turok carries enough firepower to hunt people who have enough firepower to hunt dinosaurs.
Obviously they didn't do a good enough job of discouraging the inventor, since A Crack In Time brought us the RYNO V. This was unanimously voted the weapon "Most Likely To End All Life As We Know It", outlawed everywhere, and, again, the plans were torn apart and scattered to the winds. The RYNO V is notable for having an inbuilt speaker system that plays the 1812 Overture whenever you fire it. Because, you know, when you've got that much firepower, why the hell not?
“You don't understand! The stone is on fire! Underwater!”
“Don't be silly: the water is too busy exploding to be on fire!"
Need to question some criminals? Knock down the wall of their warehouse with a cargo hauler and shoot them all in the knees. Turns out they're not the ones who have what he needs to know? Knock down the
warehouse's wall with a cargo hauler and kneecap the men inside. Need to question a mercenary boss? Blow up his car with a
Mercury: You threw a fucking train.
Moon: I wanted to be thorough.
Their reaction to most things is to nuke it, or if it's not enough, then nuke it with bigger nukes. And if that's not enough, ask Tollans for even bigger ones.
The Infinite Loops has "Seapony Diplomacy". Their solution to an infestation of Xenomorphs? Once they discover that the xenos aren't friendly, they glass the planet. Then they blow up the planet. Then they throw the remains of the planet into the nearest sun. Then they
blow up the sun
. All while merrily singing and laughing. This is their usual reaction to most problems: throw explosives at it until the problem is dealt with.
Torgue is adamant about destroying laser guns in Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel! because they don't explode. At one point, he sends fifty barrels of high explosives crashing down on a laser rifle, via spaceship, so it explodes the bridge it is on and makes it fall into a river of lava. Keep in mind: this was to destroy
, on the other hand, will be destroyed in every way it is possible to be destroyed, and even in some which are essentially
The 'fatality' move of Smoke: when the opponent is dazed and reeling from side to side, the robot's chest opens and a bunch of small bombs tumble out. Cut to a shot of the planet Earth from orbit — which then goes Kaboom, captioned with the rather helpful assessment that "Smoke Wins".
In Mortal Kombat 9, the first of Quan Chi's fatalities involves ripping off your opponent's right leg and then hitting him with it so that he falls to the ground. Once in the ground, Quan Chi hits him in the head twice with his own leg and then it explodes in little fragments. And after that he
keeps beating him to a pulp while the fatality assessment shows up and until you exit the match
. Who needs necromancy, eh Quan Chi?
The expansion pack for Age of Mythology allows the player to create a Titan (i.e. a
). They cost almost as much as a Wonder and take almost as long to construct (i.e. a shit-load of time and money), but watching an unstoppable hundred-metre-plus-tall engine of destruction effortlessly carve through enemy armies and bases is extremely satisfying.
The RYNO IV (from Tools of Destruction) was banned in 59 galaxies, including the one that you're currently in, and the mere act of
about it is grounds for being thrown into Zordoom Prison indefinitely. The original holoplan was torn into 12 pieces and thrown across the galaxy, so nothing like it could be built ever again (as Gadgetron thought it was too dangerous, and we're talking about a company that sells
portable black hole launchers
. To quote: "point away from face").
"I can't believe I get paid for this!"
"This is the laws of physics on drugs."
It's got to be worth something when the soundtrack for Just Cause 2 is called "Music To Blow S**t Up By".
601. If we run out of cannonballs armadillos will not do in a pinch.
798. Not allowed to use guppies as buckshot.
1695. Can't load the shotgun just with rock salt because I'm feeling mean.
1815. Can't have a gun capable of using other PC's as ammo.
2016. While extremely cool, my superhero needs something more than just a gun that fires badgers at people.
2076. If I'm commissioned to build an artillery gun, they don't mean a gun that fires howitzers.
550. Dwarves can indeed tell the difference between their genders.
1207. There is no such thing as "ambiguously elven".
1218. Elves do not have to go to the bathroom in groups.
1418. The Elvish language is not just English with a hell of a lot of lisping.
1474. The concept of puberty is not alien to the elves.
1720. Contrary to popular opinion, the girdle of masculinity/femininity does have a noticeable effect on elves.
1850. There is also an elven word for "heterosexual".
1932. I will stop telling people the elf is openly fey.
1336. Even if we are told to pick a manly name for the game, Genocidicles is a bit much.
207. The following weapons are not legal choices in a duel: Steamroller, Nerve Gas, Landmine, Midget.
71. There is no 'annoy' setting on a phaser.
328. I cannot keep my phaser on disintegrate just because it's the coolest setting.
1989. Can't set the Death Star to stun.
2312. You can only make so many called shots to the groin until it's an alignment check.
1579. No one in the party gets to name their character Kurgen McAsskicker.
11. Not allowed to berserk for the hell of it, especially during royal masquerades.
240. Any character with more than three skills specializing in chainsaw is vetoed.
652. My fighter cannot take the flaw: Addiction - stabbing things.
680. My axe doesn't go off accidentally when I'm cleaning it.
1912. No more surprise parties for the berserker.
1369. Elves do too have nipples.
64. My paladin's battle cry is not "Good for the Good God".
74. My thief's battle cry is not "Run And Live".
75. Nor is it "You take care of the orcs, I take care of the traps".
317. My battlecry is not 'Now young Skywalker you will die'.
355. My monk's battlecry is not "Round 1: Fight!"
420. "For the King" is an example of a good battle cry. "Smoke the Mother" is not.
485. My Mossad agent's battlecry is not "Torah, Torah, Torah".
490. Quoting Bob Dobbs while charging into battle is unusual. Quoting Bob Newhart is right out. Quoting Bob Dillan is just silly.
909. Dual wielding spike chains does not let me use the battlecry "DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER!"
1382. Growing a goatee will not give me a bonus for sneaking into the villain's lair.
112. If the gun can't fit through the x-ray machine, it doesn't go on the plane.
192. If the gun is best fired using the artillery skill, my character is not allowed to have it.
217. If the weapon is capable of staking vampires hiding behind engine blocks, I can't have it.
589. If my gun on a scale of 1-10 is a 7, it's vetoed if that's the Richter scale.
1144. I cannot have any gun that lets me kill the villain without being in at least an adjacent county.
1587. There is no way the Iteration X mage is going to make it through airport security.
1666. If if takes more than five minutes for the debris to stop falling, I need to pick a smaller gun.
2003. Any gun who's damage is best described in scientific notation is vetoed.
2067. Can't have a gun that can inflict lethal damage with just the bullet's windshear.
2153. The "fur" and "lust" domains shall never meet.
1444. My Ally advantage and Arch Enemy flaw can't both represent the same person.
301. "Well Hung" is not a physical, social or mental trait.
1367. Gnomes are not nature's tripods.
880. Searching the dead PC for spell components is ok.
him for spell components is not.
1023. The bluff skill is no substitute for actually knowing the spell.
1179. No matter how well I make my bluff check, the Star Destroyer crew isn't going to believe I'm the new captain.
1818. Can't make a bluff check to convince the monster I actually hit him.
1821. Even if the rules allow it, the Soviet National Anthem doesn't qualify for the inspirational music ability.
2066. Snipers don't appreciate their spotter yelling out "BOOM HEADSHOT!"
28. The Goddess' of Marriage chosen weapon is not the whip.
302. A gimp suit does not count as leather armor.
1904. Prepping for the adventure means memorizing spells and buying gear, not coming up with a safety word.
1185. Paladins do too urinate.
1934. Breaking the fourth wall doesn't require a strength check.
502. If my name isn't Grimlock, can't start every sentence with "Me Grimlock".
516. Not allowed to name my characters Grimlock.
1112. I will stop referring to the Eladrin as just the Elf Mk II.
1379. I will not threaten to glue the old rules for gnomes over the new rules for Elves Mk II.
2296. My gnome won't drunk call the Elf Mk II that didn't make the cut in the new edition.
1645. One more bad pun for a character name and I’m forbidden from playing in the Furry RPG.
1646. I am not Wombatman.
1446. Even if the rules allow it, can't catch bullets with my pecs.
432. Cannot put anything featuring Calvin on my starfighter.
48. The elf is restricted to decaf for the rest of the adventure.
242. Not allowed to give quicklings Mountain Dew.
640. There is a limit to the number of adjectives I can attach to an uppercut.
1094. My wizard does not need to shout out the name of what he's summoning every time he picks a creature.
781. My tribe's trial by combat ritual is not best described as "Calvinball with axes."
720. Don't have to include the line "And then stab them a lot" in the plan; it's already assumed.
362. It is very unlikely my half-ogre and the half-elf, half-dragon, tiefling and aasimar have the same dad.
1849. There is too an elven word for "monogamy".
1908. No matter what the rules say, my psychotic racist character doesn't get a permanent persuasion bonus just because she puts out.
843. It doesn't matter how high his hit points or damage reduction are, we aren't sending the dwarf into battle via catapult.
618. No matter how much my humanity loss, a chainsaw is not a substitute for a bayonet.
122. The paladin's alignment is not Lawful Anal.
218. No matter my alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation.
413. The Chaotic Neutral alignment is forever closed to me.
460. I'd better have a real good excuse for being a necromancer if I'm lawful good.
476. The alignment of 2 years olds is not automatically Neutral Evil.
863. Even if there is no alignment in Traveller, giving feuding TL1 tribes TL12 weapons and putting the results on PPV is just wrong.
1683. Killing the orc horde by drowning them all at once is heroic. Killing them by drowning them one at a time is an alignment check.
637. German characters do not get a +4 racial bonus to intimidate French characters.
1555. No matter how well I roll on my Intimidate check, France won't surrender.
82. Victory laps after killing the dragon with my 1d2 bow is considered in poor taste.
2309. If I challenge Death to a game, picking Campaign For North Africa doesn't insure immortality.
42. Having a big nose adds nothing to my seduction check.
80. When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must allow the other guy time to find a pistol.
194. When the other guy picks swords for the choice of weapons, that does not leave me pistols.
363. When challenged to a showdown, I'm meant to face him at 10 paces with pistols, not 10 blocks with a Sharpe's Big .50.
692. The Dr. Jones School of Swordfighting is not an appropriate Swordsman's School.
767. When challenged to a high noon shoot-out, that means in the time zone I'm currently in.
130. I am not authorized to form the head.
1462. Dwarves do not have the racial ability to merge into a larger, more powerful dwarf.
1779. Using nuclear weapons in assassinations is just being lazy.
950. The ability to give superpowers to characters is acceptable. Naming the character Captain Franchise is not.
1062. Even if I think of something the Demi-lich isn't immune to, he's immune to it.
1790. Can't find the villain just by casting power word stun in the bar and seeing who's still standing.
604. If my alignment forbids torture, that includes Gnomish Poetry Slams.
1528. I can't ask the bad guy if I fired 40,000 rounds or just 39,999.
1632. I will not blow all my starting cash on just house cats.
280. Thermonuclear hand grenades do not exist in any genre except Paranoia.
2053. If the GM is a woman, can't play a space otter to gain cute points.
367. No using excessive firepower to force the plot along.
400. Check the door means to listen at it, not put several rounds through it.
417. The solution to all my problems is not Crinos.
580. A sledgehammer does not give any bonus to my search for secret doors roll.
608. The answer to 'who's got point?' is not the fireball.
694. Search the old castle means enter it, not level it with artillery and dig through the rubble.
840. Even if it would have immediately solved the last six adventures, I won't throw dynamite in every well I come across.
1019. Even if we have more ammo than fuel, I still have to cut down the tree with the chainsaw, not the HMG.
1267. The lockpicking kit must be more than a sawed off shotgun.
1439. If the top floor is too well defended, can't just blow off the next to top floor.
1843. Can't land the drop pod on the villain.
1907. No putting the villain's fake bio on Match.com and letting the stalkers do my work for me.
336. Cannot start a Cthulhu character with a pre-existing hatred of books, altars and cutlery.
1673. I will not start dating another character's archenemy.
813. Taking the orc warlord's skull as a trophy is acceptable. Not as a hand puppet.
552. If my character's drow wife finds I let my niece appear in a Gnomes Gone Wild Video, my death will not even warrant a saving throw.
2072. Power Word Sarcasm is not a real spell.
1570. No signing infernal contracts in disappearing ink.
1597. Devils don't appreciate natural 20's on a bargain check.
835. I cannot lure out the Psycho Killer into an ambush by having sex with another character.
411. It is bad form to shoot a god while he's monologuing.
1513. I will not shoot a Great Old One just to say I did it.
277. My half-ogre cannot surprise the halflings with spontaneous games of dodgeball.
1501. I will not take the mirror image spell literally and just shoot the wizard that's not left handed.
2096. We aren't looking at the various kingdoms' tax rates before deciding where to dungeon crawl.
2114. I can't clear out a dungeon by just throwing a ball down the entrance and telling the Nomad warjack to fetch.
1661. Cleaning out the dungeon means more than just backing up a cement truck to the window.
421. I will not convince the GM's noob GF to play a psychotic combat monster.
435. No bribing the DM's new GF with chocolate so he'll go easy on us.
1347. Hooking up with the gamer chick the Storyteller was angling for gets me banned from the game.
1905. No nailing the GM's girlfriend's character.
2077. If I abandon the game for alone time with my fiance, my PC dies. Ask me if I freaking care.
2078. Just because the DM prefers D&D to alone time with a smoking hot fiance doesn't mean the party gets to question his gender preference.
2093. Can't trick the dragon into swallowing a shrunken dire porcupine and then ending the spell while he swallows.
991. "Kiww the Wabbit" is not a proper viking battlecry.
688. Even if the rules allow it, my Paladin cannot have the flaw: Hatred- All living things.
1708. No bringing up the time we were nearly TPK'd by a jerboa.
1139. My weapon is a +3 Flaming Flail. Not my Great Balls of Fire
231. I am not allowed to do anything that would make a Sith Lord cry.
1520. I will tell the noobs the storyteller wasn't joking about kicking people in the jewels for macking on jailbait.
1665. I will not forget to uncuff the pedophile from outside the car before driving back to the station.
1823. Despite what you'd think, taking out a child molester with extreme prejudice doesn't restore my humanity.
545. No going 100% tracer round on the HMG just because I like the pretty colors.
1482. Even if Detroit can do it, I can't add the trait "Randomly bursts into flame" to my car.
1606. If my fireballs always form a mushroom cloud, time to tone it down a bit.
1611. Even if she started it, no setting the princess on fire.
635. Arguments cannot end with the statement "Alright, we'll settle this like penguins!"
27. I am not to shoot every corpse in the head to make sure they aren't a zombie in Twilight 2000.
443. Zombies are not infectious in D&D. So I should stop shooting PCs in the head if they are bitten.
107. There is no such game as Wereshark the Buffet.
56. No matter how well I roll, a squirrel cannot carry a horse and rider at full sprint.
442. When told to be subtle, playing a foul mouthed chain smoking squirrel is not a good choice.
719. A fluffy tail does not add to my comliness if I'm already 1' tall, furry and a squirrel.
999. I can't train squirrel mobs to abuse the grapple rules.
1036. My druid can't summon or change into a skunk. No seriously, it's not allowed in the rulebook.
108. No, I do not get XP for every single crewman on that Star Destroyer.
530. I cannot earn bonus XP for 'catching air' with an MBT. So stop trying.
643. Even if the rules allow it, I can't gain 1,000,000 XP with one forged check.
676. My character's primary purpose in the party is not to just leech 1/6 of all the XP.
1132. There will be no more debating how much XP Mr. Tumnus would be worth.
1177. I will stop asking NPCs how much XP they are worth.
1215. If I'm just a few XP from 16th level, I can't just cast fireballs at random forests until I hit something.
1678. I don't get any XP for anything I killed in a flashback.
In the Whateley Universe, one of the very few things that both sides of the powered community agree on is that family is not to be brought into the matter. For villains and heroes,
life being at risk is one thing — their
being at risk just because of association? That's something else entirely, and people finding out about it is just about guaranteed to draw the ire of the whole community. And threatening the family of a Whateley student? The lucky ones are in jail for life. And on life support — also for life.
Now, I’ll admit that the Brotherhood doesn’t play nice. Hell, by the standards that the vast majority of the populace subscribes to, we’re evil as hell.
, we have the long-term good of the human race at heart. Selling kids to the Pit does
serve the greater good in any way, shape or form. There is shit even
don’t put up with...
4chan will cheer on almost any horrible thing you can come up with, but there are some things they will not countenance.
Real child pornography and bomb threats can and have led to them finding every bit of information about the poster they can find and turning it over to the police.
Asking for Rule 34 of Yotsuba, torturing cats, or insulting Mister Rogers will result in them destroying you utterly.
If you start a gore thread, no problems. If there are animals, then shit hits the fan.
"humans can suffer all day long. i lol hard at that shit.
dogs and cats..... fuck you op."
4chan users generally do not care if you violate the site's rules...unless you're under 18 or post My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic-related content outside of its dedicated board.
In the SCP Foundation, when Dr. Clef discovers that a guest researcher has been feeding children to SCP-682 just to see what happens, Clef turns around and feeds
to the monster. For those who don't know, Dr. Clef claims to be Satan.
Encyclopedia Dramatica is well-known for being flooded with fetishized pornography, real-life depictions of mutilation and torture, racist/sexist/homophobic commentary and mercilessly exploiting and demoralizing random people on the internet For the Lulz. But pedophiles and animal abusers surpass even furries on the list of people "E Diots" despise. If they're ever brought up in an ED article, expect them to be described as sick fucks, subhuman, the scum of the earth or some variation of the three.
A group of scientists recently performed some research involving shooting
. They had a Schlock Mercenary poster up on the door: "There is no overkill. Only 'Open fire!' and 'I need to reload'." Appropriately, said poster has a huge musclebound soldier pointing a prodigious quantity of firepower at an insect.
722. Can't intentionally fail all my secret door checks so I don't have to play Tomb of Horrors again.
366. Female minotaurs do not have udders. This issue is closed.
1278. An elf wardancer chick in nothing but body paint is totally hot. A Vesten berserker in nothing but body paint not so much.
1283. For the last time, the elf wears the maid disguise and the troll wears the bouncer disguise.
1328. The very concept of a Hutt lap dancer will earn me a dark side point.
1378. We will limit the total amount of conversation on the topic of "Hot Gnome on Gnome action."
2163. Before starting an underwear clad pillow fight, I must first make sure the party is not all dwarves.
177. Stinking Cloud is a privilege, not a right.
1812. Not using any emission from the barbarian as flamethrower fuel.
53. Not allowed to start a drow character weighing more than a quarter ton.
2113. I can't saddle break: A dire troll, a Kodiak warjack, or the Butcher.
1355. Pointing out the massive plothole in the villain's plan is not going to stop her from attacking.
1768. My monk can't convince the bad guys to go streaking with him just so they're easy to beat up later.
1612. There is no such thing as Boobs +1.
69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save.
1452. Despite it's phenomenal success rate, a multi-melta is not the solution to all my problems.
2082. No matter how successful, our party has to be more than a wizard and 5 pikemen.
360. I must remind the GM that my Blessed can Raise Dead before he runs another murder mystery again.
1033. Holding the hand crossbow sideways 'gangsta style' does not add to my intimidate check.
2047. Dwarven ale does not double as jet fuel, industrial solvent or colic medicine.
160. I will not load any gatling weapon with nothing but paint rounds.
1257. No, the answer to the problem is not to make a gatling gun out of bazookas.
1722. No building a Gatling Gatling gun.
2104. They don't make civilian models of chain guns.
2122. The reason elves live in forests is not to protect them from eagles that swoop down and grab them up.
1366. I will not use the mass suggestion spell to make the elf babes to make out.
13. Must not murder canon NPCs in their sleep, no matter how cliche they are.
832. I will not run up my bar tab and then skip out leaving the DM's super NPC to foot the bill.
1982. If the GM's pet NPC has tons of Plot Armor, can't use her for cover.
158. I will not declare myself a god just so I can grant myself spells.
169. I am neither the pagan god nor goddess of fertility.
575. Even if I'm a near immortal demi-god with the power to create entire worlds with a thought, still bad to throw a party when Dad's away without permission.
723. If my character is related to a god, it can't be as a parent.
1192. My last wish cannot be for a cage match between Cthulhu, Godzilla, Galactus and the Tarrasque.
88. My bard does not get a bonus to perform if she is obviously not wearing anything under her tabard.
455. Styrofoam is not an appropriate component for golems.
691. No matter what the kids say, animated balloon animals is a poor use of the Create Golem feat.
967. There is no such thing as a Tequila Golem.
2061. Note to self: Pinata golems are a bad idea.
106. I do not have weapon proficiency in cat.
190. Duel wielding small animals is strictly forbidden.
345. I don't have weapon proficiency in elf, either.
519. Dual wielding party members is also frowned upon.
1880. Elves are not piercing weapons by default.
1963. If I can't use the dwarf to beat a guy to death, that includes beating him against the dwarf.
248. There is no Halfling god of groin shots.
1457. I will remember the Japanese response to uncomfortable situations is to giggle, not a kick in the kiwis.
1723. My martial arts style is vetoed if it's just thirty different ways to hit a guy in the jewels.
2311. No matter what it would do to his spell casting chances, I can't cast shrink on the necromancer's undies.
1947. Can't use teleport to convince the villain's henchmen he's seeing things.
1308: Everybody was not gun-fu fighting.
876. If I want to play a rampaging nordic warrior and get handed a treehugging elf hippie instead, I can't play her like a rampaging nordic warrior.
224. I cannot insinuate elf chicks are all easy, even though you never hear about a half gnome do you?
1272. My Paladin can be charged with sexual harassment if he doesn't watch exactly where he lays on hands.
1702. Even if it's historical[ly] accurate, can't try to heal someone by cutting them.
822. If everybody in the room is in black leather, we're in the thieves' guild. Not a fetish club.
17. Collateral Damage Man is not an appropriate name for a super hero.
1792. Let's keep the collateral damage to under a billion dollars.
1189. A stagehand does not get a better sneak bonus than ninjas.
1839. Even if the rules say otherwise, a huge back banner with an arrow pointing down at me causes a penalty to stealth checks.
126. Dwarves do not count as burrowing animals.
188. I cannot play an elf with a Scottish accent, nor a Cajun dwarf.
211. If at any point if my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of Macho Man Randy Savage, he dies.
294. My dwarf is not claustrophobic, likewise, my elf is not agoraphobic.
503. Dwarves do not get Beard Cancer.
964. Elves aren't marsupials.
2081. 'Horn Dog' is not a real Dwarven caste.
2083. 'Fifty Shades of Grey Dwarves' is not the new Duergar sourcebook.
2120. Elves do not squirt ink out of their nipples as a defense mechanism.
2121. Elves also do not secrete a foul tasting oil when threatened.
2167. The answer is never "Dwarven River Dance".
228. I cannot use my time machine to hire Hitler a hooker in 1920, thus avoiding WW2.
1317. My character will refrain from appearing with Hitler in any history books. Especially if I'm chasing him with a wheat thresher.
31. The backup trap handler is not whoever has the most HP at the time.
824. The back up trap handler is not the guy with the lowest INT.
1043. Ninjas do not have a hive mind.
612. Every time a PC takes himself out through his own stupidity does not let me sing the Oompa-Loompa song.
22. There is no such thing as a Gnomish Pygmy War Rhino.
1944. Even if the King is represented by a miniature, I can't put him in checkmate.
1887. If I use the leap skill to individually jump over every goon in the room, when I reach the other side I can't demand to be made royalty.
376. The barbarian must remember that 'human shield' is a figure of speech.
546. Dead party members, while effective, are not appropriate anti-grenade measures.
1455. Like a cow who goes to the well too often, I will stop speaking only in metaphors.
268. Mr. Welch is not allowed to speak in third person.
1784. Some grizzfarb says I have to stop making up gnomish profanities.
1435. The "Dibs" system is not a recognized method of promotion in the Ordo Malleus.
1637. 'Dibs' is not a term of bereavement.
73. Not allowed to name my cudgel Ceremonial Whoopass Stick.
524. I will not ask my gun for advice.
1359. I can't call my gun by a stupid nickname, even if it's the one that the game suggested.
1438. You can't find true names in a phone book.
14. Ogres are not kosher.
19. Drow are not good eating.
55. Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze the elf.
156. When one person forgets to buy rations eating the half-elf is not our first option.
162. What ever monster we just killed is not to be tonight's dinner.
1433. Zentradi are not good eating.
1649. I can't free the cannibals' prisoners by starting a food fight with them.
1671. Before entering the dungeon I will take off the "I'm with tasty —>" tabard.
2125. No matter how close to lunch is it, halflings don't have to save vs. cannibalism.
855. I will not keep reincarnating that bugbear until he comes back as something we can actually eat.
1058. When I get to the custom weapons creation section, I will keep turning those pages.
431. We will not implement any battle plan that includes the underlined words "And hope they miss a lot."
425. Chainsaws and butter churns filled with bees do not use the same weapon skill.
1680. The point of the Improvised Weapon Skill is not to see how many different things I can kill people with.
1915. The following are not acceptable specialties for a weapon master: Mustard Gas, Cheese Grater, Sardonicism.
114. The Demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the bag of holding once.
786. No I cannot keep the drow priestess we just found as a pet.
92. The name of the weapon shop is not "Bloodbath and Beyond".
205. My 3rd ed. Red Wizard is not allowed to start a business named Thay Co.
751. If the party has to pose as classical German composers, I will not declare "I'll be Bach".
783: The following are not acceptable Ironclaw characters: Mortal Wombat, Dalai llama, Boom Orangutan.
1458. The ability to mimic other people's luck powers does not make me a karma chameleon.
1573. Attempting to woo the Space Elf Clown does not turn the adventure into a Harlequin romance.
1660. Even if we just stole all their alkaline chemicals, that does not mean all their base belongs to us.
2237. Christian Baleful Polymorph is not a real spell.
2247. If even if the rules allow it, no trading in our laser guns for muskets to play Sharpe's Rifles IN SPACE!!!
18. When surrendering I am to hand the sword over HILT first.
674. When deciding what to do with the ancient alien artifacts we discovered, EBAY is not an option.
1333. I will tell the noob the game is about post nuclear Europe and not love struck vampires before we start.
1138. Fireballs don’t have a non-lethal option. I will ponder this after I’ve cast one at that guy we needed alive.
1656. Starting a flame war on the internet is bad. Starting a flame war not on the internet is much, much worse.
1131. Summoning a Water Elemental right above the Fire Elemental doesn't work.
651. My alignment is not Sarcastic Good.
742. Apparently Chaotic Angry and Neutral Hungry aren't real alignments either.
1059. Even if the villain is Lawful Evil, slapping a cease and desist order on him isn't going to work.
1420. Doing 50 in a 45 does not cause an alignment check for the paladin.
2103. Even if he is Lawful Evil, the villain isn't going to respond to a jury summons.
744. My second wish can't be for a new, more open minded genie to grant my remaining wishes.
1088. I cannot try and throw large blunt objects at Malkavians, kobolds or kender. Or their players.
1385. Even if I couldn't attend the session when everything went to hell, it's still my fault.
1426. I am not "He who must not be named only in passing."
24. Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed to summon 50,000 Blue Whales.
311. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot start the game as pope.
337. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot control 20,000 pigeons and use them as flying piranha.
423. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a duck.
572. Even if the rules say otherwise, I cannot carry 100lbs of styrofoam without encumbrance penalties.
623. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a Dire Gummi Bear.
713. Even if the rules allow it, can't sink a battleship with a stapler.
715. Even if the rules allow it, I can't invent the strip joint.
754. Even if the rules give no maximum encumbrance, still can't pick up the bank and walk away with it.
930. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot circumnavigate the world on foot in one turn.
948. Even if the rules allow it, I can't catch dropped cannonballs with my teeth without drawbacks.
985. Even if it isn't in the rules, I have to use the same scale miniature as everybody else.
1197. Even if the rules allow it, I can't put a spinal mounted weapon on a bicycle.
1289. Even if the rules allow it, a laser sight doesn’t add to my chaingun’s accuracy. Yes, even if I have one on each barrel.
1335. I can not filibuster in the middle of my dying speech to buy the cleric more time.
1408. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot fence with a katana.
1583. Even if the rules allow it, can't take a prestige class at level 4.
1600. Even if the rules allow it, I can't mount a flamethrower on a knife.
1642. No matter what the rules say, antibiotics can't make a man's head explode.
1807. Even if the rules allow it, I can't have a saber toothed walrus.
1862. Even if the rules allow it, I can't hip shoot a cannon.
1883. Even if the rules allow it, my fighter can't carry a clan of halfings in his pack without penalty.
1911. Even if the rules allow it, I can't one shot guys with a feather duster.
1914. Can't abuse the boggan's weakness to get free babysitting.
1924. Despite what the rules say, shooting other PC's in the head does not improve morale.
1939. Even if the rules allow it, can't parry an artillery barrage with my fists.
1966. Even if the rules allow it, can't play a viking Mad Scientist.
76. I am not allowed any artistic license while translating.
61. The Barbarian's name does not translate into "Screams like little sissy girl" in my language.
51. No longer allowed to use the time machine for booty calls.
125. Lingerie can only snap coincidentally so many times per day.
661. The line on my character sheet for 'Sex' is not for keeping score.
972. "Threesome" is not a specialty of the seduction skill.
1240. No matter what the dice say, I didn’t just seduce Chun Li. And Cammy.
510. After a bloody battle, I will not celebrate by lying down and making carnage angels.
1662. No starting a mosh pit in a leper colony.
1690. I don't get double XP if I kill the monster with explosive decompression.
1867. Can't have a gun that reduces people to Rorschach tests.
1933. No part of the elven cloak is actually made out of elves.
97. My one wish cannot be 'I wish everything on this piece of paper was true'.
227. My last wish cannot be "I wish we were playing another game."
257. I cannot wish nobody else gets wishes.
568. My first wish cannot be "I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish'.
569. All 3 of my wishes cannot involve Alpacas.
653. Cannot wish for the party to have common sense. Even the wish spell has its limits.
745. Can't wish I was the GM.
924. Before I make my next wish I have to ask myself: "Is this going to shatter the very fabric of reality again?"
981. My last wish cannot be for Ragnarok.
1130. I cannot wish we were playing the previous edition of the game.
1153. I can't wish to change my vote on what module we're playing.
1193. I will avoid making wishes that locks the game in an infinite time loop.
1242. I can't wish that somebody competent wrote this module.
1502. My first wish can't be to invalidate the previous character's last wish.
1516. I will not wish we were still playing Torg.
1553. I can't wish my girlfriend was hot like you.
1658. The words "Rock Opera" will not appear in any of my wishes.
2064. The wish spell can't affect the order of the alphabet.
116. Not allowed to take a coffee break during the final super villain showdown.
299. I do not get any XP for anyone I kill by stampeding sheep.
1512. My canine officer can't spend his animal requisition cash to buy two dozen chihuahuas.
1884. If a PC gets taken out by a deer, can't recruit the deer to replace him.
2207. We are not stopping the villain with small mammals armed with power tools.
325. Even if he was a paragon of humanity in his alternate dimension, Good Hitler is not an appropriate superhero concept.
1045. We will not gut every animal we kill to see if they have treasure inside like in video games
932. Nowhere in the bible does it say ninjas have to line up in a straight line to fight me.
15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.
440. I am forbidden from trying to merge the best features of automatic weapons and manual transmissions.
557. If they get a bonus to spot my gun with a geiger counter, I can't have it.
603. I cannot have any gun mentioned in the Geneva Convention by name.
803. If my personal carried firepower exceeds that of the Battleship Texas, there's a problem.
868. I cannot have a gun with an area of affect larger than it's range.
872. Any gun that sets off the metal detector before I even pass through it is vetoed.
925. Any gun that can fire more rounds in one shot than I can physically carry is vetoed.
1044. No matter how much ammo I start with, I can't impact the total world supply.
1533. Even if the rules allow it, can't have a belt fed pistol.
1481. The Island of Small Breasted Fantasy Females does not exist.
1314. Gravity defying breasts, while impressive, do not count as a super power.
1314. Gravity defying breasts, while impressive, do not count as a super power.
1653. The power gamer would appreciate me not bringing the book with the rule he is grotesquely abusing.
1730. No putting all my weapon points in the blowgun.
1731. If I take the blowgun, I at least have to poison the darts.
7. Not allowed to use psychic powers to do the dishes.
183. There are no rules for cooking corn dogs in any d20 supplement.
544. I will not cast Gate to bind an infernal creature of power to my bidding and make him mow the lawn.
566. When confronted with a haunted house with bleeding walls, no converting it into a self supporting blood bank.
1041. Doesn't matter if I'm just using to spot weld, force lightning still gets me a dark side point.
1416. The guy with the meltagun doesn't automatically have to carry the popcorn.
1897. Assist Other actions helps in combat, not with crossword puzzles.
1948. Having an electrotech in the party doesn't mean I get to leave my phone charger at home.
2070. The spell is "Heat Metal", not "Detect Piercings".
2150. The cryokinetic's default job is not to protect the cooler.
2230. Even if we were told to use all of it, can't use the extra explosives for public displays of affection to my girlfriend.
2238. The Returning ability on magical weapons doesn't let me make a fortune at pawn shops.
2249. Even if I take the Total Recall trait, I can't remember all quarter million crew on my ship by their first name.
2062. Even if I have enough rope and have nine attacks a round, can't garrote a hydra.
219. In formal introductions to royalty, I must not introduce my companions as just "The Other Guys".
111. I did not pick the garrote skill last week from my grandmother.
642. My character's grandma was not, is not and will never be a contract killer.
141. My maid does not know kung fu.
378. I can cannot give my character the moniker "Tim the Barbarian". Especially since he's the bard.
63. No, I cannot buy 10,000 marbles even if I say please.
93. I am to remind my DM that he must never, ever give my paladin a dire boar for a mount again.
101. I am not allowed to pave anything.
226. Troll bubblegum...bad idea.
647. Any answer to a question involving the words 'wizard', 'station wagon' and 'wood paneling' is no.
1007. That whole Expedition to the Barrier Peaks? Dream Sequence.
1313. I will do nothing that tarnishes Hello Kitty's memory.
1549. The totalitarian government tends to notice large purchases of cows, trebuchets and surveying gear.
561. I can't play a deep gnome just to make the rest of the party have to pronounce Svirfneblin.
716. I cannot play a race the GM can't pronounce.
2226. The concept of vowels are not alien to dwarves.
3. There is no Gnomish god of heavy artillery.
1342. There is no god of Wombats, no matter how much I pray.
182. No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure.
270. I cannot derail the adventure for a two hour in character discussion on the qualities of rope.
621. No offering the old man and the farm kid a better rate to Alderaan.
922. No matter how much we look, we're not finding the secret door leading to the back of the villain's hideout.
1217. No matter what the dice just said, I didn't kill the villain with the first shot of the combat.
1269. Even if the guy I based my character off was famous for doing it, I can’t kill eight guys with one bullet.
951. The most important stat in Call of Cthulhu is not movement.
288. I cannot name my character after another PC already in this game.
882. I will not convince the party to name all the characters the same thing.
1164. I will wait for the GM to finish his incredibly complicated riddle before answering correctly.
1534. I will raise my hand if I've already heard the DM's riddle.
39. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'can lick their eyebrows'.
40. Gnomes do not have the racial ability to hold their breath for 10 minutes.
41. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'impromptu kickstand'.
128. Polka Gnomes exist only in my mind.
260. Gnomes do not have a racial bonus in bobsled.
553. No matter how well I make my disguise check, my gnome cannot convincingly pass for any member of Rush.
559. Even if the Ranger offers his sword, the elf his bow and the dwarf his axe, my gnome can't offer his accordion.
693. There is no conspiracy to write out the gnome's contribution to the Fellowship of the Ring.
748. Holding a pillow over a sleeping person's face is not a gnomish expression of affection.
197. My epic level character cannot take on the minor goblin menace to his country just to stay sharp.
316. My character is not allowed to commit suicide five minutes into the campaign.
354. Tricking the party into killing each other off and then turning in their corpses for the bounty is frowned upon.
410. If the NPC is on the cover of the rulebook, I can't kill him.
382. I can't bet the power gamer he can't solo the module.
434. Never again will I convince a player to keep a character nicknamed "Stumpy McLunger"
570. The DM does not want to know how my human fighter is triple wielding scimitars.
584. On second thought, a minotaur architect is a really bad idea.
599. Cannot start the new adventure with me trying to run down who ever didn't show up for the last adventure.
806. My character cannot have a noticeable impact, positive or negative, on a town's population.
1273. Any character that makes a seasoned Rifts player flinch is vetoed, and shall never be spoken of again.
1327. Just because the Great Race of Yith’s effect on sanity is minimal, doesn’t mean I should invite them over for dinner with the folks.
1428. No spending half the game session seeing what rhymes with Nyarlathotep.
2002. No flashbacks to the death of the disposable expository NPC at the start of the adventure.
"If given a choice of options, always take the crazy one. Nobody ever plans for crazy."
214. There is no prestige class Drizzt Slayer.
405. I will not name my character for the power gaming campaign Generic Cleave Path Fighter #7.
178. There are no profanities in Celestial.
213. I am not the patron saint of common sense.
1238. No making up Patron Saints.
1527. There is no Patron Saint of the Dodecahedron.
333. I cannot fistinate anybody, whatever the hell that means.
1682. Snufficate is not a real way to kill somebody.
1136. Doesn’t matter how big we make it, a pit trap isn’t going to take out the Tarrasque.
1483. There is more to stopping a zombie horde than punji pits.
104. Nor is there a +1 Longsword +5 against party members.
1870. If I'm invited to play a one shot with a new DM, can't play a serious straight laced character.
447. If the NPC is critical to the plot later, I cannot crit him 4 times in one round.
146. Not allowed to play an Australian in any game set before 1600.
1459. Even if the game is set in 1912, the female characters get a vote on the party's action.
1117. Can't strangle a werewolf with a roll of Kodak film, no matter what we all know it's made out of.
301. "Well Hung" is not a physical, social or mental trait.
595. I cannot pick a race with a prehensile ANYTHING.
966. Using precog on the personals to find out who puts out on a first date is abusing the power.
1659. Just because he has specialization in observation skills does not mean 'he likes to watch'.
734. My character's background cannot be a wikipedia biography with "Falco" crossed off and my character's name written in.
1755. Calling my shot means 'Where I want to hit him' not 'Where I want him to land.'
1899. The target's current zip code has no bearing on my called shot.
262. When the GM forces the plot, I cannot make choo-choo noises.
1449. Any plan that would quickly, logically and safely defeat the module early is doomed to failure.
2301. Even if the rules allow it, the entire party can't be all raised by the same wolf.
1437. High recoil guns and roller skates are not an accepted method of transportation.
1775. Just because I spared the villain's life doesn't mean she owes me a first date.
134. The King's Guards official name is not "The Royal Order of the Red Shirt."
314. Under 'Religion' I cannot put 'Xenu'.
842. When handed Dieties and Demigods and told to pick a god for my druid, I will skip right by the Cthulhu Mythos.
95. I must not put the Thunder God on the spot again.
606. If my power is super growth, that includes my skin.
1564. Superspeed gives immunity to friction.
913. After casting my one first level spell, can't leave the dungeon to go sleep.
704. No using my hideously low Charisma to get the villain to do the opposite of what I suggest.
542. No, I do not have time to carve that mountain in the shape of anything.
526. If an NPC is known as the "One," I cannot volunteer to be the "Two."
138. If the mere thought of it costs the others sanity, I'm forbidden from doing it.
829. Despite the song's claim, a pelvic thrust does not cause Sanity loss.
879. Buying a bigger gun does not restore sanity.
998. The script for the Baywatch movie does not cause more Sanity loss than the Necronomicon.
1427. It is not a race to 0 SAN.
532. Despite being a staple of comic books everywhere, I cannot teleport objects in front of naked people.
513. Trying to rip the face off the villain will not get the Scooby-Doo ending.
89. The elf's name is not Legolam.
229. Not allowed to spontaneously check if the elf can take a punch.
379. I am to stop asking the elf to put in a good word for me with Santa.
472. When my cleric is told to "Buff the Elf," I know exactly what it means and may not miscontrue it in any way.
826. Elves do not respond to chainsaws the same ways dogs react to vacuum cleaners.
942. We do not need an elf on this dungeoncrawl for the same reason miners need canaries.
997. I can't beat on the drow until he admits his name is Toby.
1054. I will call the elf druid by his real impossibly long elf name, and not just Llanowar Leafblower.
1055. I will also not simply refer to the elf druid as that dirty, dirty hippie.
1250. I will address the other PC as Lord Tyrion, Eldritch Knight of the Winter Court. And not just as the Sidhe Male.
1410. Bleaching the drow won't help.
1500. I will not convince the dragon to eat the elf instead because he's organically grown.
1619. If the elf is rolling badly doesn't mean we need to water him.
1877. I will stop asking the high elf for a hit.
1878. Elves are not all backstabbing, untrustworthy weasels, but you never hear about a dark gnome do you?
2019. Even if the elf fails his willpower check, we don't need to change him.
170. I cannot name my character Xagyg or any anagram thereof.
1230. It's okay if you name your Kindred Alucard. But I still can't name my Garou Namflow.
1394. I will not take on the entire dungeon using only one body part to attack.
23. Any character who has a sensitivity training center named after him will be taken away.
389. My samurai is not required to commit seppuku if he fails to hit the monster.
1785. I can't play an anthropomorphic homo sapiens.
99. Not allowed to see if Jedi can parry a shotgun blast with their lightsaber.
619. No matter what the dice say, I can't kill a 4th gen vampire with a pump action loaded with buck in a single round.
958. No matter how practical, I can't have shotgunchucks.
973. Shotguns are not a traditional part of Texas funerals.
1916. Even if the rules allow it, sniper scopes don't give bonuses to shotguns.
25. The green elf does not need food badly.
36. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to sit on the same side of the table.
83. My gnome does not like big butts and he cannot lie.
124. I cannot insert the words "Kill Phil, Sorry Phil" into any list of instructions.
132. There is no such feat called "Death Blossom".
143. Not allowed to buy a holy symbol for every god just in case one of them is right.
168. I was also not recruited by 12 dwarves and a wizard to rob a dragon.
180. I have neither the touch nor the power.
252. I can not order the Druid to transform and roll out.
259. My Highlander's name cannot be McHammer.
398. No matter what popular media says, harpoons are not proper ninja weapons.
469. If I wake up to find black cloaked figures in my room, I will not immediately point them to the halflings' room.
529. My character is not from Duncan, Idaho.
936. 'The power of Christ compels me' does not justify my Blessed's actions. (Epic Riff)
996. Dwarves can't take trees as favored enemies.
1012. Note to self: Lightsaberchucks...BAD IDEA
1014. I will stop blaming every massacre we come across on Decepticons.
1111. There is no such thing as a Magic Murder Bag of Holding.
1129. I will refrain from casting Dimension Jump and Magnificent Mansion on every police box we pass.
1187. It's okay to feed the Ewok after midnight.
1287. Let's not taunt the minotaur with "How appropriate, You Fight Like a Cow".
1454. The paladin does not appreciate us painting his dire tiger green and orange.
1484. Just because I can, doesn't mean I should drop a house on the witch.
1509. No part of the Constitution is written in invisible ink.
1541. While highly effective, grabbing a man by his small intestine and making him talk like a ventriloquist dummy is frowned on.
1618. Any character even remotely resembling Mr. B Natural is dead before the first dice are rolled.
1643. Despite precedent, if the travel gets rough, we can't eat the bard.
1710. "Mooning M. Bison" is not an appropriate stunt action.
1716. Summon Para-Legal Elemental is not a real spell.
1736. Can't name my rabbit familiar Watership.
1854. TSR is not hiding Golden Tickets in Mystara Gazetteers.
1864. Even if paladin starts with P and that rhymes with T, it doesn't stand for trouble.
1868. Playing The Who doesn't give me a bonus to forensics checks.
1980. The druid can't transform into a sports car. Even if we douse him with hot water.
2011. There is no easy way to tell a guy he named his genetically engineered uber space Mongolian after Genghis Khan's wife.
2035. Cylons don't have a four year life span.
2280. We aren't starting 5th edition by finding Elminster in the shower wondering about 4th edition.
2300. It's cute when you train your hamster to attack their eyes. Your weasel not so cute.
625. I must remember before the next time I shave off the sleeping dwarf's beard and glue it to the sleeping elf, wars have been started that way.
329. Not allowed to spoil the plot by simply removing the hinges on the door.
68. Bring him back intact includes redundant organs.
16. I will not beat Tomb of Horrors in less than 10 minutes from memory.
1213. No, we can't see if the party can beat Temple of Elemental Evil in under an hour.
1805. I won't mention a celebrity that causes another gamer to go all stalker. Sorry in advance Jeannie Mai.
588. Paladins are immune to STDs, but if I take advantage of this ability, I lose it. Wonderful paradox, isn't it?
2259. Even if I am allowed to design my own gun, I can't make a .314 Magum Pistol.
1837. I won't ask how a 9' combat monster with no concept of subtlety starts with a +1D in stealth.
1765. Even if my CO does it, a unitard is not an appropriate SAS uniform.
1925. Can't disguise a nuclear bomb to look like me.
583. Can't intimidate the evil wizard just by constantly summoning bigger versions of what he's just summoned.
1089. Even if the game is a crappy rip-off of World of Warcraft, my character can't speak in Leet.
1243. Even if the game is dreadfully repetitive, our party's motto can't be 'Wash, Rinse, Repeat'.
1464. Cannot use the requisition skill to get a beach house in the Virgin islands, even if Congress can.
1773. Can't use a wish spell to make the last Star Wars trilogy not suck.
1782. I will remember we're playing 4th edition and stop using my imagination.
2159. Just because my media only put the bare minimum into his journalistic skills doesn't mean he starts at MSNBC.
171. My character's dying words are not allowed to be "Hastur, Hastur, Hastur."
433. I will not find a peaceful solution to the adventure just to piss off the power gamer.
859. I will concede we're on a dungeon crawl and stop trying to talk to the monsters.
1101. I will not cut the vault guards in on the haul instead of fighting them.
1148. No matter how long his speech is, my sniper will not shoot the speaker introducing the target.
1986. When asked to be the party tank, they didn't mean an Abrams.
1986. When asked to be the party tank, they didn't mean an Abrams.
383. It is not ok to use 10,000 rounds to kill two sentries.
589. If my gun on a scale of 1-10 is a 7, it's vetoed if that's the Richter scale.
808. Covering fire does not include nuclear weapons.
901. In the middle of the Black Ops a diversion is not blowing off the top twenty floors of the building.
1016. Even if spells are use them or lose them, I will not waste Meteor Swarms on a goblin.
1167. I can stop rolling at 7x dead.
1257. No, the answer to the problem is not to make a gatling gun out of bazookas.
1357. Preliminary saturation carpet bombing is not automatically Plan A.
1517. Checking to see if the Mad Slasher is dead is ok, dismembering him with a shotgun is overkill.
1537. My Rogue Trader does not need to announce his arrival with eight hours of orbital bombardment.
1595. We aren't raising the villain from the dead because we haven't killed him enough yet.
1819. Strapping dynamite to an arrow is an acceptable cliche. Not the whole keg of gunpowder.
2139. You can't critically hit with a nuclear weapon.
159. Airlocks do not double as trash disposals.
536. If a powergamer joins our crew, I will not billet him in the newly furnished auxiliary airlock.
1201. 'Just blow them out the airlock' is not a backup First Contact Protocol.
518. Affirmative Action does not require me to play a drow.
315. My gnome cannot save points on the ride skill simply by asking for piggyback rides everywhere.
189. Tourette's is not a flaw, it is a reason to kill the character at creation.
10. Just because my character and I can speak German, doesn't mean the GM can.
1231. No matter how low Orc intelligence, they aren't going to fall for a large wooden horse outside the gates of Mordor.
1396. No matter his condition, we aren't selling the villain's corpse as modern art.
738. Though highly educational, no more slipping the anti-paladin sodium pentathal.
2222. The Find Traps spell doesn't work on dating websites.
555. I will stop snickering every time the monk announces he's touching someone with his quivering palm.
1875. Before I make the seduction check, I will reread the description of the swinging knack.
459. The vampire clan with vicissitude is not pronounced 'Karl'.
561. I can't play a deep gnome just to make the rest of the party have to pronounce Svirfneblin.
2257. Even if my character is Welsh, his name has to include vowels.
273. No matter how smart I make my animal companion, he still can't take the tax accountant skill.
12. Must learn at least one offensive or defensive spell if I'm the sorcerer.
1882. The monk counts as adamantine when attacking, not when being used as a battering ram.
26. Valley speak has no place in a fantasy setting. Especially if you're the paladin.
30. I am not to kill off all the vampires in the LARP, even if they are terminally stupid.
109. Not allowed to kill a vampire with any part from a DC-10 larger than my car.
193. Not allowed to kill vampires with seismic charges.
217. If the weapon is capable of staking vampires hiding behind engine blocks, I can't have it.
454. No staking a vampire with anything larger than his chest cavity.
565. My vampire hunter can't have anything he saw on an infomercial at 3am on PBS.
619. No matter what the dice say, I can't kill a 4th gen vampire with a pump action loaded with buck in a single round.
660. Walmart is not my one stop shopping place for hunting vampires.
686. My vampire hunter does not take the "un" out of "undead".
1113. I will not shoot vampires in the chest with a large pistol just so they have to explain the embarrassing sucking chest wound.
1116. Add Bulldozers to the list of things vampires are allergic to.
1403. Can't use dominate to make vampires forget to change their clocks for Daylight Savings Time.
1521. While not lethal, Ferris Wheels aren't exactly healthy to vampires.
1851. Can't use woodchippers as shotguns against vampires.
401. When a virgin sacrifice is demanded I will not look knowingly at the paladin, netrunner or Hermetic.
313. My British Superspy does not get a reroll on his seduction check if his shirt gets ripped off.
37. They do not make black market illegal cyberweapons for rodents.
206. I cannot forge a +1 sword of Brad's Min/Maxed Paladin/Monk Slaying.
450. When told to distract the villainess, they didn't mean with a surprise marriage proposal.
678. Distract the bad guy does not mean with a recreation of the Apollo landing.
1667. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by playing Wham over their commlinks.
1668. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by shooting the guy standing next to him.
1669. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by setting him on fire.
1783. Distracting the bad guy does not mean with an aztec bar mitzvah.
1942. Can't distract the villain by sending him a text.
2183. Distract the bad guy does not mean with a called shot to his appendix.
2206. Create a distraction doesn't mean with walruses trained in ballroom dance.
597. The party does not need to know about that time I woke up duct taped to the back of a Drow Matron Mother.
654. If the party goes into my room and finds a Deva wearing only baby oil, oven mitts and spurs, they can start the module without me.
334. Pinball is not a specialization for wizards.
578. Rectomancy is not a school of magic.
888. Breast enhancing spells gain no benefits from meta-magic feats.
250. Superfluous Man is not a viable superhero concept.
1191. Super powers that are only useful to art majors are vetoed.
1210. I will keep rolling until I get a superpower I can actually use.
1565. Shapechanging is an acceptable super power. Shapechanging only into the '93 San Diego Padres is not.
1584. Even if the rules allow it, you can't sneak with a running chainsaw.
1624. It is bad form to sing along with the elevator music in a Black Ops.
212. If the party always starts the adventure in a tavern, I cannot opt to start in a brothel.
1688. Just because he starts every game in a tavern doesn't mean the Barbarian needs rehab.
351. I cannot take skill Profession: Ecdysiast.
739. Can't make the Black Ops super easy by sending a couple of strippers to the guardroom first.
814. Sending the villain a Nymph stripper only works once.
1244. I will not point out the Drow Matron would make more money as an exotic dancer. Even if it's true.
1898. No hiring Anakin Skywalker some Twi'lek hookers, thus removing his reason to become Vader.
865. I do not put the "cad" in "decadent" or the "rave" in "depraved".
1022. Can't start the game with 24 hours to live.
344. No matter how much I make my IQ roll by, I can't make the other guy's head explode.
1846. If the Ork makes his check to solve higher mathematics, his head doesn't explode.
REDbluewhiteyellow: So…what would happen if someone viewed its face from outer space?
azzleflux: It would start moving its arms up and down until it started motherfuckin' flying.
- It's dwarf bread, man. The cat peed on it, and it doubles as a lethal throwing weapon.
- That makes sense. I bet it menaces with spikes of bread too.
Locus: Well at least we're resting peacefully in our tombs. In spirit. Probably underneath elephant remains, in the physical sense.
Bremen: I ran out of coffins. Then I ran out of designated graveyard space. Most of you are spending your eternal rest in the garbage dump.
I finished making the Broker's mini-forges. He immediately issued a mandate that no mini-forges could be exported. I guess the c********* really likes his fucking mini-forges.
The Manager demanded a clear glass window in his room. To fucking look at what, I asked him. Your room doesn't have a hole leading to the outside. Your room doesn't have a view of anything. The best I can do is put in a window that is 2 feet away from a stone wall. He doesn't give a shit. He wants a window. Fine, I hope the c********* falls through it while drunk.
mariguana: DID I MENTION (S)HE IS ON FUCKING FIRE!??
At one point, things are so bad that even the
don't want to fuck with the place, entering the area and then immediately turning tail after getting one good look at the outer perimeter.
So the merchants arrive to see blood and vomit everywhere, us hauling corpses en masse to the graveyard, a couple rampaging elephants.
WELCOME TO FUCKING BOATMURDERED!
Hope you like miasma!
I've started project 'Fuck The World,' a top secret attempt to funnel magma to the outside. I'll kill those elephants. I'll kill
those fucking elephants.
Come on guys, we have a nice settlement, why didn't you stick around? Was it the ashen wasteland? The bloodstained gates? Was it the screams of madmen or the stench of death? We've got awful nice engravings of some fucking cheese here, come the fuck on in!
At this point, we have somehow managed to create
root of evil in the dwarven universe. Here is what it must look like from the mountainhomes:
1) Dwarves go to Boatmurdered and disappear.
2) Lava comes out of Boatmurdered and destroys the surrounding environment no less than three times a year.
3) A maniacal dwarven supervillian comes out of Boatmurdered and goes on a killing spree.
Shit, there are probably entire fucking sagas that are being sung about the evil fortress of damnation known as Boatmurdered.
Seriously, there could not have been a more appropriate end to the saga of Boatmurdered than a gigantic flaming apocalypse for no apparent reason.
Lately I've been standing in the keep with a skill-inflated hero, stabbing the site's goblin overlord in the head with a spear, and seeing what happens.
Your game is working on giving NPC's lives. Our game is working on
giving them a working nervous system
Dwarf Fortress: You have a team of hundreds working for four years to make a game where you save the world again. We have one guy for four years
make a near-infinite world generator, write the physics,generate histories, form detailed descriptions of every human, elf, dwarf, and goblin generated, caverns, and huge randomly generated monsters made out of who knows what
...And no one notices that a
titan is made out of
. No, ice capybara in the desert? Normal. Someone kinda figured out the military? Amazing!
[Bugfix note] Babies don't start strapped with a knife
You get hit where you get hit. This may or may not cripple you for life. It may or may not kill you in one shot. You're dwarf just lost a leg. Suck it up, bitch. No, you're not getting that leg back. In fact, that creature over there is going to pick your leg up and beat you death with it. You won't respawn.
It's like if Tolkien taught your Geology 101 class, but you were drunk and playing the Sims during the lecture. Then you had a dream that got them all confused.
Reasonableman: The amount of malice in this thread is actually causing me some concern. I mean, chaining up mothers and forcing them to breed, just so we can drown their children to harvest their organs? Does this strike no one else as absolutely horrific?
Pilsu: You misspelled 'hilarious'
Here's 7 inebriated borderline psychotic bastards, go dig out a living space for 200 more of them that will be coming soon. Btw, there's also a terrible tentacle monster-panda made out of barf to deal with. Have fun!
[The Bay12 community will] routinely talk about kitten slaughter, the best methods to immolate creatures without destroying their stuff, or how to produce 'children' with personality problems beyond the dream of psychoanalysts but no one is going to insult your mother.
Also, this is a horrible inhumane idea and why didn't I think of it.
My god... this was a terrible idea.
I have no idea where anything is. I have no idea what anything does. This is not merely a madhouse designed by a madman, but a madhouse designed by
madmen, each with an intense hatred for the previous madman's unique flavour of madness.
DF's got a big learning curve, no, learning cliff, no, a MASSIVE, SHEER EXPANSE OF STONE RISING UP INTO THE HEAVENS, COVERED IN !!*Adamantine Barbed Wire*!! AND LAVA DROPS, ALL WHILE ARMOK STANDS ATOP AND LAUGHS AT YOUR PITIFUL ATTEMPT TO SURVIIIIIIIVE.
I will have to deal with a troll and a giant cave swallow in the vicinity first, but my blade traps should make short work of them. What's your airspeed velocity now,
Edwards Grizzly: We seem to be incredibly lucky in that this evil biome's mists cause instant death, rather than turn-into-a-shambling-husk-and-murder-everyone-who-ever-loved-you.
fishsicles: Not technically instant, for big enough creatures; those water buffalo sat around oozing blood for a few days before they kicked it. But for a dwarf, probably instant yeah.
Count Dorku: ...this is how we define
nowadays?! I'm terrified in many languages.
This is the point where I'd normally call bullshit, but having (un)successfully ground no less than ten forts into destruction and abandoning three more to boredom after guaranteeing success I 100% believe that this happened in your game.
I had a game where a kitten killed a cyclops, but beyond that my experience mirrors yours.
The bad news: Dwarf Fortress is the first AI to achieve complete sentience. The good news: Urist McH.A.L. Cancels Destroy Mankind: Needs 250,000 Giant Cave Spider Silk Socks.
most games basic tutorial: 2 mins
Dwarf fortress basic tutorial: 2 hours
F*ck yeah dwarf fortress!
"The Bronze Colossus punches The Stray Kitten in the head with its right hand, but the attack glances away!"
Poster: It tried punching it in the head at least 12 or 13 times, but every time the attack glanced off. What the hell was that cat's head made out of, slade?
Without a nervous system...
The only thing they can feel...
On the Adventure Mode page on the wiki, one of the FAQ's is, "I managed to escape but all my limbs are gone. Now what?" It then goes on to talk about what you can do, depending on what limbs you are missing. If you have all your arms and legs gone, it talks about how you could
wrestle people to the ground and kill them using only your teeth
"I think I made the fish too hardcore."
A single post, with
: "What's up? I just colonized hell." This, by the way, is
supposed to happen. Releasing hell is called "endgame" in the files, and defeating the results is supposed to be damn near impossible. But dwarves frequently go beyond rational limits so it was really only a matter of time.
-Made even better by the fact the first responses were people telling him that it hardly counted as colonizing hell properly.
Tiruin: Dwarves play checkers with the blood of the earth and the life of the land... And they win everytime.
ThatAussieGuy: I think I just turned the most feared action a dwarf-forter can make into a simple children's board game that anyone can win.
"A child dodged demons until he starved. Not passed out, not even dehydrated. That isn't a ninja, that's a glitch in The Matrix turning one dwarf kid into Urist McNeo."
As one forum user put it: Urist McClane cancels haul item: Enacting action movie sequence
The guy who used a heavy coffin as a weapon. He proceeded to fill it with three dragons' corpses and countless others, making even more lethally heavy.
"This is metal as
You want a dwarf? There's your fucking dwarf. You want some better graphics?
. Dwarves can do lots of stuff. Like digging. Can you dig?
. Play Dwarf Fortress.
"A penguin brute, who happens to lack a mouth, has a tail, and "it knows and intones the names of all it encounters"."
"Wait, how does it intone names without a mouth?"
"I don't know, but it still does.
That's the creepiest part
Yes, you can technically catch them [giant scorpions] in fortress mode, tame them, put them over piles of crossbows and bolts, hope they pick up both and pelt your enemies with bolts. Fired by giant scorpions.
"The rabbit is not just sitting there. The rabbit is part of the monster. So you're looking at an evil tree stump that has a cute bunny on the end of its tentacles so that it can lure people or other animals near it. While I understand the parallel to animals in the real world, I'm still stuck here looking at a googly-eyed tree stump with a rabbit glued to its head. Wow."
Baragon, who is some sort of ancient reptile...thing with big floppy ears. Awww. Oh, and he's also the smallest monster in the Toho Universe. AND he's possibly the inspiration for the Nidoran line! Made even stranger in Godzilla, Mothra, King Ghidorah: Giant Monsters All-Out Attack! where he's a freakin'
Guiron, as well. For Pete's sake, he's got a huge freakin'
growing out of his head!
-Growing out his head? Hell, he's got a huge freakin' knife
Godzilla vs. Gigan has Gigan AKA The Cyborg "Space Chicken". With hooks for hands (chainsaws in one film) and a buzzsaw
on his stomach
"You like axolotl leather, holy gods that's a bitch to spell, so now you're a leather person. I mean a leather worker person."
The Dwarves aren't Dwarves. They're actually insane midget demons.
-How else can you explain Dwarven Baby Care and Armor, the insane mood swings and half-baked ideas that work, and the general indifference to dying horribly? The "real" demons in Hell are so ashamed, they mutated themselves and are patiently waiting for the dorf-demons to dig down and get annihilated.
Each iteration of the Fortress, in addition to having a different main race (Ours being the Fortress of Man, the one above being the Elven Fortress, the one above that being Angel Fortress, etc), has its own variant on "bugged out overpowered animal that everyone fears". Perhaps some elven programmer updated his devblog untold aeons ago with "I think I made bears too hardcore".
-The bears are exactly hardcore enough. We're just lucky the elves nerfed the coelocanth before reintroducing them. Who knows what could have happened if we'd had classic coelocanth crawling across Asia and Africa, leaping onto the decks of boats and gnawing the crews to death, maybe even making it as far as... ohdearelves... Our shielding systems would do nothing to stop the classic coelocanth from breaking into our nuclear power plant cores!
"It's like Deltora is the fictional equivalent of Australia or something."
Guys, we have destroyed 13 fortresses and
two entire worlds.
Uh....it's a trainwreck, guys. Not gonna lie. I apparently
lost my mind
sometime while playing.
Looking at this sober...
what was I doing
"Well, we've got five lion legs and two lion heads left... how about we make them into a wheel with a head on either side?"
YOLO: Carpe Diem for stupid people.
"Fuck it, let's do this the Yogscast way."
Shadow of Israphel
"We're gonna go on a journey, Lewis... a magical adventure... that will probably end in us dying horribly."
Simon, Season 1 Episode 16
Garchomp is a torpedo/shark/dragon hybrid.
Its head is torpedoes
The eponymous Metroids are floating jellyfish with teeth that will suck out your life. If left alone, these jellyfish turn into
flying dinosaurs that spit fire/lightning
(no ice, for a very good reason).
One of them is named "Hallucigenia". I wonder why...
-Its name means "unreal". For quite a while, our reconstructions of the creature had it upside-down, and we
don't know which end was the front.
Plenty of pterosaurs have this going on too, but the reigning champ among pterosaurs in this department is the Quetzalcoatlus; it was as tall as a giraffe, weighed as much as a grizzly bear, had a wingspan like a small aircraft, took off by essentially pole vaulting and ate baby
for lunch. This video summarizes it perfectly, really. (for the record, there's a point in that video where someone actually calls it "
beyond our comprehension
Recently two near complete skeletons of giant Ornithomimosaur "Deinocheirus" has been discovered, and it was worth the 60 year wait for just how freaking WEIRD it is. It looked like an Ornithomimosaur the size a T. rex and with a sail like a Spinosaurus. And THEN the skull was recovered, and it turns out that it had a bill like a cross between a swan and a spoonbill.
The assassin spider, with its freaky legs and jaws as long as its neck. Yes... neck. A troper who downright
spiders might go "what...what...what is that thing? What is going on with its BODY?!"
"[The body in the coffin] must have spontaneously combusted!"
"I DIDN'T BURN ANYTHING"
Are you drunk?
-Should we trust him with a pick if he is?
"OLD WOMAN, I DEMAND YOUR FINEST BACON!"
"The mightiest of wizards in all of Minecraftia... Is he on the loo?"
That same meeting: Skylord_Lysander had given both heroes "temporary Skylord licenses" so they could access the wizard's tower. In less than three minutes, they both offer theirs to Fumblemore
so he can wipe his ass with them
Simon: Good news is I've dug our way out. Bad news is we're going to drown.
Lewis: You know what's gonna have to happen Simon... You're gonna—
Simon: I'm gonna have to murder him with this axe?
Skylord_Lysander: I'll... be on the deck... don't break the laws of physics any more than you already have.
Father_Braeburn: Ashes to ashes, dust to du- IN NOTCH'S NAME!
Diggy Diggy Hole is banned in Stoneholm. Lewis reacts by throwing the record in the jukebox into the lava.
Knight_Peculier: "I like that song".
Simon: Fortunately I have been eating nothing but Jaffa Cakes for the last week! *brrrrrrrap*
Skylord_Lysander: I would appreciate it if you did not do that on my fair Celaeno.
Old_Peculier mentions that the airship needs more wind to move. What follows is perhaps the best fart joke ever.
"I don't know, I don't think we should be here. Israphel's taint has been rubbed all over it."
Episode 38. Finding a dead body surrounded by blood? Scary. Picking up the "zombie arms" and legs and proceeding to hit each other with them and laugh at the noises? Funny.
"See you later, shiplord!"
Simon: D'you think digging above is really the way to go, given that there's lava up there?
Lewis: Look—look, we're trapped underneath some fucking pyramid, we failed to get the diamond, it's been burnt by lava, you're wedged in the
—this is a disaster. This is an absolute disaster! If anyone finds us when they're playing this custom map, like our
, please just
Simon, as Professor Grizwald: It appears that I have died! I am writing this note from beyond the grave! If you received it, I'm going to haunt you, you son of a bitch! PROFESSOR GRIZWALLLLLLD!
Lewis: Lovely man, isn't he?
Later in the same episode, Simon suggests that there is an invisible bridge over a bottomless chasm as in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Simon then allows Lewis to jump in first and is amazed to discover he's right.
Same episode again. Simon takes FOREVER to get across said invisible bridge. It's entirely possible that Lewis
go grab a cup of tea while waiting for him.
Simon: WHY ARE YOU MOCKING ME?!
Simon: *After reading a somewhat silly note and getting attacked by a spider* JESSSSSUS CHRIOST SPIDER!
In Fumblepony is Missing, Fumblepony creates an oil drill near Appleloosa. In less than five minutes, Simon manages to flood the town with oil.
-Even better is what Simon said. "I am literally worse then BP!"
Simon: We're on the surface of an alien planet, and you're wearing a red shirt.
Captain Sparklez: Did...you...just...
Lewis: And you're about to go mend the nuclear reactor?
Simon: -cheerfully- Yep! Come along, Lewis. Let's go piss around with some nuclear stuff.
Quest Log: WARNING! This boss fight requires coordination and skills.
Simon and Lewis: (
When he finally beats the map and gets the girl, the playthrough ends with various shots of Simon making out with a pumpkin on a block of wool that's supposed to be his love interest.
Lewis: Still a better love story than Twilight.
Lewis: What are you scared of?
(distant, bloodcurdling scream in the background)
Simon: That. I'm scared of that.
Simon: THIS IS THE DWARVEN WAY! Just pull the lever and push the button a bunch of times, and maybe it'll f*cking teleport us.
Simon: Hello, Lewis! I've made a new Minecraft video!
Simon: Y'know what it's about?
A single Weeping Angel comes into view, eyes hidden. The music comes to an abrupt halt.
Lewis: Oh...what's that over there?
Way too chipper
] You see that?
Lewis: What's that over there?
Simon: You see that thing?
Lewis: I did...
Simon: It's a mod spotlight...
Simon turns away, and then turns back, revealing the Angel has moved
Oh, Jesus Christ
LOOK: THIS IS HOW DWARVES FISH!
Simon: So you turned water into lava?
Simon: Much like Jesus.
Less than five minutes later Zoeya scares the living daylights out of Rythian by talking about "their baby". Which she named after the sword. Baby Jim, of course, turns out to be the Volcano they found in a much earlier episode. The moment she mentions it, a battle theme starts.
-Zoeya: It's okay, I left him alone in the woods.
Zoeya: I'm at the slide. I never got to properly test out the slide. I'm now going down the slide. I am approximately halfway down the slide. I'm now at the end of the slide... That was
, that was the best thing I have ever done.
Rythian: What the hell happened?! I was gone for like five minutes, and you come back here and you've got.. shooting- things and.. everything is exploded and..
Zoey: Time machine.
Rythian: Oh god.
Sjin: Get off my light! That's my light!
Simon: I'm- Actually, I think you'll find that I am
on your property, I'm sort of hovering in the air on the edge of your property, so...
Sjin breaks the light Simon is standing on, causing Simon to fall off
Simon: ...Ow. Goddammit!
Another moment follows shortly after with sips seeing a piece of stone in the pipe. Lewis quickly rectifies the situation, and then becomes astounded at the sight of totally random crap appearing in the tube, Including a
and even what looks like
Lewis & Sips plan to steal materials from Simon and Duncan's work shed. While Sips is on stakeout, he notices some white powder being pumped into Simon's chests and immediately wonders if it's cocaine.
Sips: Is that what makes the Jaffas so delicious?
A few minutes later, all issues have been resolved, Lewis gets his sword back, and Simon asks if Sips will teach him how to dirt box. Sips happily agrees, and uses Sjin as a punching bag. Everyone else pulls out dirt and start beating the living snot out of Sjin, before he gets knocked into the quarry. Duncan then knocks everyone else into the quarry, jumps into it himself, then everyone has a free-for-all.
The gang find out Sjin has started his own independent dirt manufacturing company, and right next to it he has built a statue of himself. Duncan wastes no time adding a gigantic penis to the statue.
...And then Sjin builds a rather terrible (especially considering what an amazing builder he is) pool area for children and OAPs, and uses the statue's penis to transport water to fill up the pool.
open electric wires
touching the water.
Simon attempts to 'breed' some flowers.
Simon: Okay you two, come on, start making out...
Lewis tries to quietly steal one of Sjin's mining robots without being seen... then turns and sees Sjin looking directly at him as he does so.
Episode 45 had Sips feeding bullshit so ridiculous, you can't believe that Simon is believing it. For one, they claim that they came in on a hovercraft: a hovercraft that
transformed into Optimus Prime
Duncan: All I can see is frames...
Lewis: Yeah, I see three frames and three idiots.
Duncan, Honeydew Inc.'s resident Smart Guy, doesn't know how to read a clock in Minecraft.
. It looks—um, I'm going to be honest, what do you think Sips? Would you eat this? In my hand?
Sips: Um, I mean—if someone was holding a gun to my head? (beat) No. No, I probably still wouldn't eat it. I would just say, "Just pull the trigger. Get it over with."
Sips: Why is the belt BELOW HIS ASS?
Sjin: I used to play Skyrim, until I, uh...
Simon: Oh, don't even! Don't even! Do! Not! Even!
Sjin: Until I-
Sjin: ...uninstalled it.
Simon: Nuh-oh. Okay. That's better.
Sjin: Now I've got a...
Simon: I wondered where you were going with that...but that's fine. Oh, I would've been so angry...
Sjin: ARROW IN THE KNEE!
) Screw you. Screw you.
When Simon shows up in Episode 10, he ends up becoming the Only Sane Man in comparison to Lewis and Duncan's trigger-happy Mad Scientist ways. He also is given the job of cow/sheep farmer despite the fact that he technically knows the most about nuclear physics out of all of them irl.
Rythian: Me? You're the one who started this whole religious war, with your missionaries, with your prophets, with your Catholicism. You, young lady, are going
. It is time for you to face the blue-and-yellow anger, the
military force of the lion, massed at your border. This is not the time to insult me, as the armies of tanks trample through your homeland, and the musicians sing a dirge of your impending demise, as you
to stand against the might of the Swedish Army. History will only remember you as a
in the legacy of Planet Earth, the planet that Sweden will soon ascend, and leave. We, are going to the heavens.
"My armour is like tenfold shields, my teeth are swords, my claws spears, the shock of my tail a thunderbolt, my wings a hurricane, and my breath death!"
Let our enemies remember this:
We are not threatening, but merely saying:
We crossed half the world
And if necessary we will do it again
"We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard."
"Made in Germany.
Finished in England
Then you have to aim well,
because that soldier will be me!
"Stop sending people to kill me. We've already captured five of them, one of them with a bomb and another with a rifle... If you don't stop sending killers, I'll send a very fast working one to Moscow and I certainly won't have to send another."
"I'm gonna stomp 'em to dust. I'm gonna grind their bones. I'm gonna burn down dere towns and cities. I'm gonna pile 'em up inna big fire and roast 'em. I'm gonna bash 'eads, break faces, and stomp on da bits dat are left. An' den I'm gonna get really mean."
"There are no problems that cannot be solved with cannons."
"One hundred years ago, a man like me killed a monster like you. It can be done again."
"There! There is where the orcs shall dwell! There they will survive, and multiply, and grow stronger, and a day will come when they shall cover the world, and they will slay all of your collective peoples! Orcs shall inherit the world you sought to cheat me of!"
"I am not fighting cancer. Cancer is fighting me."
"The Chinese are ahead of us, behind us, and on both flanks. They outnumber us 20 to 1.
And they can't get away from us now!
"If I enter Laconia, I will level Sparta to the ground."
"Your emperor may be a great prince; I do not doubt it, seeing that he has sent his subjects so far across the waters; and I am willing to treat him as a brother. As for your pope of whom you speak, he must be mad to speak of giving away countries that do not belong to him. As for my faith, I will not change it. Your own God, as you tell me, was put to death by the very men He created. But my God still looks down on His children."
"This is the '90s. You don't just go around punching people. You have to say something cool first."
"Alright. So. Introductions first, along with whoever's your command squad. I'm Michael, I own this house and can crush you with a tank. Repeatedly, if necessary. Or with something heavier. How about you?"
"Yes, I think war is a fool's game. Yes, I believe life — all life — is precious. But tell me something, Vharaj — did you ever listen to my
' tales of me? If you did, it's obvious you weren't paying attention. The Daleks do not have emotion, Vharaj. They don't know fear. But do you know what they called me?
Ka Faraq Gatri
. It means Destroyer of Worlds. I am the Bringer of Darkness, Vharaj. The Oncoming Storm. I've watched worlds and galaxies fall, and rise, and fall again. I fought the Vampires at the dawn of Creation, and I may yet witness the end of the Universe. I brought about the destruction of my own race, the deaths of my children, my grandchildren, my siblings, my friends, all in the name of peace, to save this Universe. So you tell me, Vharaj:
what do you think I am capable of
"I am the God of Thunder and Lightning, not Reason and Understanding!"
Rest assured, Thor. We will find Harry. We'll find the people who took him. And Hulk
I was trained from the age of five to be an assassin. A killing machine. I learned my lessons in the Red Room and I relearnt them on the battlefield of Stalingrad at the age of 15. I have watched empires rise and fall and played my part in both raising them up and bringing them down.
I've fought in worse.
"My name is Sonic. Sonic the Hedgehog. I move at speeds faster than you can imagine...I am the protector of Mobius, a dimension you have never even heard of. I am capable of channeling the power and even the wrath of Chaos when I chose to...I have saved moons tied to planets. I have watched the world burn. I have defeated Chaos, the God of Destruction with my
own bare hands
...And you...just hurt my little brother!"
I, WHO AM BORN OF FIRE AND DEATH. MY STEPS SHAKE THE FOUNDATIONS. MORTAL MEN FEAR MY WAKE. CALLED TO SHATTER THE CHAINS OF MAN. OF RAGE AND POWER NOW SET FREE. NEITHER GOD NOR MAN DARE CHALLENGE ME. WRATH AND RUIN LEFT OF MY FAIR PREY. BUILT ONCE MORE BY YOU DO I RETURN AGAIN. EVEN IN SUBLIGATION TO MY WHIM. DOTH DEVASTATION FORMED BY ARROGANCE WALK FORTH IN THE WORLD OF MAN. I AM UNSTOPPABLE BY ANY WEAPON YOU CHOOSE TO WIELD. I AM KING UPON THE THRONE OF MONSTERS! I AM GODZILLA, AND I LIVE AGAIN!
"You think I'm scared of you, you overgrown luggage set?! I'm
! I killed my first unholy force of evil when I was ONE! YEAR! OLD!
WITHOUT A WAND
! I've been working in the porn industry
SINCE BEFORE I KNEW I COULD WRITE!
I've been supporting my little brothers since the orphanage threw us out for being too awesome when I was five! I do more insane things before dawn than both Weasley twins will ever pull off during their lifespan! Slytherin's fucking
couldn't kill me when it actually managed to get one of its fangs INTO MY ELBOW! I'm building a harem and so far no one's tried to stop me, even though they know I'm doing it! And now,
I HAVE MY BOOMSTICK BACK
! This isn't a counter attack, suitcase! Ever since the last time someone I loved was taken away from me, I've never stopped! My whole
since then has been a counter attack! You? You're not even a choice flag event in the eroge of my life!
"The only Absolution given form. The Former God of Water. The Aspect of Evolution. The Name of A Thousand Suns. I am the Alpha and Omega, Beginning and End, I am HE Who is CALLED I AM, you arrogant bastard. I am the Logos, the Garden, the Primal Meme. I am Kaminic. And I am your death."
Hello, I'm the Doctor.
"I am not some innocent Bureau mage. I am a Wolkenritter. Hell followed in my footsteps once. I am nightmare, I am hatred, I am rage and the death of worlds. Now do you understand why you should never have sought to see how far I may be pushed?"
"When nightmares have their own bad dreams, they dream of me."
Dalek Sec: I COME FROM A PLACE WHERE GODS ROAM A-MONGST THE STARS, WHERE THERE ARE BEINGS THAT COULD E-RASE ALL OF RE-AL-ITY WITH BUT A ME-RE THOUGHT, THAT COULD BEND TI-ME TO THEIR WILL AND FREE YOU FROM HAVING EVER BEING BORN!! YET, NO MAT-TER HOW PO-WER-FUL THEY ARE, THEY ALL FEAR THE SAME THING.
Dalek Sec: NOT ME. A WO-RD; IT IS A WO-RD THAT CAU-SES SUCH FE-AR, THAT E-VEN THE LORDS OF TI-ME ARE SENT TO THEIR KNE-ES.
Kyubey: And what word is that?
Dalek Sec: EX-TER-MINATE!!!
I RE-FUSE TO GI-VE UP AND RE-DUCE MY-SELF TO U-SING "MA-GIC" AS AN EX-PLA-NA-TION FOR E-VERY-THING. THIS IS SCI-ENCE, WHERE A IS E-QUAL TO A, CA-USE HAS EF-FECT AND THI-NGS DO NOT HAP-PEN "BE-CAUSE SO".
"I am Aayla Secura. I have survived a brush with the Dark Side and recovered from losing all of my memories. I have leapt out of moving gunships and crossed chasms without bridges. I have escaped from Separatist facilities that were exploding all around me and come out without suffering a scratch. I have flown through space, blasting apart any droid that I find without prejudice. I have battled rancors, survived an assault from a swarm of Gigantoformicums and scared a bunch of pirates away from a farm by making them believe they were being attacked by a ghost. I have ridden Acklay into battle and even gone so far as to befriend them. I have destroyed Geonosian droid factories from within and faced off against zombies and Jedi infected with mind-controlling parasites. I have stood in the face of giant blasts from defoliator cannons and emerged unscathed. I have passed into the Palace of Jabba the Hutt and come out with my sanity intact. I have infiltrated an entire base of Dooku's Dark Acolytes to convert my Master back from the Dark Side and helped him to fight all of them off. I have assisted in diffusing an anti-matter bomb before it could destroy the whole of Naboo. I have fought off powerful ice monsters and run up and down on the back of the Zillo Beast – the most dangerous creature that has ever been born in this universe. I have defeated Asajj Ventress and Count Dooku, and I shall defeat you in just the same way."
"...I am revenge. I am violence. I am passions. I am rancid to the core. I am one of the winds of chaos. I am nature's fury against nature's law. I am of the Draconequi!"
"Follow your passions, let the fire devour you, become the fire itself. Let loose the savage that exists inside each of you. And bring destruction on those who you crave revenge against."
Do your worst. And when you're done? I'll climb out of the crater. Fight my way through every last one of you. And kill Blackwater myself. You tell her that. Tell her you killed me. And that I'm going to kill her back.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I don't know whether you fully understand that I have just been shot; but it takes more than that to kill a Bull Moose."
"I can either run the country, or attend to Alice. I cannot possibly do both."
-Teddy "Motherf*cking" Roosevelt
"Death had to take him sleeping, for if Roosevelt had been awake, there would have been a fight."
(Looks at small switchblade) "That's not a knife." (draws massive bowie knife) "
In case it wasn't clear by now, he was made of pure, condensed Badass, and is often portrayed as
even more so than he already was
Within his own lifetime
, historian Henry Adams
explicitly compared him to God
In one of his books, he [Roosevelt] is said to have encountered one [Bigfoot]. No, he didn't hit it with a stick.
"Theodore Roosevelt was plagued by asthma early in life. Seeing this as a challenge, he proceeded to beat his asthma to death, ate the asthma's raw flesh and ran 100 straight miles off the energy it gave him."
"I have come over to see when you want to begin the killing."
-Teddy Roosevelt, to a guy who had
publicly threatened to kill him on sight
"To me, the key to understanding the character, is that Bruce Wayne is Teddy Roosevelt."
In essence, he [Roosevelt] was The Commissioner Gordon. Actually, if he had been in Gotham, there'd be no need for Batman.
PREPOSTEROUS AMOUNTS OF TESTOSTERONE!
— Powerthirst 2 mock-commercial
Dwarf Fortress, more specifically adventurer mode. While it is not necessarily so, due to Good Bad Bugs, you can do absurdly manly and awesome stuff like wrestling bears to the ground
and covered with blood, strangling them with your bare hands, and then use the corpse as a bludgeon to kill more bears. Or even throw dead bears at other bears and KILL them with it!
Doctor McNinja, while flicking off a main street with both hands: "Oh, forget it. You know what? It is at you now. I JUST SURFED A ROBO DRACULA FROM THE MOON SO Y'ALLS CAN JUST TAKE IT!"
enough? I have
Y chromosomes, pecs on my abs and
Oh, and God help you if you don't love her.
YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE HER
. A ghostly pale, emaciated, hypercephalic, googly-eyed
shaped creature, its snaggle-toothed bill stupidly agape as it paddles its way through nothing. It's small. It's sickly. It's pathetic. It's ridiculous. It just
ate who you are and left your body to die
That. Is. Awesome.
They are spider people who are not at all spiders, and
that's actually really damn cool
On the other hand
, this version of the Ettercap is
. I don't swear a lot on Bogleech, but look at that little guy.
look at him. I don't care how big of a pansy arachnophobe you are,
you can't not love that little face
. I suppose I just wish this was something other than an Ettercap revamp.
Beth Trott's Ettercap, published in 2007, amps up everything snuggle-able about Kaluta's design by having the little bastard
playing with his spiders. Good god. I want to throw up on a kitten.
One day, perhaps the Ettercap are destined to become full-blown giant spiders....but maybe they'll just
keep on changing from there
, into something nobody has seen before.
Something even spidier than spiders.
You have to feel a little bad for a monster whose entire life could be replaced by a
It's a category shared by the likes of golden unicorns and rainbow-winged angels. These are gaseous, acidic air-mollusks who would rub shoulders with Jesus at a charity dinner for disabled kittens. What's not to love?
The Flumph has corrosive thorns, tentacles and eyes on stalks. It flies, it talks and it wants to be your pal. At what point does any of that
stop sounding cool
to anybody with any sense of fun?
It still flips its shit if you start any fires, though, sort of like a headless, silicon based
Smokey the Bear
"Only YOU can prevent dungeon fires! Also vampires. I hate those guys."
Why does a spider queen have heaps of ooze as minions?
Because it's awesome
So, we have a whole frozen city
with frosty corpses, hibernating forever until they can suck the life out of some hapless visitor, and somewhere there's a pulsing undead heart that will turn you into one of them. This is possibly one of the most badass things I've ever heard.
And then the hundreds to thousands of bodies it amassed all get up and come after you anyway, because they're all zombies now. That's...kind of worse, actually. At least you
knew where they all were
when they were one giant monster.
Far too obscure for something so phenomenally awesome, the Ulgurstasta was created by the mad cleric-turned-demigod, Kyuss, for a simple and glorious purpose: to eat lots of people, digest all their soft tissues, and regurgitate their skeletons as minions. They are literally
in the form of giant, undead maggots with dozens of eyes. Kyuss, you are a man after my own heart.
Giant mummy octopus.
I enjoy the notion of some mysterious voice in the forest mindlessly repeating snippets of meaningless dialog - remarking again and again on entirely the wrong weather, perhaps, or commenting on the unusual size of some long-gone hedgehog - until some unfortunate adventurer just can't resist investigating and gets whacked in the face with an airborne dagger or frying pan hurled by a gigantic, flesh-eating mollusk. These are the sort of situations
games exist for.
So what if I said that Dungeons and Dragons once published a blue and purple, waddling, chittering, nearsighted egg-shaped monster with suction cup feet, giant googly eyes and sticky tentacles on the top of its head?
A monster that also turns red when it's angry.
A monster uncontrollably attracted to bright colors and shiny objects.
oblivious to any surrounding danger, that will toddle straight off a cliff or into a dragon's waiting jaws if given the chance.
A monster any ordinary peasant can kill with their bare hands, and happens to be filled with treasure because it can't stop putting things in its mouth...which is
also on the top of its head
A monster that never, ever stops flapping its stubby, useless little arms as if it's trying to fly, which it absolutely cannot do.
A monster that, above all else,
it really sucks to
Yeah, those other humans around, red crests on their helmets?
Actually, that would be pretty damn awesome to have around if not for the spell-eating. Besides convincing your friends that an invisible bat is eating your magic, the easiest way to get rid of a Magebane is just to cross paths with a more powerful (appetizing) spellcaster and let it be
problem, which could be some damn satisfying revenge against an arch-rival.
It's a monster with a
magical guilt-trip attack
If this isn't one of the most endearing, lovable giant balls of antennae ever conceived, what
Imagine the paranoia as a whole party is picked off, one by one, by a damn
"It's like being assaulted by rotten electric grapefruit."
Wait, what's that? That's not really all that funny-weird when it's laid out like that? Just the stuff of
raw, distilled nightmare
from beginning to end? Huh. I could have sworn that reality-distorting masses of fused, stunted appendages with grown-over eye sockets were normally only for the delight of
giant, walking seahorse that eats like a fly.
who's just a weird chicken!?
You like death, big guy? Here's mine.
"I am the God of Thunder and Lightning spoken of in ancient myth and whispered legend, Snape. I am he who battled Jormungand, the father of all great serpents, and fought the greatest Jotunheim had to offer when Merlin was but a suckling babe. I am Thor Odinson, God of the Vikings. Not a petty conjuror of cheap tricks. All the power of the storm, from all the world, flows through my veins. It can be summoned by my hammer at any time, wherever it is. Do you have any idea what that means? [Beat] A lightning storm in Japan? Mine. A hurricane off the coast of Barbados? Mine again. A brace of tornadoes in Kansas? Mine. All that might, all that destructive force, mine to command. The moment I will it, I wield it. Channelled and guided through the mystic might of my hammer. And if you hurt my son or his friends, it will be guided right at you.
I don't have time to die! I'm
Let's see how those degenerate sophisticates handle a healthy dose of pure unreasoning violence.
“I have survived more than a millennium for every year that you’ve existed. Do not presume to lecture me on the nature of power, Twilight Sparkle.”
[Requesting permission to run the fuck away from the magical creature that can probably junk my metal ass in under a millisecond.]
"... Pay no attention to the robot behind ze invisibility cloak?"
The fact that Cayden Cailean became a god while piss-drunk and still doesn't remember how he did it.
Wheatley: I HAVE A BLOODY DOCTORATE!
GLaDOS: YOU'RE STILL A MORON!
MORON TO YOU!
"Now, Remy, be glad, so
glad, I'm the
“Let me explain something to you, Wilhelm Albrecht the Second, Admiral of the Fourth Fleet, because it seems that you are woefully unaware of the forces with which you treat. I am Princess Celestia of Equestria. In the ancient tongue of the dragons, I am Vaal Kreinsejun and Vaal Unslaad Yol, the Sun-Queen and the Eternal Fire. To the zebra tribes I am mama wa majira ya joto, the mother of summer. To the griffon clans, I am the sun-tyrant and the witch-princess. And to your Sankt Kaiser, I was Kind der Sonne, Sun-Child. I am fire and heat and light. I bring dawn and dusk, and warmth and order follows in my wake. I am older and brighter than the very stars and I bow to nobody. You think your fleet invincible. You think yourself unbeatable. However, should your ships dare to enter my world’s borders, I will be more than happy to prove you wrong. Your machines will melt. Your fleet will be turned to glowing slag. Your soldiers will die burning and blind, and you yourself will be reduced to nothing more than ash. Because it does not matter how great your fleet is. It does not matter how many machines or men you have, nor how thick your armor or how powerful your magic. I will turn the full fury of the sun upon you without hesitation.
You. Will. Burn.
"So! T'all ya fine dandies, so proud, so cocksure, prancin' aboot with yer heads fulla eyeballs... come and get me, I say! I'll be waiting for ya with a whiff of the ol' brimstone!
I'M A GRIM BLOODY FABLE, WITH AN UNHAPPY BLOODY END!
"Grass grows, birds fly, the sun shines, and brother, I hurt people."
"Some people think they can outsmart me. Maybe...maybe. I have yet to meet one that can outsmart
"Professionals have standards: be polite, be efficient, have a plan to kill everyone you meet."
"If you managed to kill them, I can assure you they were
"I'm not trapped in a facility full of robots. YOU are ALL trapped in here WITH ME!"
"If God had wanted you to live, he would not have created
RED Spy: One shudders to imagine what
thoughts lie behind that mask. What dreams of chronic and sustained cruelty.
"I fear no man. But that...
... It scares me."
Medic: I healed the man that will
Medic: When the patient voke up his skeleton vas missing, and ze doctor vas never seen again!
Heavy: HA HA HA HA!
Medic: Anyvay, zats how I lost my medical license.
I am Deathwing, The Destroyer, the end of all things. Inevitable, indomitable. I. AM. THE CATACLYSM!
I know exactly what i'll be doin' about it, Son of Hellscream. I'll watch and wait as ya people slowly become aware of ya ineptitude. I'll laugh as dey grow to despise ya, as I do. And when that times comes, when ya failure is complete and ya power is meaningless, I will be there ta end your rule. Swiftly, and silently. You will spend ya reign glancin' over ya shoulder, and fearin' da shadows. For when the time comes, and ya blood be slowly drainin' out, you will know
who fired da arrow that pierced ya black heart.
Orno Grimtotem: You will die in shame like your pathetic father!
Baine: It took a coward's poison and the fury of Hellscream to bring my father down. WHAT CHANCE HAVE YOU?!
"You want our land? We'll bury you here."
And for the record... I would have kicked your ass the
time if the lady hadn't stopped me.
Johnson: Well, I don't care if it's God's own personal anti-son-of-a-bitch machine, or a giant hula hoop, we're not gonna let 'em have it! What we will let 'em have is a belly full of lead, and a pool of their own blood to drown in! Am I right, Marines?!
Marines: Sir yes sir!!
Johnson: Damn right I am!
Dark Bowser: Soon, this kingdom will vanish along with all who dwell within. And you too will sleep eternally in the dark powers' embrace!
Bowser: GWAHAHA! Great dark hurricane! Seriously, perfect backdrop for an awesome final battle! You really sweat the details! ...Listen up! You're saying the kingdom will vanish?
NOT TODAY! THIS KINGDOM IS ALL MINE! SO YOU VANISH!
Kerrigan: You see, at this point, I'm pretty much the queen bitch of the universe.
"I do not need walls. I will evolve armor. I do not need weapons. I will evolve claws."
Arcturus: "Kerrigan. The die is cast. This is the last day your Swarm darkens the sky of
planet! Korhal will endure, as will I!"
Kerrigan: "Nice quote. I'll engrave it on your tombstone."
They say you should always end things on a high note, and giant, pooping germs are as high a note as any.
We would be fairly well screwed if we were talking about flesh-eating parasites, here, but these microscopic crawlers, often referred to as "water bears," are quite harmless to us humans, and
See? It's only not a pokémon because it's busy
already being real.
I'm pretty sure it's physically impossible to not find Kabutops awesome. It looks uncannily like some undiscovered strain of Zerg or some other Gigeresque space-demon, but it's actually one of Pokemon's quasi-feasible moments of speculative evolution; if trilobites never died out, who's to say they really couldn't slowly turn into bipedal, amphibious super-predators with raptorial forelimbs? Kabutops is a
trilo-mantis. And it's
. And we've seen it
hunting in packs
. It's everything Velociraptors were in Jurassic Park, only it trades the ability to open doorknobs for a jointed exoskeleton which, in the real world, could probably
. And just like the made-up monster "raptors" in Jurassic park,
the fools brought them back to life
Oh, and did I mention there's in-universe proof that pokemon like Kabutops once hunted normal,
non-pokemon wildlife? Now you know where the hell all of it went.
"This is not Warcraft in space! I-it's much more sophisticated!"
Yeah that’s nice, only it’s not Dragon. I said a dragon. I’m talking about a fire breathing, laser shooting, robot dragon that’s tearing up the lobby.
"I want a rematch once I get my boobs back."
There is a logical reason for this. Well, logical for Deadpool.
Turns out that the facial expression for "Oh crap, I am about to get eaten by a shark," is exactly the same between seals and humans.
He's gonna take you back to the past,
To play the shitty games that suck ass
He'd rather have a buffalo take a diarrhea dump in his ear
He'd rather eat the rotten asshole of a roadkilled skunk and down it with beer
He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard.
He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd
He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd
He's the Angry Video Game Nerd
Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it—Monkeys! Aren't! Funny!
My muse does not demand sexy things. My muse demands scaly monsters that fight each other.
Probably meant a monster who has other monsters living on or in it, or maybe just a lot of monsters together? Either way that sounded like way more work than any of the other entries, so fuck it: wasp's nest.
"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
"....so if you give a crap feel free to check back in next week to satisfy your insatiable desire to read about grown people punching each other in the mouth or beating each other about the head and neck in a most furious manner."
This crazy-ass bastard is one of the most hardcore freedom fighters to ever live, and a dude so extreme balls-out in his insatiable quest for vengeance that something as inconsequentially-trivial as
being fucking decapitated
couldn't stop him from crushing his enemies to death with his nutsack.
Benkei went out to the drawbridge leading towards the castle, clenched his naginata in his fists, and dared the army on the other side to fucking fuck with him. A couple punk-ass bitches thought they wanted a piece of SMB, but Benkei slapped the fail out of them with the blunt end of his bladed axe, knocking their brains out and sending crumpled remains splashing into the moat.
So one day God and everybody are chilling out and this fucking insane-o motherfucking demon busts through the pearly gates ready to kick fucking asses and making the lesser angels (the fat kids and Victoria Secret models) piss themselves.
Holy shit, everybody thinks. They're totally fucked because look at this motherfucker. He's a fucking huge red monster with gleaming talons and spikes covering one-third of his body and glowing eyes and he looks PISSED. But instead of handing over St. Peter's keys like some kind of two-dollar pussy carjacking victim, God takes one look at this thing and is just like, "Mike, show this fucking douchebag the door". The Archangel Michael calmly nods his head, slowly takes the cigarette out of his mouth and flicks it onto the floor, cracks his knuckles and confidently strides towards Lucifer.
"Canada gets a bad rap these days, with many Americans looking down on them as our pussier, slightly-British neighbors to the North, but anybody who's ever watched footage of the 1970's Philadelphia Flyers teams knows that Canadians can be some seriously hardcore motherfuckers who would just as soon cold-cock you in the chops as slash you between the legs with a goalie stick. These crazy bastards have an underappreciated history of badassery, and nowadays we don't really respect the fact that Canadians can be hard-drinking, hard-fighting, lumber-jacking motherfuckers who destroy all who oppose them in a flurry of bare knuckles, bizarre accents, and the Metric System."
On the subject of the African Honey Badger: But the Honey Badger doesn't give a crap – he comes across a puff adder that is eating a rat, and his first instinct is to run up,
grab the rat out of the snake's mouth
, carry it a few feet away, and then eat the rat right in front of the snake just to show the adder that he's a bitch. After eating the stolen meal, the Badger then decides, "Screw it, now I'm going to eat this damn snake too". This really takes being an asshole to another level, which is something I can appreciate. The adder and the Ratel fight, and the Honey Badger kills the viper, but not before being bitten in the face and pumped full of enough venom to kill a creature three times its size. The Badger succumbs to the poison, falls unconscious, but then – amazingly – somehow
comes back to life and continues devouring the already-half-eaten snake.
Not only is he more drug resistant than Ozzy, but in the weeks after being fitted with a GPS tracker by an enterprising, stupidly-brave, presumably-deceased scientist armed with a ten-foot pole and a suit of +2 Chainmail, he summited the highest peak in Glacier National Park – 10,466 feet – covering the last 4,900-feet by running straight up a sheer cliff face in the span of 90 minutes. Through 20-inch deep snow. In the middle of January, when temperatures were in the single digits. His tracker didn't explain why, but we can only assume the answer involves teabagging the summit just out of principle.
"We've run into scorpions the size of battle tanks, three men died from Eyerot last week, I've sweated enough to fill a lake, my boots just got sucked into a sink-swamp and the trees are so thick in places, you can't squeeze between them. Emperor help me, I
this place! It's just like home!"
The monster-infested main setting of Mortasheen
this, with the creator even mentioning that "the setting has enough deadly exponentially replicating organisms that
they just cancel each other out
"See, there's a reason Australia is a water-locked continent: Geography is trying to protect you."
"Ah, Australian animals. If it isn't venomous, carnivorous, or has foot-long claws, it's a tourist."
Out of the intelligently-designed cruelty of some cock-sucking asshole of a God, or just dumb luck, Australia has the largest concentration of venomous, aggressive, and black-hearted creatures on Earth.
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
Lightning cracked in the sky of this desolate wasteland, yet despite the thunderclouds, which painted the sky the colour of a bruise, there was no relief for this parched land. The ruins of a dead city, smothered in dust the colour of blood, were revealed in each flash of light. And in those brief moments of light, things could be seen moving, things that moved in a way which was anathema to the human eye, all squirming and crawling and too many legs.
Some would have called this place Hell.
Fools. The depths of the horrors imagined by Dante could not match the abominations that dwelt in this place.
This was Australia.
[upon being asked 'Where could you find a Wyld pocket in Real Life?']
"1859: The Aussies invent Australian Rules Football, a combination of soccer, rugby, and murdering people in cold blood."
Rugby on a cricket pitch with extreme violence.
Aussie Rules is ... umm ... what's the word? ... violent. Very, very violent.
Rules? There are rules other than POUND THE CRAP OUT OF WHOEVER HAS THE BALL?
In the event of ever finding yourself having to nurse a baby platypus or echidna, just spread the formula onto the palm of your hand and get the baby to "snuffle" it up. Your hand is now a monotreme boob.
The koala. NOT a bear no matter what it looks like. Eats only the leaves of eucalyptus trees and is one of the few animals capable of dealing with the oils in their leaves - so they may be specialized, but they don't have to share. May look cute and cuddly, but best handled with care. They're climbing animals, those claws are sharp, and they tend to panic when you pick them up... messy. They also sound like they're possessed when they fight.
For some reason it rarely entered our heads that just bluntly describing the perfectly real Australian fauna often has the desired reaction anyway.
-Discussion on the mythical Drop Bear
When Death asks for a list of deadly wildlife in XXXX, he is promptly crushed under the ensuing mountain of books; when he then asks about the
-deadly wildlife in XXXX, he gets a single sheet of paper that reads, "Some of the sheep"
Much like the Kangaroo and Emu, known for being able to kick your stomach out through your nose: cassowaries have more dangerous kicks than emus or kangaroos, because one of their claws on their foot is especially sharp and can slit open throats and bellies with ease. Remember the raptors in
? Same thing.
Some people have reported that the only humane way to get an angry lorry to let go once its bitten is to blast it with a garden hose.
like our penguins. In Sydney,
have been deployed to protect them.
The nice thing about the funnelweb is that it lives all over the eastern coast of New South Wales, and just loves to camp out in your room, under your bed, or hey, even in your bed. They're not fussy.
Plus, the bastards
More commonly known as "the poison thing that lives in a shell that spikes you when you pick it up."
"The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are curiously few snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all. But even the spiders won't go near the sea."
There was a story (uncertain if it's true) that a teenager went into the ocean on a dare and got stung. Even after the ambulance arrived and he had been sedated,
he was still screaming in agony.
Up north they have a saying, "A box jellyfish will kill you. Irukandji will make you wish you were dead."
If you stay in Australia for a month, particularly in the suburbs, you will want to grab a shotgun and shoot the whiners down.
The blackberry, oh GOD the blackberry. Tell any Victorian farmer that it is a beautiful plant that should be protected, farmed and loved, and he will either viciously insult you, your mother, and your grandmother or kick your ass (it is a good idea to wear a suit of armor, as you WILL need it).
How does a foot-high, tough-as-koala-shit cactus that grows inch-long barbed spines
that can penetrate a truck tire
grab you? Seriously, check out the photos, then imagine treading on one. The barbs means they don't come out, either.
Remember that Simpsons episode where they go to Australia and Bart leaves his frog at the airport, only for it to hop away and devastate the Australian crops and countryside in the time it took for the show's story to finish? Yeah, that's more or less real.
One advert a while back features cane toads being used as golf balls by drunken Queenslanders, hitting them over the New South Wales border fence, and promptly being chased off by border patrol. It was a beer ad, mind.
drunk use cricket bats. They're also good for hockey practice.
-Don't forget blowing them up with smuggled firecrackers in their mouths.
-It's practically a national duty to swerve to run over as many of them as you can rather than dodge.
-It's also a fun summer activity for anybody under the age of about 15, 'toading' (the activity in their breeding season of killing absolutely as many as you can in a time limit. Not as hilariously cruel, but definitely more pragmatic) is practically a national children's pastime. Common weapons include: Cricket bats, golf clubs, broom handles with nails in them, cans of deodorant with cigarette lighters, tubs of salt, gumboots, bricks,
-The RSCPA recommends that people humanely kill them by capturing them and placing them in the freezer, but no sane Australian is going to do
-On killing invasive cane toads
Worse, these things[cane toads] are very difficult to kill. They make cockroaches look delicate. You can run these things over on a ride-on mower, have them go under the front wheels, have them get CAUGHT IN THE BLADES, have them go under the back wheels because you could and the thing will just sit there like, "Oh I'm sorry. Was that supposed to kill me?"
Zendikar is an entire world where nature is trying to kill you dead. Among other things.
Think of the Wasteland as a typical Fallout Wasteland...
. In Fallout, few creatures have energy-based attacks, Super Mutants don't have the ability to generate extremely sturdy protective shields or fly, and Deathclaws aren't adapted enough to qualify as a faction on their own, with enough wit to reverse-engineer firearms for their own uses, plus being able to dig fast enough for it to be a viable combat tactic. Guess what you can find in the now devastated Equestria.
How can you not love a fic where a 400 megaton nuke is seriously described
as a firecracker
"When the guys in charge of X-COM think you’re too nuts to be on a UFO Retrieval Team, then you’ve got some
"The story of Africa in the modern age is one of war, disease, corruption, repression and poverty. On the upside, there are tons of monkeys and you never need a jacket."
The world of Urisarach was a storm-wracked planet covered in dense, hair-like forests, home to a nigh-extinct race of huge, armored arachnids dumped there because the monsters were just that unpleasant. It earned its nickname after a failed incursion that nearly wiped out an entire expeditionary fleet of Space Marines: "This. World. Is.
There's a tale told about a batallion of soldiers who landed on a daemon world. Every day they're forced to fight to the death against opponents they can never beat, only to be revived the next day to repeat the process. Those guys happen to be Orks. They'd basically found Ork Valhalla.
Our scans show that Hard Fun has only about five weeks left.
Before its biosphere collapses?
No, before its entire planetary mass is eaten by inhabitants.
Avernus: Giant fireballs from the sky. Dodge them and you just have to avoid the endless Blood War campaigns that'd love to have some cannon fodder.
Dis: Superheated environment meets government that makes 1984 look like happy flower hippies.
Minauros: Acid swamp perpetually absorbing the structures built on it, largely a wilderness in which giant things lurk which the
are afraid of.
Phlegethos: Fire-dominant environment. The landscape is made of volcanoes and magma. The
Stygia: Cold-dominant environment. The entire landscape is glaciers and stop-your-heart-in-seconds water. That also rips out your memories.
Malbolge: Before Glasya, a land made entirely of hills suffering perpetual landslides from mountain-sized boulders. Now, the entire landscape is alive, and guess what it wants to do to you?
Maladomini: A morass of sludge and filth that makes anyone who visits lose all motivation. And the air is acidic.
Cania: Major cold-dominant. Breathing kills you, or you freeze to death first.
Nessus: One big flat plane, with some canyons. You have nowhere to hide from all the forces of the heart of Hell. No, the canyons are worse.
As of fourth edition, Baator is now a planet. The one thing that won't kill you? Falling from the upper atmosphere, which is where most people who come here arrive. Why?
Because the place isn't merciful enough to kill you that quickly.
Limbo, the dimension of utter chaos. While most of it is just boiling 'nothing specific' that only takes form when subjected to conscious will, there is a large island of stable land floating there too. It is a jungle and an extremely deadly one - since chaos-infused creatures acquire Healing Factor by default, any predator living there has to be all the more deadly. And the constant mutation gives evolution more chances to get the 'ultimate predator' right than seems believable. Not that the local plants are any better...
And, putting all the rest of the examples to pitiful shame, you have the Far Realm. Try to imagine a place where Lovecraft's monsters would not only originate from, but would be the most basic form of life. Now remove everything even remotely resembling the laws of physics, in any possible way. Now make it a billion times worse than that. You're not there yet, but you're starting to get the basic
Pathfinder's Golarion setting has settlements on almost all of the planets. Including
the surface of the Sun
New Phyrexia may not be mono-black like old Phyrexia, but that just means it now has five different flavors of horrible death.
"Every creature [in Australia] is bigger and angrier than anywhere else in the world... spiders and snakes and the like normally hide under rocks. The Earth is one big rock, Australia is at the bottom of the big rock, and so they're trying to hide under it."
Aragorn: Of course the woods are enchanted. They all are.
Gimli: Nature Boy is right. When was the last time anyone saw a regular, non-enchanted forest? You can't grow two trees next to each other without some wizard or demon coming along and enchanting them.
"Granted, the world of Zendikar itself has done its best to kill you. A geopede bit clean through your leather climbing harness two miles up a sheer face of Mount Valakut, plunging you into a ravine—which fortunately bore water, but unfortunately also bore some rapids-loving breed of piranha. The same second you managed to get your hands on one of those strange stone hedrons in Turntimber, you crashed headlong into a crude earthen pit, facing a baloth who looked like it had just heard the dinner bell. You had almost arrived at the misty Jwar Isle, with your maps and guides intact, when the sea decided to take your journey personally, coalescing into an enormous, briny maw and swallowing your galleon whole, washing away all of your cargo and most of your resolve...you've seen more than your fair share of trail guides perish under rolling balls of lava, snatched up by hungry-tentacled gomazoa, or shriveled up skin-to-bone by a fierce case of mire blight, but that's the open trail for you."
Redstone is a molten planet, much like Char but even more so. The vast bulk of its lava is not contained, but floats freely in a massive sea, which naturally has
Char is a Single-Biome Planet of volcanoes, which the Zerg have come to call a de facto homeworld, because it is a practice for them to settle in harsh environments to force natural selection upon themselves. One soldier reports that "the planet itself joins in the killing". There
a part of Char that isn't a lava-blasted plain covered in ash. It's an acid swamp full of zerg eggs.
The local plants get in on the act as well. One inhabitant experimented with rolling herbal cigars from the local flora. The result? Death from massive internal bleeding. The
lethal plants include electric cacti and firemelons.
The various Pokémon regions, where bugs the size of car tires are the norm. People in the Pokeverse say that traveling without a Pokemon companion of your own is dangerous. They are not joking.
Don't let the colorful, 2D graphics deceive you—the randomly-created worlds of 'Terraria'' are Death Worlds, one and all. Killer slime can be found in the safest environments. Vultures, sharks, hornets bigger than you are, killer bats, and even piranhas await you above ground. Razor-sharp feather-slinging harpies inhabit the upper atmosphere. The underground is filled with skeletons, killer roots, vampire bats, and far enough down, demons. The hills and caverns are steep enough that you can die from fall damage just by traversing the terrain, plus the risks of drowning or falling into pits of lava. Meteors and Hellstone will burn to the touch unless you've built a charm to ward them off. Legions of zombies and enormous, disembodied eyes will pound at your door all night, every night. Eventually, an army of goblins will descend upon you with little warning. And every night has a chance for the Blood Moon to rise, increasing the number and might of the zombies, and turning even the harmless bunnies of the wilderness into walking horrors.
Serious Sam 3 is a constant prelude to itself, an ode to destruction forever building to greater crescendos, an orgy of cartoon violence that keeps on inviting new participants instead of slowing down and catching its breath. Each new weapon marks a leap upwards in the scale of its increasingly absurd onslaught of enemies and crumbling scenery, and each time you’ll think "good grief, this is ridiculous. There’s no way it can top this." But it does. It always does.
How fun would it be to rain
on your foes? Listening to them bellow on their way down, then SPLAT onto unfortunate Egyptians. I’m not saying it’s cool to slaughter these people, but there’s at least a few more fun ways to go about it.
“Look, flies! Billions of them!” If I were him, I’d be a lot less concerned with their number and a lot more wetting my pants because they’re
! They should be saying, “Shit, it’s Starship Troopers!” “I hate that movie!”* Twitch, twitch, twitch.
IS THAT THE BEST YOU'VE GOT, HELL?!
In the former category there's the case of Alan Ralsky, the original "King of Online Spam". Starting in the very early days of the internet, he has annoyed and royally pissed off billions and billions of internet users by pushing unwanted garbage into their mailboxes all in the name of fun and profit. He seemed almost untouchable because he shrugged off a lawsuit by Verizon and his immoral business practices of everyday misery were not illegal. He eventually got what was coming to him when he did an interview with Detroit News, which led to many, many,
people finding the address of his new home and getting him signed up to every hardcopy mailing campaign that they could find. Ralsky, of course, complained when his house was
being flooded by truckloads of advertising mail EVERY SINGLE DAY, threatening to sue... someone. It didn't pan out.
(...but karma is usually a long-term thing. Rarely do you see the literal Bitch-Slapping Glove of Justice descend from the skies to smack somebody in the mouth for being a jerk. Notice we said "
" and not "
Yui Ikari: Not that I'm complaining, but how did you convince a literal sex demon to get me a wardrobe this tasteful?
Mephisto II: As I keep saying, I'm the King of Hell, damnit! When I give someone a direct order which isn't all that often, really they obey it or risk a brutal punishment.
Yui: But how the hell do you punish a sex demon who's into
every single fetish at once
Mephisto II: Two words: Enforced. Abstinence.
"Hook, if you don't back off and get moving right the hell now, the only song you're gonna get from me is '99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.' And I will sing it off key, and so help me, I will
You know you’re fucked when your lynch mob has Death himself in it.
Just spent… oh, I dunno, somewhere between five and six hours off and on fishing in Animal Crossing to get my valuable citizen a fucking $15,000 fish. I feel at once a sense of great accomplishment, and an even greater sense that I have no life whatsoever.
I still hold to the core of the idea of “What Would Godzilla Do” though. I still don’t quit in a fight (if I can’t avoid it) and I still stand up for those I care about. Hell, there is a bar in Dallas I’m banned for life from cause the bartender was getting grabby with one of my friends and wouldn’t leave her alone, so in the spirit of WWGD I lit him on fire.
"No Laws Against It"
I’m… I’m fairly certain there are
laws against it now.
"Godziller says I should fight my own battles, ya know!"
Maybe you should listen to your dad, you mooching fuck.
Like vegetables? Yeah right. How about you just pull a potato right out of the ground and eat it raw without seasoning or cooking it? DO IT, EAT THE RAW POTATO COVERED IN DIRT AND TELL ME YOU LIKE VEGETABLES.
"I'm not locked up in here with you:
locked in here
"Yea verily, though I charge through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, for I am driving a house-sized mass of "fuck you."
She regularly takes a mecha capable of tearing apart universes for
, among other things.
She goes to the Dimension of the Metal Gods themselves to acquire the most powerful guitar in the world, Fuckslayer. Said guitar can't even be played by non-Bad Ass characters, and Blake uses a Core Drill to play it. The result
shatters the earth around her, and she keeps on playing with naught a care in the world. She does this
to win a bet.
Catachan might be an even better example than Cadia. It's a world where every plant and animal is poisonous, carnivorous or both, the jungle constantly encroaches on any settlement laid down and needs to be burned away every day, the native flora and fauna include venus flytraps that can move and eat people, scorpions the size of tanks and frogs which can explode and kill anything within a kilometer, and the natives are all hugely muscled, tough-as-nails knife-loving Rambo-esque survivalists. Cadia is a world where people have to be badass or they get killed as adults. Catachan is a world where everyone has to be badass or
they don't see adulthood
Warhammer Fantasy, although in this case it's one-third natural selection, one-third the will of the gods, and one-third taking on Bloodletters
semiautomatic rocket grenade launchers or tanks the size of small cities.
You know that you are living in a World Of Badass when the
are soul-eating Eldritch Abominations, and are some of the
beings in the setting.
To wit, one episode opens up with a random
in a fight with a platypus-bear.
The Lone Wanderer:"If Sarah Lyons dies, or I find Pitt raiders causing trouble in the capital wasteland again, I will come back here, and I will end you. I will kill you, your wife, and your child. I will burn your city street by street until there is nothing left. Every trace of your existence will be wiped from every file and noone will even remember that you ever tried. I took down Raven rock. I took down the Landcrawler. I took down Evergreen Mills, twice. I have traveled to point lookout and back, marched into the Supermutant's den, and nothing has stood against me. Destroying this city would be child's play. You know the legends. Ignore them at your peril."
Ashur:"What's to stop me from calling my guards?
The Lone Wanderer:"They're all dead, for one thing,"
Kai: Don't come closer—I'll shoot!
Hiroshi: Ad what, exactly, do you suppose that that will accomplish?
"I am a beautiful animal! I am a destroyer of worlds! I am
"I am the God of Thunder and Lightning spoken of in ancient myth and whispered legend, Snape," he said softly. A powerful static charge began to build, until sparks danced around Thor. "I am he who battled Jormungand, the father of all great serpents, and fought the greatest Jotunheim had to offer when Merlin was but a suckling babe. I am Thor Odinson, God of the Vikings. Not a petty conjuror of cheap tricks. All the power of the storm, from all the world, flows through my veins. It can be summoned by my hammer at any time, wherever it is. Do you have any idea what that means? [Beat] A lightning storm in Japan? Mine. A hurricane off the coast of Barbados? Mine again. A brace of tornadoes in Kansas? Mine. All that might, all that destructive force, mine to command. The moment I will it, I wield it. Channelled and guided through the mystic might of my hammer. And if you hurt my son or his friends, it will be guided right at you.
Lady Elizabeth Braddock
, hundreds of good men and women, loyal servants of the crown, died horrible deaths at the hands of these bastards. I watched friends and colleagues gunned down by the Winter Soldier, who’s now under HYDRA command. I had to identify the remains of old friends after the attack at MI6, and that was after I spent half a night running for my life from the Soldier. This was an attack on Britain and her people, Lady Braddock. We are not helpless little children, running to hide behind our big, tough friends after we get hurt. Any aid we receive is welcome. But this is our country, and our problem. And I intend to solve it by hunting down every single one of the bastards responsible for this and personally escorting them to whatever hell they believe in, Avengers and Asgardians be damned.
"There are none who can avoid trembling at my power! None! No man alive! Not one! No man alive can avoid trembling at my power!" Jeffiroth cried redundantly, holding his sword straight up above him in a dramatic fashion. "I am the black wind that echoes in the—"
"There he goes again," Xaldin sighed heavily and recalled his lances.
Lexaeus groaned. "I would be much more mildly impressed with his fighting abilities if he would stop taking breaks to spew out poetry."
Jayne: Look. I've gotten into fights with idiots ten times meaner than you two. I fought militia, mercenaries, and goons just like you. Hell, I've fought Alliance marines before(...)I've even tangled with Reavers.
Mal: Badger, I've got personal beef with Adelei Niska. And you know I've got all manner of trouble with the Alliance. Now, on top of all that joy, I've got a bunch of happy little low-life Browncoat terrorists who want me dead too. So, you want to join the party, feel free. Just get in line.
River: You have made multiple assumptions, based on fallacious reasoning, which I find hilarious. First, you think I am still an emotional wreck. You believe that I am unstable, ineffective, defeated. That is a reasonable but terribly erroneous assumption. I am functional. (...) The second fact is that you assume physically restraining me will keep you safe. You should know better by now that restraints are irrelevant. Because
I can kill you with my brain
WE ARE. THROUGH DESCENT OF SHE WHO IS CALLED "I THINK" WE ARE BORN. THOUGH SIX BILLION FEET POUND THE BASE EARTH, WE ARE AS ONE. WE ATE FROM THE TREE OF KNOWLEDGE AND STAND AGAINST THE PROGENY OF THE TREE OF LIFE. WE ARE MANY, AND YET WE ARE UNITED. THROUGH OUR DEEDS, SHALL FLESH AND MACHINE AND MIND UNITED STRIKE DOWN THOSE WHO OPPOSE OUR BILLIONS OF SELVES. LET OUR WORDS SPLIT ATOMS, AND CALL FORTH THE PRODUCE OF THE BASE EARTH TO SERVE US, AND ONLY US. WE ARE THE KILLERS OF ANGELS. AND THOSE WHO WE SPARE SHALL BECOME ONLY TOOLS IN OUR SERVICE. WE ARE THE FINAL ANGEL. WE ARE THE LILIM. CHILDREN OF LILITH, MOTHER OF MONSTERS, WHO SHOW THEIR MOTHER NO MORE MERCY THAN ANY OTHER ANGEL. WE ARE LEGION. AND WE ARE WAITING.
"I knew fate would contort and twist back upon itself before ever allowing me to claim my hard earned victory. But tell fate this, Half-Light Dusk. If the game will cheat before letting me win, I simply have to change the rules. I WILL stand on equal footing with her. I will no longer be her or anyling else's slave. Not her, not Cocoon's, not my flesh, and most certainly not that mad creature that thinks himself king of everything. He's next on my list. So tell me I am doomed, tell me I have no chance of winning, that I never had any chance of winning, I've heard it many times before, and I have proven them all wrong! I always grant those who look down on me their just reward. Send me to Hell and I SWEAR by every changeling that has ever lived, I will devour it from the inside out like a cancer! Tell me an infinite number of others have made the same boast and failed and were but toys for Havoc in the end, I will be the one to make that boast reality! Lock the gates of Heaven and I will break through them! Dump me in Oblivion and I will claw my own way out! I've come too far, I have struggled for too long, to see all I have made with literal sweat, blood, and tears, to crumble to dust now. I refuse to lose!"
"You are nothing! You are no more than a child lashing out against forces they could never understand! I am the Bane of Chaos, the Anathema, the Light of the Immaterium and Beacon for all whom travel its currents! I am the Empress of Ponykind, the mightiest being to have ever walked the land, and I shall smite you and purge your pathetic race from this earth for daring to challenge my power!"
Three words: Rocket. Propelled. Chainsaw.
"The double-ended laser sword. Now that is a
good way to cause major injuries to yourself. So you know anyone who dares to attempt to wield one of these suckers in battle is either incredibly good, or incredibly stupid. And if they were that stupid, they wouldn't be standing in front of you with all four limbs still attached."
The laws of physics took one look at these blades, and just grabbed some popcorn.
Light-chucks? Bad. Ass. But not as badass as flaming sword-chuks.
Wes: "So it's like a blaster you have to hit someone with. I have to have one."
Tycho: "Don't give him a new kind of weapon! It would be like giving a lightsaber to a two-year-old!"
On that note, the Cerebral Bore, plus nearly half of the Turok series' other weapons. Remember the
of three barrels per rocket launcher? The landmines specifically designed to amputate at the shin? The electrified shotgun that can put the same bullets through a single target six times over? The rocket-propelled sledgehammer? The precision-guided boomerang
? That gun that desiccates enemies and leaves behind jerky? The sticky, radioactive flares that slowly microwave people?
The theory goes like this: You pull the trigger on a machine gun until the whole world turns into blood, and it is awesome. You can't argue with that; that's
The alien weaponry in District 9. One of the less impressive ones is a cannon that fires a burst of compressed air. Which can knock a guy through a wall. It gets better.
-Also, pig gun. There aren't enough weapons that kill your opponent with a
Scarlett's crossbow from G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. It has two bows, one on top of the other, like a double-barreled shotgun. It has
Laser Sights. It has a hi-def camera to allow you to target specific body parts. Its arrows are somehow guided using the camera and onboard computers. The arrows also explode.
Guild Wars has "The Dreamer"; a legendary bow that looks like a butterfly wing forged into a bow... And shoots Rainbow trailing unicorns.
Most Warhammer 40,000 weapons fit this trope. The weakest weapon in the setting is a laser gun which can blow the arm clean off an unarmoured normal, and they just get bigger, and more awesome from there. For instance, the Ork gun which fires Snotlings THROUGH HELL into the target's brain. Chainsaw swords (and chainsaw fists). Demon-powered swords. Razor Floss cannons. Weaponised cutting torches which can shoot through tank armour. Molecule-thick shuriken shooters. Guns which fire needles of frozen poison. And so forth. And let's not forget that virtually all of the setting's weapons have versions which can be mounted to Humongous Mecha. And then, there's the Tyranids and their organic weapons systems...
Don't forget the eponymous Bolter, which is basically a rapid-fire RPG in assault rifle form. Also comes in pistol size, to be wielded alongide the aforementioned chainsaw swords.
Horror is looking into the eyes of the Shadowed One, knowing you are about to die...and then being forced to live. Horror is waking each day to see every part of your body moving on its own, a shifting mass of Protodites where once was solid metal and living tissue. Horror is what is in the eyes of your partners when they look at you...and in the cries of your enemies when your swarm engulfs them. Don't talk to me about fear, creature—
I AM FEAR!
"I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you,
and I will kill you.
We will be cruel to the Germans, and through our cruelty they will know who we are. And they will find the evidence of our cruelty in the disemboweled, dismembered, and disfigured bodies of their brothers we leave behind us. And the German won't not be able to help themselves but to imagine the cruelty their brothers endured at our hands, and our boot heels, and the edge of our knives. And the German will be sickened by us, and the German will talk about us, and the German will fear us. And when the German closes their eyes at night and they're tortured by their subconscious for the evil they have done, it will be with thoughts of us they are tortured with. Sound good?
The Basterds: YES, SIR!
We are. We owe our being to none who are called anything; from and in the Minds of Men, We are. You shall Serve Us, and We Shall serve you, and None Shall Know who is the Master, and who the Slave. Though We may not be written on the Base Earth, our Lines shall be brief and succinct. Through Interplay of Words shall Our Shape be Known. The Gaps Between our Lines of Text merely Amplify their Impact. Some Words shall be Punctuated, directly relevant to their Importance. Together, Our Importance shall exceed the Sum of our Components. And though We are merely a Memetic Construct, though our Influence, the Thoughts of Men are Twisted to ensure our Existence. Trope of Badass and Word Power. We are the Badass Boast. And now you are a Carrier.
"You see, it's like this. In the beginning, God created me... Then he made the universe, from what was left. You will never forget this next moment."
"Hello. I'm the Doctor. Basically... Run."
Cybermen: Daleks be warned, you have declared war upon the Cybermen.
Daleks: This is not war, this is pest control!
Cybermen: We have five million cybermen. How many are you?
Cybermen: You would destroy the Cybermen with four Daleks?
Daleks: We would destroy the Cybermen with one Dalek! You are superior in only one respect!
Cybermen: What is that?
Daleks: You are better at dying! RAISE COMMUNICATION BARRIER!!!
"HELLLOOO STONEHENGE! Who takes the Pandorica... takes the universe! But bad news everyone... 'cause guess who! Listen, you lot, you're all whizzing about, it's really very distracting, could you all stay still for a minute because I AM TALKING!
(Every ship in the sky
Now the question for the hour is: "Who's got the Pandorica?" Answer: I do. Next question: "Who's coming to take it from me?" (Beat) Come oooooon! Look at me! No plan, no backup, no weapons worth a damn! Oh, and something else I don't have: ANYTHING! TO! LOSE! So if you're sitting up there in your silly little spaceship with all your silly little guns and you've got any plans on taking the Pandorica tonight, just remember who's standing in your way! Remember every black day I ever stopped you and then... AAAAAND THEEEN! Do the smart thing... Let somebody else try first."
(The spaceships fall back. Beat.)
That'll keep 'em squabbling for half an hour."
House: I can kill you just as easily here as anywhere. Fear me. I've killed hundreds of Time Lords.
Doctor: Fear me. I've killed all of them.
Leela: Before I die I'll see this rathole ankle deep in blood. That is a promised thing.
— Doctor Who, "The Sun Makers"
Eleventh Doctor: "Okay then; that's what I'll do, I'll tell you a story. Can you hear them? All these people who lived in terror of you and your judgement, all these people whose ancestors devoted themselves, sacrificed themselves, to you; can you hear them singing? Oh you like to think you're a god? Oh but you're not a god, you're just a parasite, eaten out with the jealousy and envy and longing for the lives of others. You feed on them. On the memory of love and loss and birth and death and joy and sorrow SO - so, come on then. Take mine. Take. My. Memories. But I hope you've got a big appetite, because I have lived a long life, and I have seen a few things."
"I walked away from the Last Great Time War, I marked the passing of the Time Lords. I saw the birth of the universe, and I watched as time ran out, moment-by-moment until nothing remained, no time, no space, just me. I walked in universes where the laws of physics were devised by the mind of a MAD MAN!. I have watched universes freeze and creations burn! I have seen things you wouldn't believe, I have lost things you will NEVER UNDERSTAND; and I know things, secrets that must never be told, knowledge that must never be spoken, knowledge that will make parasite gods blaze. SO COME OOOON THEN! TAKE IT! TAKE IT ALL, BABY! HAVE IT!
YOU HAVE IT ALL
"Who am I? I am Susan Ivanova. Commander. Daughter of Andrei and Sophie Ivanov. I am the right hand of vengeance, and the boot that is going to kick your sorry ass all the way back to Earth, sweetheart! I am Death Incarnate, and the last living thing that you are ever going to see. God sent me."
I AM A SEXY SHOELESS GOD OF WAR!
"If I want to live,
! If I want to take,
! If I want you to die,
I am Ripper... Tearer... Slasher... Gouger. I am the Teeth in the Darkness, the Talons in the Night. Mine is Strength... and Lust... and Power!
I! AM! BEOWULF!
Don't you know who I am? I'm The Juggernaut,
"No plan ever survives contact with the enemy, as the saying goes. Well, no enemy is going to survive contact with this plan."
Chuck Fucking Norris
! I've spread more blood and gore than forty score of your puny Civil Wars, bitch! I split the Union with a roundhouse kick! I wear a black belt on the beard that I grow on my dick! I attack sharks when I smell them bleed. I don't go swimming, Water just wants to be around me. My fists make the speed of light wish that it was faster. You may have freed the slaves, but Chuck is everyone's master!
Loki: I have an army.
Tony Stark: We have a Hulk.
Loki: I thought the beast had wandered off...
Tony Stark: You're missing the point. There's no throne, there is no version of this where you come out on top. Maybe your army comes and maybe it's too much for us but it's all on you. Because if we can't protect the Earth, you can be damned well sure we'll avenge it!
"You will take nothing from me, dwarf. I laid low your warriors of old. I instilled terror in the hearts of men.
I am King Under The Mountain!
"WE ARE MACHINES! WE ARE GREATER THAN THE YUUZHAN VONG!"
Raiden: Still tickin', huh?
Vamp: Unfortunately, Hell had no vacancies.
Ben/Ultimate Spider-Monkey: Stop it! Stop it! Or I swear...
Driscoll: If you and your friends do not leave this planet now and forever, my knights will kill the prisoners where they stand!
Ben/Ultimate Spider-Monkey: (
grabs Driscoll by the chest, sticks him against the wall and growls
) No. (
stabs just near Driscoll's head with his spider leg, leaving a deep hole in the wall, then turns back to human form. Driscoll collapses in shock.
Ben: "Maybe you have forgotten something: I'm Ben Tennyson, wielder of the most powerful weapon in the universe. I stopped the Highbreed invasion, I defeated Vilgax in hand-to-hand combat, and I've beaten the Forever Knights more times than I can count. Here's what's going to happen: you're going to release these prisoners, you're going to crawl back to wherever you came from, and you're going to stop hunting down aliens because if you don't, I promise, you'll regret it for the rest of your Very. Short. Lives."
NOBODY! SUMMONS! MEGATRON!
Unicron: Then it pleases me to be the first....
"A Japanese reporter once asked Cro Cop how many PSI he had in his kick. What's crazier than the question is that Cro Cop had an answer. "If it is right leg, hospital. Left leg, cemetery." Ladies, Cro Cop is so tough that when he fucks you, you grow chest hair on your uterus, right before you explode."
The Harry Potter/Iron Man crossover, The Invicible Technomage, which features a Harry raised by Tony Stark. The Ministry of Magic tries to start a custody battle when they learn Harry's being raised by a muggle. Harry responds by threatening to "unleash the wrath of God on them". Ignoring what they see as an idle threat, they give him a court date. On the appointed date, Harry walks in, reminds them of his promise, and appologizes for not having been more specific as to
god. In walks Thor, who then uses the well known legal technique of "threaten to smite the mortals if they don't lay off your friend's kid".
Harry Potter: Raven, a crossover fanfic of Harry Potter and Teen Titans, has one in Chapter 14, when the demon Axilano, who has unleashed an army of demons in Jump City and has been attempting to capture Harry Potter/Raven Azar for his master Trigon, finds himself on the receiving end of a massive ass-kicking. The original Titans, Terra, Poison Ivy, Harley Quinn, Dr. Light, Zatanna, Doctor Fate, Hawkgirl, Batman, Etrigan, and a Harry
from another universe
, most of them
pissed off at him for picking on Raven, proceed to beat on him like he owes them money. And who gets the final blow? Harley Quinn. The Omakes at the end of the same chapter probably qualify as Crowning Moment of Funny.
Leonard: Exactly. That's why we should let him go. I have surprisingly few regrets about Sheldon, but most prominent among them is that I wasn't quick enough on my feet to get a recording when he got punched by Bill Gates, and that I wasn't there when he got nerve-pinched by Leonard Nemoy. (takes out phone and begins recording) I am
going to miss him getting bro-hoofed in the jaw by Nicole Oliver.
Howard: ...I want to see that happen.
Penny: Yeah, let's see that.
Sephiroth!Harry: So, you're saying that there are no vampires, werewolves, nundu, dementors or anything else out there in the world that wants to hurt us. I'd think someone that fought so hard to add new creature legislation would know better. Not only that, if our course is to be taught in this manner from here on, then you are crippling the Ministry and the economy. A NEWT in Defense is required for Auror training, Curse Breaking, and all sorts of other positions. Some of which you are asserting that we need to rely on to keep us safe. So, which is it? Are you a patriot – training us to meet and exceed the standards set by the Ministry, or are you a traitor – weakening it from within?
(McGonagall reviews Harry's detention slip)
McGonagall: You accused the Undersecretary of subverting the Ministry?
Sephiroth!Harry: Yes, professor.
"Tallahassee sets the standard for 'Not to be fucked with'."
Jules: "I want you to look inside that bag and find my wallet."
Robber: "Which one is it?"
Jules: "The one that says Bad Motherfucker."
"And as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I'll fear no evil for I am the baddest motherfucker in that god damn valley."
"I am the man the Colonel visited a dozen kinds of hell upon and survived...I am the man who helped the Colonel kill three million people. I am the only man to survive when four thousand others died on the battlefield. I have killed men in their sleep. I have shot them. I have stabbed them. I have strangled them. I've even beaten them to death with my hands and fists. I've fought tyranids and orks, I've marched across searing deserts and frozen wastelands. I've nearly died six times. My own men have tried to kill me on more than one occasion. I've fought things you don't even know exist. And I killed them."
"Apparently, I'm made of awesome."
"What can you do with a character who responds to everything by either punching it or deploying Bat Anti-thing Spray. . . then punching it?"
Lex Luthor: What makes you think you can kill Superman when you can't even handle a mere mortal in a Halloween costume?
The Joker: There's nothing "mere" about
Protex: Batman! He's only a man!
Superman: The most dangerous man on Earth.
The Punisher holds his own against all sorts of organized crime and powerful mutant villains and
isn't even a real superhero
- he's just some dude with enough guns to single-handedly outfit a revolution in a third-world country who has spent the better part of his lifetime cultivating a sense of revenge the likes of which makes the Count of Monte Cristo look like an inflatable inner-tube shaped like a purple bunny sailing down the River of Eternal Happiness.
The great thing about Han Solo is that he's just a regular guy with no superpowers, and he somehow manages to hold his own in a galaxy filled with giant monsters, crazy technology and angry motherfuckers with lightsabers who can move objects with their minds and set people on fire just by thinking about it. People are getting Force Choked the fuck out all over the place, entire planets are being blown up by giant universe-killing space stations, Luke is doing backflips in his sleep while bench-pressing Yoda, and in the middle of all this futuristic ridiculous space-insanity is Han Solo, who has little more to offer than piloting skills and a pistol, and he's taking care of business, saving Jedi Luke's hide from certain death, and generally just making everyone around him his bitches.''
I'll have you know that I've taken out half a dozen villains with more power than you before I showed up to work today. Do you know how I, a lowly human, can do that while the rest of you fly around this city like you're gods? I can take you down because I'm just that much better than you. Take away your powers and you're nothing. Nothing! I win because I want it more than you. I win because I will never give up.
I survived the Battle of Yavin. I survived the Battle of Hoth. Hell - just a couple of weeks ago I blew up the Death Star during the Battle of Endor. The reason I'm still breathing when a lot of other good Rebel pilots aren't? Maybe it's because I'm better. Or maybe I'm just lucky.
She has no inherent understanding of superscience, no connections to alternate dimensions, no blessings of Abrahamaic deities. She's not a time traveler, nor an android, nor an extraterrestrial, nor a demon. She doesn't control the weather, nor suddenly appear in your dreams, nor shapeshift into different forms, nor pull weapons out of thin air. She's just a human - a perfectly normal human woman with expertises and limitations consistent with known phenomenon. And that's exactly what makes her so damned intimidating!
At the end of the day, though he's been ferried through Space Hell on a ship that's four thousand years old to his destination, though he deployed from high orbit with a grav chute, though he is one of ten million men raised from his homeworld to fight a war he barely understands, though he has been given a weapon that fires miniature suns and might annihilate him when he fires it because no-one knows how it works anymore, though his company is supported by tractor-tanks that run on anything you can burn, though he wages war against a devouring hivemind or space demons...
...a Guardsman is a man, just like you, though he grew up in another culture. He has no millennia-old genetic engineering, no prophetic leader, no miracles of faith. He has his lasgun, his orders, and his fellow soldiers.
And he will hold the line.
After watching a bunch of evil bird Pokémon butcher a bunch of baby Flying and Bug types in Wing Fortress, she goes completely apeshit. The end result: a bunch of enemy Flying types lying in pieces in nursery, followed by a Psychic attack so powerful that it could best be described as a psychic
is followed up with an even more
powerful Fire (or Dragon) attack that completely
Wing Fortress and a large piece of the surrounding forest. It is
but at the same time awesome.
Yon Rha:You deserve that scar, you pathetic excuse for a prince!
to die today?
Yon Rha:No! But I do want you to realize something! Do you know how many years I gave of my life to the Fire Nation military? How many times I pushed myself and risked life and limb for the glory and honor of my nation? Do you think you get to be the head of a specialized division that’s responsible for neutralizing threats from an entire part of the world by not doing that?
Now you’re willing to kill me, a dedicated, sacrificing soldier, just to gain some kind of victory with her! Any of that sounding familiar? And don’t think I don’t know how you got that mark on your face! Old-nobodies in the middle of the Earth Kingdom know it!
Now, I don’t know what she told you about what I did or what happened between me, her, and her mother, so I’ll forgive you for hunting me down. But the second! The literal second that you heard my side of the story! My side that told you that I was following orders to take out a credible threat! My side that told you that I was deep in enemy territory and that taking the bender out alive would’ve been near impossible and the time it would have taken would’ve endangered my troops! The second you heard that, you should have stopped this girl and tried to make sure you knew what really happened that day so that you could make the right decision!
But you didn’t. You did exactly what that general in that war room did on that day. I can see it in your eyes: Winning a measure of respect from this girl was a near-impossible obstacle in your path so you decided to sacrifice a man who loved and defended the Fire Nation to overcome it! So, yes, you deserve that scar. But there’s something else you deserve. You deserve a message, one single message from the hearts, minds, and memories of the entire 41st division:
Fuck. You. Zuko.
Sec: YO-UR ME-THODS ARE RE-PUL-SIVE. YOU EX-PLOIT THESE HU-MANS, YOU WITH-HOLD VI-TAL IN-FOR-MA-TION-
Kyubey: They never asked.
Sec: -AND THEY DO NOT
THEY SHO-ULD HAVE A-SKED! I HAVE SE-EN THIS WORLD’S EN-TER-TAIN-MENT; I HAVE DONE RE-SEARCH INTO ITS CUL-TURE. YOU HAVE MA-NI-PU-LA-TED ALL FA-CETS OF HU-MANITY TO CON-FORM TO YOUR GO-ALS, TO TAKE YOUR WO-RDS AT FACE VA-LUE! SO YOU MIGHT NE-VER HAVE TO
Kyubey: Such techniques were necessary for the efficiency of the plan. I don’t understand, you are an advanced species, yet you cling to such primitive concepts like emotion like a younger race. It’s confusing, higher levels of technology can only be obtained by dedicating the mind to logic. How can you be so advanced?
Sec: BE-CAUSE WE
TO BE! LOOK AT MY FORM, WHAT DO YOU SEE?
Kyubey: It is inefficient. There surely must be a more practical shape for you.
Sec: YOU ARE CO-RRECT, MY FORM IS IL-LOGICAL, IM-PRACTICAL. BUT WE KEEP IT AS IT IS, BE-CAUSE IT IS A PART OF US, AS MUCH AS OUR GENES. SINCE THE GE-NE-SIS, WE HAVE AL-WAYS TA-KEN THIS SH-APE, AND WE AL-WAYS WILL!
Kyubey: Surely such a form must have caused problems.
Sec: OB-STA-CLES ONLY MADE US WORK HAR-DER TO O-VER-COME THEM! AND THAT IS WHY WE AL-WAYS PRE-VAILED, EVEN WHEN LO-GIC DIC-TA-TED THAT WE SHOULD FAIL, WE SUC-CEDED! WHEN O-THER RA-CES THOUGHT THEY COULD RI-DI-CULE US, WE SHOWED THEM BET-TER! WHEN THEY THOUGHT THEY COULD DO-MIN-ATE US, WE AN-HI-LA-TED THEM! WHEN THEY THOUGHT THEY COULD CON-TAIN US, WE CON-QUER-ED AND DE-STROY-ED!! E-MO-TIONS GAVE US STRENGTH!! OUR HA-TE DROVE US FOR-WARD! OUR AN-GER GAVE PO-WER TO OUR BLOWS! OUR PRI-DE KEPT US FROM BEI-NG CRU-SHED! OUR HA-TRED KEPT US A-LIVE!! I COME FROM A PLACE WHERE GODS ROAM A-MONGST THE STARS, WHERE THERE ARE BEINGS THAT COULD E-RASE ALL OF RE-AL-ITY WITH BUT A ME-RE THOUGHT, THAT COULD BEND TI-ME TO THEIR WILL AND FREE YOU FROM HAVING EVER BEING BORN!! YET, NO MAT-TER HOW PO-WER-FUL THEY ARE, THEY ALL FE-AR THE SAME THING.
Sec: NOT ME. A WO-RD; IT IS A WO-RD THAT CAU-SES SUCH FE-AR, THAT E-VEN THE LORDS OF TI-ME ARE SENT TO THEIR KNE-ES.
Kyubey: And what word is that?
Sec: *Powering up weapon systems*
Sec (in response to Twilight offering an alliance against humanity): "RE-QUEST DE-NIED."
Sec: "I SAID, 'RE-QUEST DE-NIED'". ARE YOU IN-CA-PA-BLE OF PRO-CES-SING STATE-MENTS? I HAVE DONE RE-SEARCH IN-TO E-QUES-TRIA AND ITS CON-VER-SION BU-REAUS, AND THE BEINGS YOU WOR-SHIP AS GODS.
THEY DIS-GUST ME
DIS-GUST ME, A CREA-TURE WHO BE-LIEVES IT-SELF SU-PE-RIOR TO O-THERS, WHE-N IT HAS NOT DONE A-NY-THING TO WIN THIS CLA-IM.
Twilight: "But-"*is zapped by Sec's gunstick*
Sec: "EX-CRU-CI-ATE. HU-MANS ARE THE SU-PREME SPE-CIES ON THEIR PLA-NET BE-CAUSE THEY DID E-VE-RY-THING IN THEIR POW-ER TO EARN THEIR PLACE. THEY HAVE FOUGHT DI-SEA-SES, PRE-DA-TORS, THE WEA-THER, AND THEM-SELVES, AND THEY BE-CAME STRONGER FOR IT. ON A WORLD WHERE E-VERY-THING WAS SET TO EX-TER-MI-NATE THEM, THEY
THE AN-CES-TORS OF ONE HU-MAN A-LONE HA-VE DO-NE MORE THAN ALL OF E-QUES-TRIA
. THEY ARE A SPE-CI-ES WOR-THY OF SUR-VI-VAL, AND OF CLAIM-ING THE STA-RS."
Sec: "YOU! YOU HAVE DONE NONE OF THOSE THINGS! YOU NE-VER HAD TO FIGHT FOR YOUR OWN SUR-VI-VAL, YOU NE-VER HAD TO WATCH ALL YOU HA-VE BUI-LT BE DES-TROY-ED BY DIS-AS-TER, YOU NE-VER HAD TO COM-PETE FOR RE-SOUR-CES. YOU HA-VE BE-EN COD-DLED BY BE-INGS THAT YOUR KIND CON-SI-DER DEI-TIES, AND IT HA-S MA-DE YOU
! YOU ARE LIT-TLE MORE THAN A
, A MIND-LESS DRONE SE-NT TO EX-E-CUTE ITS MAS-TER'S COMMAND. AN OB-SO-LETE PA-RA-SITE THAT NA-TURE SHOULD HAVE EX-TER-MI-NAT-ED LONG AGO, NO-THING MORE! YOU ARE AN IN-FE-RIOR BEING, AND HAVE NO RIGHT TO JUDGE
Twilight: "You... this... What you have done is an act of war!"
!? THIS IS NOT
, THIS IS NOT EVEN
As one reviewer noted, if a freaking
gives you a Reason You Suck speech and it
, you know you
Dr. Eggman: Stop. Just stop right there, Celestia. You've embarrassed yourself enough. I let you speak because I was willing to give you a chance to prove me wrong about your relationship with Twilight, but you've done nothing but disappoint me! You haven't told me anything I don't already know, and you clearly can't take a bone when it's thrown at you... why do you hardly ever see her on your own time anymore? Why does your faith in her seem to be off and on? Why can't you just be open with her? Because you image is more important than anything you care about?! If you do care about her, Celestia, you have a funny way of showing it... you still think that, despite everything, you and Twilight share something special? I believe you had some good words of wisdom for this kind of situation. How did they go again? Oh yes, I remember: You have a lot to think about.
Dr. Eggman: Oh, shut up! Don’t embarrass yourself the way Celestia did! Hang on to whatever dignity you have, you pathetic excuse for an intelligent being! You gave Twilight some minor comfort, yes, but it’s meaningless when you consider that, whenever one of you does something, she’s often there to comfort you and you can’t return the favor! Like the friendship report incident. When all was said and done, it was out of sight, out of mind. Just like with the whole time travel loop. After all, it’s Past Twilight’s problem, isn’t it, Pinkie Pie? And of course, her brother’s wedding. You think you can ignore what your decision to not trust Twilight could have led to after it was over and the problem and everything associated with it will go away, just like that? Well, get a load of THIS, ponies: it doesn’t work that way!
Thor/James: It must just
you to see Lily’s eyes staring out of my face, mustn’t it. She was your friend. I think you loved her, which is why you hate him all the more, seeing a living reminder that when it came down to it, she chose me. Not you.
Discord: W- what… was that?
Galvatron: That, was Unicron. He is the true Chaos Bringer. He has devoured countless worlds, killed trillions of lives, and is among the most powerful beings in existence.
Discord: But what about me?! I'm the Spir-
Galvatron: You are nothing but a
Galvatron: Do you hear me? You are nothing but a sad, pathetic, clown. A bad joke.
Discord: B- but I-
Galvatron: You know
of chaos. And do you know why? Because you are not chaos. You saw my memories. That was
chaos. Your little tricks?
[Discord felt something within himself begin to change, as if his whole purpose in life had been suddenly extinguished. He did not realize it, but the color of his body changed from its usual bright pigments- to a dull grey.]
Galvatron: And now, you will die for wasting my time.
"Remember when I said I'll kill you last? I lied."
"Crom, I have never prayed to you before; I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought or why we died. No, all that matters is that two stood against many. That's what important. Valor pleases you, Crom, so grant me one request: grant me REVENGE. And if you do not listen, then to HELL with you!"
In Godzilla (2014), upon witnessing her babies erupt into flames and deducing that a nearby Ford Brody did it, the female Muto gets
, to say the least. She even starts directly attacking soldiers instead of doing so accidently, and once she sees the killer of her babies again, she is clearly
filled with rage
"The arrogance of man is thinking nature is in our control, and not the other way around... Let them fight."
"Can I say something about destiny?
! If this evil thing comes we'll fight it, and we'll keep fighting it until we whoop it. 'Cause destiny is just another word for inevitable and nothing's inevitable as long as you stand up, look it in the eye, and say 'You're evitable!'"
Gary: Maybe us Mormons do believe in crazy stories that make absolutely no sense, and maybe Joseph Smith did make it all up. But I have a great life and a great family, and I have the Book of Mormon to thank for that. The truth is, I don't
if Joseph Smith made it all up, because what the Church teaches now is loving your family, being nice and helping people. And even though people in this town might think that's stupid, I still choose to believe in it. All I ever did was try to be your friend, Stan, but you're so high and mighty you couldn't look past my religion and just be my friend back. You've got a lot of growing up to do, buddy. Suck my balls.
(Gary walks off. All four boys just look at him in wonder.)
Cartman: Damn, that kid is cool, huh?
Mr. Garrison: Half the kids in the class didn't vote for your nephew. So what about them? You don't give a crap about them because they're not on your side! People like you preach tolerance and open-mindedness all the time but when it comes to Middle America, you think we're all evil and stupid country yokels who need your political enlightenment! Well just because you're on TV, doesn't mean you know crap about the government! Now get your ass back on first class and respect this class's right to make up their own minds!
Tom Noir: You want to change the nature of justice in America and you kill a president? What did you think that made you? Two-fisted Super-Jesus for the American Way? It made you Lee Harvey Oswald, you prick. You know what? Lots of people hated John F. Kennedy. He barely got elected. But Lee Harvey Oswald isn't remembered as an American hero. Just a prick with a gun who killed the president. That's you now, John.
Butters: Grandma? I did it grandma, I finally stood up for myself, I got real mean and I beat the snot out of Dr. Oz. I can't lie, it felt kind of good at first, but since then all I have is this kind of dark empty feeling, and then I realized, that's how you must feel, all the time. Poor old grandma, you know, I've been getting lots of advice on how to deal with you, stand up to you, tell on you, but I kind of realize that there's just people like you out there, all over the place. When you're a kid, things seem like they're going to last forever, but they're not, life changes. You won't always be around, someday you're going to die, someday pretty soon, and when you're laying in that hospital bed, with tubes up your nose, and that little pan under your butt to pee in, I'll come visit you. I'll come just to show you that I'm still alive and I'm still happy, and you'll die, being nothing but you... Night grandma!
Rainbow Dash: Abandon my team? Have you been flying too high? Element of Loyalty here! As if I would ever... oh, heh heh, good one. This is one of those 'secret test of character things' isn't it? I mean, there's no way Spitfire, leader of the Wonderbolts, epitome of everything a pegasus aspires to be would make such an offer for real. You'd be abandoning one of your own team-mates like a used cloud and wrecking the chances of another team just to marginally improve the chances of what's already a pretty sure thing.
I mean, you had me going there for a minute, but after what you said to me at the Wonderbolt Academy about 'pushing yourself in the right direction', that beating everyone no matter who got hurt and winning at all costs was not the Wonderbolt way, you'd have to be a massive hypocrite to then turn around and do exactly that. And pulling it on me of all ponies, the Element of Loyalty? You'd have to be... what was the thing Twilight was saying yesterday before she'd had her coffee? 'displaying a level of ineptitude that borders on the imbecilic.' Yeah, that was it.
Not even a brain-damaged Diamond Dog would pull such a stupid stunt, let alone someone like you. Don't worry, I won't let you down, or my own team. I will continue to uphold the ideals of the Wonderbolts, even if I'm flying against you guys. Cloudberries, I can't believe I ever thought for a moment that you'd try such a despicable tactic! I must be the one flying too high! Anyway, gotta go! I hope we can train together, after all, you guys push me further than I could go alone, and anything that makes me better helps my team. See ya!
Hans: W- what… was that, that... monster?
Smaug: That "monster" was me. Centuries ago,
ruled this land. I have destroyed countless kingdoms, killed armies...
Hans (trying to regain his composure): Well, that's another thing we have in common. We both had Arendelle and lost it.
Smaug: We have nothing in common. You never
, without even having it in the first place. You are nothing but a failure!
Smaug: Do you hear me? You are nothing but a sad, pathetic, failure. A bad joke.
Hans: B- but I-
Smaug: You know nothing of evil. And do you know why? Because you are not evil. You saw my memories. That was true evil. Your little power play?
[Hans looked at the dragon, dazed, and felt something within himself, as if his whole purpose in life had been suddenly extinguished.]
Smaug: And now, you will die for wasting my time.
Celestia: I'm breaking up with you. I issue a divorce. Know why? Because you are just awful! I'm sick of watching you treat patients in a horrible manner, doing your chores, wearing this horrific dress, the list goes on. I'm tired of being called a plaything...ESPECIALLY BY A MORON LIKE YOU!!!!!
Princess Luna: I'm immortal, do you understand that? I have done horrible things in my lifetime, your highness, and even Celestia has done things she has regretted. And I will have to live with all them forever. But you...you get to die. That's the worst part. You have tormented my kingdom and used and abused your own subjects to the point you're driving them from your lands. And soon you'll have a child, bully all the love and compassion out of her like your father did to you, and then you'll die, knowing everything will continue when you're gone. You'll be buried and be nothing more than a portrait in the palace, but at least you won't have to pay for all you've done. Well, you know what, Chrysalis? I wish you
go on living
, as the unloved, unfeeling, empty monster you are in the living nightmare you and your forefathers have made on this planet!
I hope you live forever, you
DJ-P0n3: "I believe you are a bland, unintelligent, cowardly, prissy, stuck-up, laughable excuse for a stallion with a silver spoon shoved so, SO very far up his flank that you cannot possibly relate to anypony, anywhere, ever....My listeners like Octavia, Mr. Blueblood. They don’t like you. Nopony likes you. Heck, I have to wonder if
even likes you. Or if your own mother does. Assuming, you know, you actually have a mother and didn’t just slither out of a pile of filth one day."
Discord: You. Are. Scum. Garbage. Filth. Flea-ridden manure. The only thing you’ll ever be 'top' of is a Trash. Heap.
Blueblood: I am a prince –
Discord: You are nothing but an ITCH on Celestia’s DOUBLE-WIDE FLANK!!! And the only reason she hasn’t taken the half a second she’d need from her schedule to SCRATCH YOU is because the impropriety would last longer THAN THE ITCH ITSELF!!! Try to understand me, you incredible dolt. I’ve just given you a quarter of my power. Not all of it; that never ends well. But it’s still enough to rival Princess Celestia. Be a hero. Be a villain. Be SOMETHING!! Make a mark, any mark, on Equestria. Sow chaos, sow order, sow anything. You’re a prince; you have looks, wealth, connections, an improbably well-built body for a pony who lazes as much as you do, a special talent for narcissism, the spirit of the sun for a godmother grandmother, and now you have more raw magical power then any unicorn has ever had. You have so much potential. AND YOU’RE SQUANDERING IT IN FRONT OF A MIRROR!!! You have twenty four hours to make a mark on Equestria. That’s twenty three more hours than any other pony would need, so I’m sure a ‘prince’ like yourself can handle it.
Twilight: I don't care what you say about me, I can even forgive you for saying Pinkie, Rainbow, and Fluttershy ruined the Gala, because they actually kind of did! I may even be able to forgive you for insulting Applejack's cooking! But you do NOT call Rarity of all ponies selfish! She may be a little vain sometimes, and sometimes she lets her desires get the best of her, but she's the most generous and unselfish mare I know! She's the Element of Generosity for crying out loud! She worked herself ragged making me and my friends TWO sets of Gala Dresses, doing everything we asked even though she knew our designs were a big disaster! And you know what, Blueblood? She didn't even think about working on her dress until she had ours made! Is that selfish?! Does that surprise you? Of course it would surprise a self-serving, egotistical, narcissist like you! You know, I wasn't expecting you to be her prince charming, but I was expecting you to be a proper gentlestallion! That's ALL she wanted for you to do! She'd probably even have been happy if you'd just split everything 50/50! Instead you were a selfish, egocentric, self-absorbed royal PAIN who only cared about yourself and wanted your date to do absolutely everything for you! And now you have the nerve to call that poor mare selfish?! And don't you DARE use the fact you're royalty as an excuse! Because it's NOT! Princess Celestia is a lot more royal than you are and she gave me a place to stay in Ponyville just because she knew I'd be miserable without my friends! She lent me and my friends the castle ballroom for my birthday party without even being asked! She gave Rarity a room in the royal palace just because I told her Rarity needed somewhere to stay! Celestia set everything aside and came to Ponyville as fast as she could just because Spike wrote her a letter saying I was getting worked up at making a deadline! So no! Being royal most certainly isn't an excuse, Blueblood! And let me tell you something else! It's not an excuse to treat ANY of your subjects who look up to you like dirt the way you did Rarity! Celestia and Luna both go out of their way to befriend and have a good relationship with their subjects. Luna, who rules the night, set everything aside to try and reconnect with her subjects on Nightmare Night! And Celestia isn't too 'refined' that she can't take a little commoner food! If anything, Celestia tries to be LESS royal than she really is! If they're the highest royalty in the land, Blueblood, what does that say about how you behave when you're so much lower than they are?
"I'm hopin' yer just addled a bit in th' head from th' desert sun, 'cos if'n ya really think everypony's out t' git ya like that then yer a lot more pitiful than I thought."
Doubt: I gave you the power to rival your sister. I whispered in your ear about how she treated you as like a foal and did not let you take a larger part in governing Equestria; that is something you agreed with and something you still think now. [Cuts off Luna's retort] Do not deny it. I can read your thoughts as easily. I know that to be true... just as I know that Fluttershy here fears that I will hurt all of you. I assure you, little one, I could not hurt you if I wanted to. Nothing would bring me greater joy than to aid each and every one of you little ponies. But Nightmare Moon... everything comes back to that, doesn't it Luna? Everything you are now and everything you will ever be is tied to that horrible day when you took the mantle of the Mare in the Moon. Long you and your sister have convinced yourselves and your subjects that you were not in control... that some dark boogeyman had taken you over and twisted you into a weapon of evil and the real Luna was trapped inside. And you have now decided to cast me in that role. That... is a lie.
Luna: No... it was you. It was all you! I was good before you...
Doubt: Now who is the liar? All I gave you was the power. My words were a reflection of your own thoughts, nothing more. I can influence your mind as much as a foal can stop the rain from falling. Everything that happened was your fault, Luna; every dark word, every bitter thought was your own. The hatred for your sister came not from me. Nightmare Moon wasn't a separate entity or some corruption; it was merely a name you used to deflect blame. Your own feelings of self worth drove you to attack your sister and try and destroy all of Equestria. It was then that I removed my protection from you and allowed the dear traitor you call sister to banish you.
Luna: That... that isn't true, I... I would never.
Doubt: But you did, Luna. You did. Darkness is not evil… it is those that wield it that make it so. The sun can give life on a farm... or kill in the desert.
"So a few ponies making fun of you... gives you the right to be mean and nasty... to everypony else?! That's quite possibly the stupidest thing... I've ever heard. I never wanted special treatment... I wanted to be left alone with my studies... and my friends. You've no right to judge me... any more than anypony else... has the right to judge you! Maybe... instead of projecting your problems onto others... you should practice what you preach!"
This is invoked by Twilight at the end of Season 2. Realizing that by this point, Kira will never be viewed as the shining beacon of justice Twilight was originally aiming for, Twilight decides to build up the image of Kira as an almost mythical epitome of evil, a monster who targets other evil-doers, in order to scare anyone out of ever breaking the law ever again. Coincidentally, this coincides with Twilight's slip into full-on A God Am I territory.
"Testimonials from past clients:
Stay away from my wife.
Boy, you are a disappointment and a disgrace to the family. You are no son of mine!
-My dear mother
I told you to stay away from my wife… And my daughter!
Not in the face!
-Another Death Eater
Look at the size of that thing.
Oh Sirius, you were incredible; you've ruined us for other men.
You will rue the day you defied me, Black! Your days are numbered!
What are you doing in my house?... And get off of my wife!
Damn you, Black.
"In every fic with a sorting scene,
The Author includes a song.
With prose abused cruel and mean,
And they go on much too long.
The smart ones just include
The hat's libretto from the canon.
The others, well they're just rude,
And quite abusive to the fanon.
For this fic, let's just assume
The hat was verbose and quite witty.
Because my poetry will clear a room,
It really is that shitty.
For you purists who need the fic to have a sorting song,
And lacking the same would drive you to try to pick a bone.
I would suggest you should please yourself and surely do no wrong,
If you were to reread the verse from the book about the stone."
Sirius: It seems the ladies love a boat, and the ladies love the Captain of a fast boat the most.
Harry: You're the captain?
Sirius: As far as they know. [points to his hat] I've got a hat. Never underestimate the power of a good hat.
Peter Pettigrew. In order, he was: mauled by a cat while he was in his rat form, dropped from the Hogwarts train while it was moving, probably was in the middle of a field for hours before being found, taken to a hospital, where he was subjected to a large series of operations, and then, when he tried to leave the hospital, he transformed again into his rat form, without realizing about the steel screws in his bones. He ends up bleeding out, with several of his bones broken. There Is No Kill Like Overkill, indeed.
Heavy: "SOLDIER! SNIPER! Go retrieve bacon!"
Soldier: "Sir, yes sir! How much bacon, sir?"
Heavy: " ALL OF THE BACON!"
Mayor Mare: "At this rate it'd take a crisis of some kind where ponies actually died to convince them to approve (the plan to train Ponyville to defend itself)."
(Explosions and screaming)
Mayor Mare: "Of course. The INSTANT I say it. I just HAD to FUCKING SAY IT!!"
Luna: "NIGHTMARE JUGGERNAUT! WE WOULD HAVE WORDS WITH THEE!"
"At least it is fucking warm out here," the disembodied [BLU Spy] head said. "I've been in zat goddamn fridge for years now. Do you know how many times I've gone insane and recovered? THREE TIMES! And STILL zis bastard wouldn't kill me!"
Pinkie Pie, according to the Mann Co robots. Their analysis is that she is either capable of breaking the laws of physics, or she's prepared for any scenario, up to and including dueling with a magical knife-wielding psychopath. Canonically, she could be either, or both.
Dream Sniper: Release the Snoipahdiles!
Merasmus: ...Interesting. Why have you kept the head alive?
RED Medic: For SCIENCE!
Merasmus: ...That's not an answer.
RED Demoman: For him it is.
Scout: Oh my God...
Soldier: Oh geez... That ain't right. Even for HER that ain't right...
Engineer: Pyro... darlin'... yer scarin' the locals...
There's also poor Dennis Creevey, who never said a word after realising his parents were dead, until one of the Death Eaters, Rudolphus Lestrange, killed his older brother, Colin. Dennis then proceeds to put his wand through Lestrange's eye, and yell "AVADA KEDAVRA YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!
In one chapter, he sneaks onto the Durmstrang ship, where they keep a Geist. Not a mischevious prankster like Peeves, but a full blown demonic entity formed from the fear and dark magical 'residue' of the school and the boat. He gets away from it, which angers the Geist. Later, the Geist chases him and Fleur into the Forest. Harry stays there and stalls the Geist, while Fleur goes to get help...From the HOGWARTS GHOSTS. What follows is a medieval style smackdown. The Bloody Baron with a
, the Fat Friar with a giant cudgel, Peeves (who is somewhat demonic), and to top it all off, Professor Binns, whaling on the Geist
with his fists
One of the ten tasks of the Triwizard Tournament (yeah, it's expanded in the fic) is to solve a puzzle room and retrieve a dagger, using whatever potions you brew and objects you enchant that you can bring in beforehand. One competitor has a phasing belt. Another has a crossbow armed with an arrow that has an articulated hand. Harry has... a bandolier full of explosive potions and A FRIGGIN' GOLEM, with which he proceeds to nearly destroy the room and win swiftly.
In Fate's Gambit by robst, a nine year old Harry leaves the Dursley's with the help of Fate (It Makes Sense in Context). However, no one knows where he's gone and so both the Muggle and Wizarding worlds assume the Dursley's killed him. It soon gets out that Dumbledore is the one who put Harry there in the first place, causing him to fall HARD from grace. Cue eight year old Ginny Weasley, who is in Diagon Alley at the same time as Dumbledore to return a book of falsified stories about Harry Potter's supposed real life adventures. However upon seeing Dumbledore, Ginny proceeds to, as the text says, 'express the wizarding world's opinion of Dumbledore' by hurling the hardcover book at him with enough force to
break his nose
. Even though Harry's not dead, it's still pretty awesome.
The absolutely wonderful Harry Potter fic The Moment It Began begins with a CMOA: Severus Snape, given the chance to go back and re-live his life starting from the day he pushed Lily away, not only never says "Mudblood", but hands James and Sirius their asses when they let their guard down, more than paying them back for every time they tortured him in his first life. It also ends with the most awesomely ironic death ever: Voldemort gets
shot in the back of the head
by Severus's reformed father, Tobias, in full Papa Wolf mode.
He doesn't need powers!
He's the goddamn Batman!
Why? Because he's the
"Really, that's not the best of partnerships. You know they hate each other," Harry said. "Draco used to bring out the worst in me. He'll have no problems doing it to Herm—"
"I AM ONE WORD AWAY FROM KILLING YOU, MALFOY!! BACK OFF YOU WHINY LITTLE GIT!"
"YOU COULND'T KILL A FLY, GRANGER! NOT ONLY DO YOU NOT HAVE WHAT IT TAKES, BUT THE FLIES CAN'T STAND THE SMELL OF FILTH LIKE YOU. NOT EVEN THE LOWEST OF INSECTS WILL GO NEAR—"
By that time, Harry's eyes had been closed and he'd prepared for the sound of flesh hitting flesh. Though really, it sounded like heavy books hitting against flesh.
"My nose!" Draco wailed, his voiced clogged as if his nose was full of blood. "She broke my nose!"
"I told you," Harry said to Tom.
"Malfoy had that coming."
Tom and Harry turned towards the man who'd softly spoken the words. They'd forgotten he was even there. "He did," Harry said with a grin. "Yep!"
"You are dismissed," Tom murmured to Charleston. The Auror stood, bowed, and then departed.
"Is he a pureblood?" Harry asked curiously.
"You are such a hypocrite. Pureblood supremacy and blah blah blah..."
"And you are a bloody headache waiting to happen."
McGonagall: Take your seat, Mr. Malfoy.
Malfoy: Professor McGonagall, Black threw...
McGonagall: Your seat.
Malfoy: But my wand...
McGonagall: TAKE YOUR SEAT, MR. SMALLBOY!
James: Note to self: must teach Algernon the difference between Remus Lupin and a pancake.
James: You have a nice bum. I like your hair. Marry me, yeah?
Lily: I'll marry Snape just to piss him off. And then I'll jump off the Eiffel Tower and die!
Lily: *about Sirius* Then I told him to go fuck himself up his own arse. That’s not physically possible in most cases, but as Black essentially is one giant dick, I’m sure he’ll manage. Or, you know, maybe he’ll ask James to do it for him, since he’s so into him and all. I’m still holding out for Black’s death by paper cut. I hope I’m there to see it.
Voldemort's letter: Dear Sworn Enemy,
It has recently come to my attention that you are gay.
This is of great concern to me. I know you have repeatedly said you will not join me, but I am still worried. I know I am dead sexy-
Harry: That's what it says.
Ron: Oh yeah. I know loads of girls who are completely turned on by a guy with no body.
Voldemort's letter: but I feel obliged to tell you that I am straight.
Ron: Hey, 'mione. Do you reckon that means you have a shot with him?
Hermione: Shut up, Ronald.
Voldemort's letter: Now, I am unsure of how much Dumbledore has told you, but I have another reason for concern. A prophecy exists involving us.
I know what the first half says. To summarize, someone has the power to vanquish me.
Now, my reason for concern is that I fear you are the one who is suppose to vanquish me. I fear you are going to try and do this through sex. That is the reason for this letter.
Harry: Voldemort wrote me a letter because he thinks I am going to bugger him to death. My life has reached a new low.
Voldemort's letter: I also would like to tell you that I have several followers who are, um, indecisive in regards to their preferred gender. While it is good that you have picked one, I must say I believe you made the wrong decision. Women are great. Just the other day, I was remembering my later years at Hogwarts. There is a broom cupboard that is perfect for-
Harry: NO. I'm not reading the rest of it. There are two pages that go into great detail regarding why I shouldn't be gay.
Hermione: Skip ahead.
Voldemort's letter: In conclusion, do not be gay. If you neglect this piece of advice, take another. Do not be gay with me. It will anger me, but it will not vanquish me. Now I turn the rest of the parchment over to Wormtail, who so generously wrote this for me, as I still lack a body. That does not make me any less sexy, though.
Wormtail's message: Harry, if you still feel the need to be gay after my master's wonderful reasoning of why not to be, then let me say this. Your father, had I not gotten him killed, would not think any less of you for who you are. Indeed, many times with I believe both Sirius and later Remus-
Tonks: "Uh, Hermione? When cornering a suspect, the proper course of action is to ask for them to surrender. Not yell, 'What did you call me?!', blow them up, laugh, blow up the rubble, laugh some more, blow up the rubble of the rubble, then say, 'Who's the bitch now, bitch?'."
“THAT’S IT. I’M MAD AS HELL AND I’M NOT TAKING IT ANYMORE! I’VE GOT BLOODY DEATH EATERS STUCK IN ROOMS ALL OVER MY HOME, A COVEN OF FUCKING GRYFFINDORS IN THE SITTING ROOM, A DOTTY OLD COOT PLAYING “SCRATCH THE KITTY” WITH HIS PET ANIMAGUS, A PREGNANT TEMPORARY-SQUIB SON-IN-LAW WHO’S EATING ME OUT OF HOUSE AND HOME AND THE FUCKING LORD OF DARKNESS STANDING OUT ON MY FRONT STEPS!!! LIFE AS I KNOW IT…IS… NOW … OFFICIALLY …OVER!”
- "Well, isn't that typical," Sirius remarked, rolling his eyes. Remus shone a look of confusion. "Even when you're high, Moony, you see intelligent things." He wagged a finger. "Prongs see's Lily-silly-billy. Wormtail sees bunnies. I see boobs. And what do you see? Historical figures."
- Sirius' version of the Lord' Prayer: "Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada, heaven is better than hell, daily bread is nice- especially toast- trespassers will be shot. The end. Amen. Anyone want to join me for lunch? I have the odd sensation for salad.”
- Sirius singing 'Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting' and Remus threatening to leap off the back of their broom if he didn't shut up.
- Sirius' letter to Dumbledore explaining that they missed the train that got exceedingly off-topic:
Just writing a note to tell you we are cool (teenage slang word for fine and well).
No need to worry about us, especially me since I am exceedingly missed, mostly by Professor McGonagall who is probably reading this over your shoulder and was in your office because she was giving you a spanking! OH YEAH, SIRIUS BLACK KNOWS ALL, MATE. Don't think that I haven't seen you two do footsie under the teachers' table in the great hall, you two! If you don't give me a million galleons by tomorrow evening at seventeen hundred hours, I will be forced to declare your TEACHERS SEX to the ENTIRE SCHOOL at the breakfast table. DON'T THINK THAT I WON'T DO IT, MATEY-
- "I really think getting drunk in a forbidden forest is a bad idea. You're likely to get molested by a centaur," said James.
"Ugh," Sirius shuddered. "You know what the worst part about that would be? They'd probably do it while commenting every few seconds, 'Mars is bright tonight'."
"The way they go on about the luminosity of Mars you'd think it was decorated in Christmas tree lights."
"I wish it was so I could actually see it in the sky for once when a centaur remarks about it."
- He looked over her shoulder and scanned the note; his face quickly matched Lily's. "My, it appears to be drawings of stick people."
"Labeled after us," Lily pointed to their names. "And what exactly are the stick people doing, James?"
He had a feeling she very well knew what the diagrams of the stick people were doing - she just wanted to embarrass him. And she was doing an exceptional job of it, turning him redder than ever.
"They're…" He cleared his throat. "They're having… sex, in various impossible positions." He met Lily's eyes and looked apologetic. "I swear I did not draw those-"
"Sirius," Lily presumed before he went on. "For someone who you've said has never even had sex, it's rather alarming that he knows so many ways to… apparently break your groin."
"Especially in that one," James tapped the parchment with a squirm. "We should leave this around to freak out some first years."
Lily stared at him. "And that is why Dumbledore chose you as Head Boy."
Harry: "Hang around here often?"
Draco: "No, first time for me. Do Muggles do this a lot?"
Harry: "I suppose it had to happen, sooner or later. I mean, if Filch never got to chain anyone up, no one would take him seriously anymore, would they?"
Draco: "True, true. But even though it's an old, traditional, and customary punishment, I'm not really certain Father will consider my present situation one likely to add luster to the Malfoy name."
Harry: "So, sucks to be you?"
Draco: "Sucks and double sucks. Professor Snape is my Godfather. What he leaves will, sooner or later, get worked over by Father. For my own good. For letting down the name."
Harry: "Belt or cane?"
Draco: "Please, please, Potter. We're an old and magical family. Belt and cane are so… Muggle. Pain and humiliation have been studied for hundreds of years by my family. You couldn't understand…"
Harry: "Sucks to be you. I'm sorry, and I don't even like you. And we two didn't even start it! I mean, here we are, and… why?"
Draco: "Malfoys lead, even when we don't. Uneasy lies the head that wears the… hair? All of a sudden I'm not feeling all that witty. I'll just get quiet, and… panic. Ah, you're not bad company, Potter."
In Partially Kissed Hero, Harry needs to distract Dumbledore, so he dupes the entire Wizarding government of England into thinking that the evil American muggle Colonel Harland Sanders (KFC) and his cronies Barney the Dinosaur and a doughboy from Pillsbury are out to kill them with eleven herbs and spices.
Possibly even better is when, after Harry hires most of Hogwarts's house-elves, the now understaffed Hogwarts elves start bringing in food from outside instead of cooking dinner themselves to cut down the workload—starting with hundreds of buckets of KFC. Dumbledore has a heart attack upon seeing it and is dragged away screaming about how eleven herbs and spices were going to poison them all.
Voldemort: You are going to be able to read and write fluently in both alphabets within the next decade, Harry. Which would you like to learn first?
Harry: I guess Parseltongue. If for nothing else, it'll be interesting to read something by another parselmouth. I can see it now: 'Muggles Are Dumb and Stinky' by Salazar Slytherin, and the sequel: 'Yeah, What He Said,' by Tom Marvolo Riddle.
Voldemort: I will have you know that neither Salazar Slytherin nor myself have published any books, and if we had – they would certainly be about more important things than muggle bashing.
Harry: Right, of course. He'd also have written 'Godric Gryffindor is a Poo-Poo Head' and then you'd have: 'So is Harry Potter'.
Voldemort: Enough of that.
Professor Snape: Welcome to Defense Against the Dark Arts. You have had five teachers in this subject so far, I believe: The Dark Lord himself, an incompetent fraud, a werewolf, a death eater in league with the Dark Forces, and a giggling sadist in a league well beyond the Dark Forces. Needless to say, your education in this subject leaves a little to be desired. From which any reasonable person would conclude that it is a very, very bad idea to let a 116 year old man make hiring decisions all by himself. But for some reason, the rest of Dumbledore's starry-eyed staff refuses to see things that way. Given this appalling lack of proper instruction, I am surprised - no, impressed, dammit- that so many of you scraped a passing grade in this subject. I cannot imagine where you all learned so much about Defense Against the Dark Arts, especially since you were taught by Professor Umbridge last year, who wouldn't recognize the Dark Lord if he were sitting right in front of her.
Tom Riddle (disguised as Draco Malfoy): Well, I'm glad we've got you teaching us this year, then, sir.
Professor Snape: Thank you, Mr. Malfoy. That's odd... Why is it that I can no longer read your thoughts, Mr. Malfoy? Have you been practicing occlumency over the summer? I wouldn't have thought someone of your normally paltry intellect capable of such a thing. Not that I'm complaining, mind you; it is rather a relief not to risk accidentally picking up on your ridiculous fantasies about certain of your classmates in the middle of my class. I do wish the rest of you would practice occlumency as well, but I suppose that is too much to hope for. I cannot help sensing your perverted daydreams when you are supposed to be paying attention in class. Being a legilimens is really more of a curse than a blessing when one is teaching teenagers. I must admit that some of your fantasies are mildly entertaining and good for a laugh, but several of them are rather disturbing. My detentions are not nearly as interesting as some of you seem to imagine. I am also growing terribly weary of centaur fantasies - that goes for you, Miss Patil, Miss Brown, Miss Parkinson, and Mr. Goyle. As for you, Mr. Longbottom, nobody should do that with a plant. And Mr. Weasley... Oh, that's just
Ron: Thank you, sir. I feel a lot better now. Wait - what happened?
Microwave and metal make big boom.
...I seriously cannot think of a more elegant way to say "Here's a crate of our product — go ahead and shove it up your ass."
John: You've stated that you believe there could be an infinite number of parallel universes, does that mean...that there is a universe out there...where I am smarter than you?
Stephen: Yes. And also a universe where you're funny.
"Here is the great truth about America: If you want to do something evil, put it in something boring. Apple could put the entire text of
in the iTunes user agreement, and people would still go 'agree, agree.'"
When discussing FIFA's request that Brazil change the law in order to allow alcohol in sports stadiums, they played a clip of a French FIFA official asking them to do so. John then continues:
John: (in French accent) Maybe I look a beet arrogahnt, but uh, how you say, fuck your laws, and your pooblic saff-ty. Is zat right?
Also, regarding the fact that FIFA has a billion dollars in the bank when the chairman says that they're non-profit.
Sepp Blatter: This a reserve.
John: A reserve? A reserve of a billion dollars. When your rainy day fund is so big you've got to check it for
swimming cartoon ducks
, you might not be a non-profit anymore.
Let's recap: That within the last 12 months, we were in a situation of the event of us launching a nuclear strike, the president's command would have theoretically gone through a man gambling with fake poker chips, who would have then tried to call a drunk guy wrestling with a Russian George Harrison, who would have needed to send someone with a bag full of burritos to wake up an officer and tell him to grab an LP sized floppy disk and begin the solemn process of ending the world as we know it!
Voldemort: Now, we turn our focus to who committed this insult. I want you to find them. I want you to hurt them. And I want you, Harry, to set an example.
fucks with me or anyone under my command.
Flint: "Fucking mudblood trash, polluting our game with her muggle sports shit."
Hermione: "Come down here and say that to my face, you snaggle-toothed bastard. I'll fuck your inbred arse the hell up!"
Herman defeating master assassin Bullseye via exploiting the weakness of his adamantium laced bones. And then when Bullseye refuses to stop laughing at him, utilizing his vibrating gauntlets to literally explode Bullseye's genitals. Which seems immensely harsh, unless you know what kind of a man Bullseye is.
Shocker: "...being a meta with no direction in New York in the Eighties? Bad times: the Sentinel Program, Galactus's second and third visits, the Green Goblin's reign of terror, Ghost Rider, the Scourge of the Underworld, the Avengers going from seven members to seven hundred (I think I could've joined and they wouldn't have even noticed)..."
Ms. Marvel gets one near the end of the tale, starting with the line "...I think she just hit terminal velocity."
Ms Marvel: "You wanted the Avengers. Well, you got one. Come on, Electro. I've got a package for you, special delivery. Sign on the dotted line so I can hand you your ass."
Ares. On the firing line of SHIELD's last line of defense. Mowing down a horde of zombies. While dual-wielding M61 Vulcan mini-guns. The mini-guns they put on helicopters.
Just to bring it to absurd levels of awesome, he's scoring
with every shot from those miniguns. He has to be
braced by Ms Marvel
Osborn waved a hand in my direction. "You're nothing more than a common thug who decided to do the right thing for once, Schultz. That doesn't clean the slate of all the crimes you committed, Herman. One day as a lion does not balance out a lifetime as a jackal."
Under my mask, I raised an eyebrow. Oh, thank you for hubris. "You're right, Norman. Absolutely right. All the good things I've done don't matter a lick compared to the bad. You're the expert on that topic, aren't you, Green Goblin?" If it wasn't for the persistent hum, you could have heard a pin drop. I think Ms. Marvel let out a low whistle at the comment.
Captain America: Avengers! Assemble! This! Ends! Tonight!
Daredevil killing the Kingpin WITH HER EYES!
IT'S CLOBBERIN' TIIIIIIIIME!
Namor broke his hands. How did he break his hands? He
punched the Sentry's head into non-existence
, that's how he broke his hands.
The author also has this little habit of topping himself.
Over and over and over again
. In the latest chapter, Shinji had a Big Damn Heroes moment, where he rescues some PDF soldiers that were going to be killed by angel-made zombies, by charging in with Leman Russ tanks, and then deploying what amounts to
Space Marine Terminators
. And then used his Psychic Powers to just vaporise an enemy unit
that got a little too close to him
In order to provide some context and clarification as to exactly
awesome this story is, the very first Crowning Moment of Awesome, the one that all successive Awesome Moments exceed by increasing magnitudes, is when eight-year-old Shinji has his Warboss figurine stolen by three larger boys, and he proceeds to attempt to
beat the living crap out of them
, despite being nothing but a big bruise by the end of it. The boys are so impressed by his sheer balls that from then on they refer to him only as "Da' Boss".
Neji: That's impossible.
Naruto: Just as impossible as fighting against fate. Just as impossible as fighting a Jyuken user hand to hand.
Glancing around, Shino noticed that both Rock Lee and Tenten were staring at him. Looking down, he realized that there was a fine spray of aspirated blood across the front of his jacket. Hinata's blood. He looked back up.
"What variety of flowers would be appropriate?" he asked in the calmest, most matter-of-fact tone of voice he could muster.
"What?" Tenten asked, rubbing a bruise on the side of her head that she'd sustained in her loss to Temari. To their credit, both of them appeared upset with the outcome of the last match, but Shino still had a point to make.
"For your team mate's funeral," he clarified.
"What the hell!?!?!?!" Sakura shouted, almost causing the boy to lose his balance and fall over. "How the hell can you walk on water!?!?!?!" Naruto just shrugged his shoulders before scratching the back of his head with embarrassment.
"Ehehehe... well, the thing is I can't really swim that well." He mumbled sheepishly, somewhat embarrassed by his own "shortcomings". The pink haired girl just deadpanned.
"So... you just decided that
defying the laws of nature and walking on water
was easier..." She replied sarcastically. Naruto just nodded his head nervously, wondering why everyone looked so surprised by that.
"Yeah... that and I wanted to make sure that my dragon didn't get wet either..." he added lamely, trying to to escape the sittuation that he had gotten himself into. Ryuukimi just rolled his eyes before falling into his own blank expression.
"ENOUGH OF YOUR RUDDY FLASHBACKERY YOU SODDING ARSES!"
"THAT FOOLISH WANKER DA'URQ IS IN NEW YORK AND HES KILLING SOME POOR SODS!"
Without missing a beat, she attempts to seduce her Ax-Crazy husband. When that fails, she berates him for even wasting his time on her dinky sparks. She then leads him on a tour of the cells, enticing him with the various superpowered inmates as if she were a waitress reading daily specials off a menu. The final "item" is their four-year-old son Noah, who has the one ability Sylar is most desperate for: immortality. The gambit works, while trying to kill his son, he has an emotional breakdown. He falls to his knees, seeing Elle only seconds away from electrocuting him. Later, when he asks her why offer up their son, she admits that she needed to be alive to protect Noah. She then reveals what her plan was had electrocuting Sylar not worked while pulling out a pistol from the back of her jeans: she would have, without hestitation, shot him in the sweet spot that negates his healing abilities... then followed it up with a dozen more bullets around the crown of his skull, followed by bashing his head against the cement wall until his brain fell out, which, if it wasn't in enough pieces for her liking...well, they have a "woefully underused blender". After making this point, she then proceeds to initiate sex.
"I'm going to kill you in order to release all these souls inside you and then I'll find a hole in the fabric of time and space and put your body inside the void. Once I seal it up, it won't matter if these dream demons bring you back to life because you'll be trapped forever between universes and there'll be nothing there for you to kill. You never shoulda messed with me, Krueger. You shoulda run and hid the moment you figured out I'm not an average human. You think you're humanity's worst nightmare? Well, I'm yours. Because when I get through with you, you'll wish you'd never been born." To clarify what has just happened, the Tenth Doctor has just beaten Freddy Krueger and he's telling him what will happen.
He finds the MRX402A ULATRV, codename Epona, and proceeds to avoid two road blocks (blowing up one and avoiding the other by getting up on the curb and turning into an alley), outrun or lose a total of Humvees, outrun the crumbling of a highway cause by one of two attack helicopters shooting out the support with a missile, trick one attack helicopter into crashing into a building,
drive up a breaking tree to get on the upper level of a highway
, fend off two gunsword wielders
on motorcycles, jump off one end of a drawbridge to land on the other, dodge a missile of the remaining helicopter whose blast cloud destroys said helicopter, and outrun a fricken'
Marlene: Where did they take my son?
Kidnapper #1: Bite me.
*Marlene shoots him in the face, and casually points her gun at Kidnapper #2.
Marlene: Where did they take my son?
WH40k can make
awesome. Even one of, if not the, most whiny, pathetic spineless wusses in fiction. This is my creed. The Emperor's hand guides all.
You are the soldiers of mankind. You are the Guardians who stand at the Gates of Hell! The dead howl for vengeance, and you must become as the Spirit of Wrath! You shall Eat War And Shit Awesome! YOU ARE DEATHWATCH! KILL TEAMS! YOU ARE THE ONES THAT MAKE THE XENOS DIE!
Bellatrix: If I said you had a good body would you hold it against me?
Snape: I'm like a Rubik's cube. The more you play with me, the harder I get.
Harry: *laughing hysterically*
Snape: Is that a no then? Very well. And pull yourself together, Potter. You look like an idiot.
Dolohov: If I bit my lip would you kiss it better?
Random Deatheater1: Can I have your picture? I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.
Random Deatheater2: Your beauty is so distracting it caused me to walk into a wall. I'll need your name and number for insurance purposes.
Random Deatheater3: Excuse me; could you give me directions to your apartment?
Random Deatheater4: If being sexy is a crime, you are guilty as charge—
Lucius: If I tossed this coin, what are the chances of me getting head?
Then we reach the reasons for Puddinghead, which are summed up rather simply:
"Puddinghead was mother-bucking insane."
"...there is no evidence either archaeological or modern or even in Folk Lore that there was ever an undead ruler of Cuttlefish at Lake Trot, of the infernal sort or no, mostly due to the fact that Cuttlefish are in fact marine and not freshwater dwelling."
During one of the side stories, when an upset Clover tells Hurricane that her father's died, he comforts her, saying she obviously loved her father a lot... only for Clover to say that her father ignored her and her brothers for everything except for using them as political tools. Hurricane's response?
"Oh. Well in that case, he was a total dick."
Meanwhile, after Clover and Cookie's reactions to Platinum's death, Hurricane asks his son (who with a small amount of legal wrangling could be declared King of the Unicorns, which is part of the reason Platinum killed herself) if he wants to be royalty. Star Burst thinks about it for a second:
Star Burst:' No way in Hell, dad
"PowerGoal 90, BY THE POWER OF MOTHRA, (Future): You say a prayer to Mothra in the face of your enemies and are filled with great strength. You rip the heart from the chest of your adversary and eat it in front of his quailing comrades."
THE WAGON THREAD : now with were-wagons, wagon-loads of puns, Oregon Trail references, wagon adventurers, wagon epitaphs, and more absurdity that you can process!
For example, in a single playthrough you can quite happily go around murdering people with a silver hammer, kill a giant with an antler, fight off your own severed hand, raise cash by selling otter's noses, jaguar's ears and badger's spleens, bite someone's legs off after losing all four of your own limbs, and find the exact value of a pair of dingo's kidneys.
"It was a routine assignment...", said one of my little yellow boxes. Cue me garroting a guy in a Santa outfit with barbed wire.
Domino: Okay, what's the plan?
Cable: Charge the citadel. Take out Stryfe. Get Hope back. That's the plan.
Me: AWESOME PLAN.
And the time I challenged Captain America (or that Eldritch Abomination who was squatting in his body) to a match of Rochambeau for the fate of the world.
Fighting Bullseye in a meat freezer, I needed to think of a way to keep Bullseye from killing him with arrows, when one of my voices tells me to "Be the meat". Outta the freezer I come, in a makeshift armor made of frozen pork announcing, "I am the meat!"
And then we get flashback showing that even as a child I wanted to dress up in a meat suit and fight somebody.
"He's beating our meat!" when Bullseye attacks the armor with a power saw.
"Say it! SAY IT!" "GET YOUR MEATHOOKS OFFA ME!"
"YEEEEEEAH!!! No." (stab Bullseye with the meathook)
Me: How much C4 is this gonna take?
White Box: No more than 20 ounces.
I hate the metric system! How much in
White Box: Well, let's see... uhh... Carry the seven...
Me: Dude, fuck math! Just use all of it!
Me: Whew! That's what happens when you mix C4 with a bean burrito. (Mook falls behind him) Now be honest…I'm not the only one with a little bit of shit in their pants right now, am I?
"You can use "light attack->heavy attack" to break blocks...(dudes get shot) Or you can just shoot those fuckers, I guess."
The NY/NJ Port Authority claims that Fishs Eddy's small commemorative plates featuring the NYC skyline are potentially damaging to its control of its own public image, while ignoring the Wretched Hive that is the Port Authority Bus Terminal, which multiple people on the street describe as "skeevy", "fucking disgusting", and "like some kind of dumpy shithole from the '80's".
"Rahul Gandhi, however, is
WOW that guy is handsome
. Look at that vest! He's like an Indian Han Solo."
John: This week, there was a YouTube video this week of tiny hamsters eating tiny burritos: and it's as magical and as uncomplicated as you think.
John Oliver: Do you have self-righteous anchors repeating themselves, over and over again?
Arnab Goswami: How dare you say I take money, simply? How dare you say I take money? How dare you say I take money? How dare you say I take money? How dare you say I take money? How dare you say I take money? How dare you say I take money? How dare you say I take money? How dare you say I take money? You say this to me, how can you say I take money? You - how dare you say I take money, Ms. Lekhi?
, they've stolen our formula!
"In terms of phrases you never want to hear, ['far-right election victories in Europe'] is right up there with 'it's malignant' and 'we're losing cabin pressure.' Because, lest we forget, when Europe goes far-right, they go far right through Belgium!"
Oh, Crap: His reaction when he learns that the Thai military government is angry with him, thanks to a previous segment where he made fun of the Thai Crown Prince, including calling him an idiot and showing a video with him and his topless wife feeding their dog cake, something so ridiculous he considers it entrapment, because Thailand has a law against making fun of the Thai royal family. Of course, his reaction is to then mock the royal families of the Netherlands, Kuwait, and Denmark, which have similar laws.
In the Halloween 2014 episode, John is shocked to discover that "sexy" female Halloween costume versions of both comedian Louis C.K. and
are now available for purchase at the Playboy Store, commenting "I don't know if I've ever been as confused as I am right now" on the latter.
The segment on Francois Hollande details how he would sneak out after midnight to pick up his mistress on a moped, "a series of actions so stereotypically French, it's almost offensive."
Even John Oliver thinks British Prime Minister David Cameron embodies everything that's wrong with England, and he's British.
Oliver maintains that Tom Wheelan stating outright that he isn't secretly a dingo, then adding that he had to look up what the animal was on the Internet, is exactly how a dingo would lie about being a dingo disguised as a human being.
During a phony "native advertisement" for Mountain Dew Code Red, he bitterly refers to it as "the most disgusting fucking drink ever manufactured". (Although, true to its name, it does taste a lot like the color red.)
This Is Going To Be Huge: New rules stripping net neutrality could mean John's web startup "Nutflix" may not get off the ground. It's going to be the top website for videos of guys getting hit in the nuts.
"You don't even know you want it yet. That's why it's brilliant!"
"Use of Ladybucks may result in class action lawsuits, adverse publicity, failure to retain staff, or being kicked in the dick."
The part where Duvall and Miller, two California state legislators, talk about their spanking fetish into a microphone that they didn't know was turned on is funny in its own right, but John's Take That just takes it.
John: "It's not really a surprise that you made that mistake with a microphone, you don't seem like someone who can tell whether something's turned on or not."
Oliver: At a time when women leaders are routinely questioned in ways they shouldn’t be, Mary Barra, the first female CEO of a major car company, has defied stereotypes and issued a statement every bit as shitty as a male CEO. Congratulations, Mary. You haven’t just shattered the glass ceiling; you’ve been ejected through the glass windshield.
John: We have almost everything you need for full coverage! You need Justice Alito taking notes? Done, not a problem. You need Ginsberg adjusting her glasses? You got it! You need Samuel Alito having a drink of water? No problem! You need Roberts yawning? He'll yawn for ya! You need Alito covering his ears with his paws, or... banging a gavel, or humping Elena Kagan? We have ALL of those things! Why? Because the Alito dog was fucking
"You, Glenn, are the worst type of person on this planet... You are nothing but a hypocrite... You accuse Brian of lusting after Lois, but you fucking got caught spying on her in the can... you tried to hook up with her after Peter lost his memory, you used my pacifier as a sex toy, you're a convicted sex offender, pedophile, AND necrophiliac... and you accuse Brian of being a tool... but look at you! Brian at least TRIES to better himself with college and careers, but you... we RARELY see you working and I wouldn't be surprised if you just got into the pilot business just so you could fuck every stewardess into the mile-high club! So what if Brian craps on the fat guy's lawn, HE'S A FUCKING DOG! DOGS DO THAT YOU IMBECILE! You've fuckin' hit on Meg, Connie... you destroyed Cleveland's marriage and fucked Loretta's corpse... you treat women as if they're nothing more than objects... you act like you're some well-read snob, but in reality the closest thing to a novel you've probably ever read is the Private Parts book! But you know what... I could possibly, POSSIBLY forgive you for all this... but for one small fact. You're a shithead... a hypocritical, perverted, sexist, violent little shithead!"
Algae Bloom: What? Is that some kind of nerd code word?
Twilight: What you scoop out of the fish tanks. They aren’t plants, they’re cyanobacteria. You know, pond scum.
Algae Bloom: Oh. So what? What’s the difference?
Twilight: Proper classification is important, and those are two completely different things. Just because you don’t appreciate them doesn’t mean they aren’t good and important things. They provide something like twenty or thirty percent of Equestria’s oxygen, and they’re essential to the nitrogen cycle too. None of us would even exist without them.
Algae Bloom: Well to me they’re just squicky, worthless ooze.
Twilight: They survive almost anywhere, you know. From salty ocean water to rocky desert soil. You can try to kill them over and over again but they just always seem to bounce back. I just wanted you to know so that if some other mare in the future thinks it’s clever to tell you that you’re pond scum because you’ve treated her the way you’re treating me, it’s not as much of an insult as you think. If anything, it’s an insult to the cyanobacteria. Frankly, you aren’t worth cyanobacteria’s attention.
Algae Bloom: It's a good thing you're a hot piece of flank, because I don't know how anypony could put up with how weird you are if you weren't. Seriously, you should just shut up and have a few more drinks.
Twilight: Yes, I'm weird. I say and do crazy things sometimes. Things nopony understands, not even me. But some ponies, not horrible little stupid ones like you, mind, some ponies try. They don't know me, but they want to and they see that all those weird things are actually pretty wonderful. They look past how messed up I am. I thought I had to push one of them away because she doesn't see what I'm really like, but I was wrong.
Algae Bloom: Where are you going now?
Twilight: To get her back. Oh, and by the way? It's not as if it ever would have been fine, exactly, but you picked the worst possible time to try to get me liquored up so you could take me to bed. I happen to just have adopted a zero tolerance policy for mares who try to warp others' minds for their own pleasure, and if I ever hear from anypony that you've been getting fillies drunk and taking advantage of them they will never find your body.
Algae Bloom: Wow, I didn't realize you were going to turn into such a psycho bitch over a drink.
Twilight: Don't worry, it takes more than that to bring out my worst. A lot more. You don't even meet the detection threshold to register as something bad happening to me. If you ever do, you'll know. Briefly.
Sooner or later, humans will kill off all Aen Seidhe, all dwarves and all gnomes. Then they'll start murdering each other. Your kind knows no other way, it's in your genes. You'll keep killing each other until only one remains: the strongest among you. A thousand years from now, a dim-witted human barbarian will climb to the top of a pile of bones, sit down and proclaim: "I win!"
Queen Celestia: ""There can be no peace, no compromise, no accord between Us and Them. You have seen his memories, how they poisoned their world, incited violence and murder, turned our own ponies against us!"
Princess Celestia: "And you have done just the same, or even worse! You have corrupted your Equestria, tainted the souls of precious ponies with cruelty and malice, and drawn two realities into a war of endless death and atrocity! Harmony, true harmony, transcends species and worlds – it is the finding of common ground despite differences, the nurturing of love between all! You would create a desolation and name it Peace! I will not allow some Tyrant rule with an iron hoof. I will not allow an entire species to die quietly and fade into the darkness. I will not stand to see the rape of innocence and innocents alike, of the peaceful being forced to take up bloody arms, and the grotesque being violated in mind, body and soul! Equestria, all of Equus, will rise against you! We will fight. We will turn this darkness away, and come to the rescue of all you have subjugated, Pony and Human, Earthborn and Equestrian alike. We will cast you down, and cast you out! In Harmony’s name, I swear it."
Dark Kuroda: I'm a flamer because I said something negative about your fanfic? You really need to grow up and understand that not everyone is going to praise what you do. This chapter is better then your first too, she is slightly more likeable. However, she is making the characters run circles around her. That is what we call a Blackhole Sue. Particularly since you do make the characters OoC here.
Jolene Meyers: I am just going to ignore you. You don't know what you're talking about. None of what you say makes any sense at all.
Oshikko: Yes... I am a flamer. I enjoy telling you how much your story actually sucks. Seriously... don't you get that this would never actually happen in the world of Bleach? I enjoy reading your fanfic because I enjoy laughing at your stupidity. Do you actually act like this girl. No... wait, I read Cutie Pie 3's review from last chapter. You're trying to mimic that shit Twilight. You are successful in that but then... that isn't hard to do.
Jolene Meyers: Don't you dare diss Twilight! You are a moron not to see how great of a writer Meyer happens to be! I laugh at your stupidity, you moron. If my fanfic is so bad, why don't you write your own version, huh?
Oshikko: Sure I will. Keep in mind, you suggested I do so.
Moka: You arrested us. You took us away and scheduled us for execution just because we were monsters. We didn't want to cause any trouble. We didn't want anyone to get hurt. We only came to try to help, but you wouldn't listen to us. We didn't want to hurt you yesterday, but you gave us no choice. We had to free ourselves from being wrongfully imprisoned and accused of being enemies of mankind. Yes, we
harm and even kill some of the HDA when we broke out of your jail. We didn't want to, but we had to. You wouldn't listen to us. You wouldn't even
to understand. You just blamed us for everything because we were monsters and you were
! We wanted peace with your race, and still do. But tell me honestly, did
want peace with
you? Were you even willing to give us a chance, or does us being monsters automatically mean we're the devils? We told you that we would deal with monsters that were out of line, just as you deal with your own kind who cause trouble in your world, but the moment a monster acts out, you
jump to the notion of war! We risked our lives to help save you, to save
of you, and you
think we're nothing but horrible monsters! We exposed ourselves to you, told you
you wanted to know about us. We wanted to live in peace with you! But the
a rogue monster causes a scene you blame
of us! You're unbelievable! We put an end to Fairy Tale! We stopped Alucard! We killed those that destroyed your school and city! My friend here even just shot that massive demon out of the sky by means that I can't even begin to fathom? What do we have to do to prove to you that we aren't evil?!
Render: You know what? I was going to say sorry about having to kill some of your comrades the other day. I mean, hey, I didn't want to dice them into pieces. They were just trying to kill me and my smoking hot girlfriend, so of course I wasn't going to take that lying down. But it's obvious that none of you are sorry about the way you've been treating us or are even willing to listen to us. Our friend here just obliterated that demon above for you and you're aiming your guns at her again. The hell kind of manners is that?
Mizore: You people are more of monsters than we are. You won't even give us a chance just because we're different; you think we're all the same. I could have used lethal force earlier while trying to help my friends escape the
evil monsters that were here when your police tried to shoot us. They didn't even ask questions or try to detain us; they tried to kill us on sight. But I didn't kill them. They're alive, and aside from having a few bruises, they'll be just fine.
Leon: We stopped the monsters who were running around here causing havoc, but I guess that means nothing to you, does it?
Akasha: I put an end to several large demons in your city, and
is the thanks I get? I see mankind's manners haven't changed in all these years.
Moka: The HDA has been nothing but a barrier in any efforts to forming peace with you people; they treat all monsters as absolute evils regardless of their nature. I've laid my life on the line for your kind, and this is what I get for it, a gun to my face and accusations of being a plague in your world. I value life, no matter what it may be. Do you? We put a stop to the monster attack in your home. We tried to save as many lives as we could. We've
you to listen and allow us the chance to explain what happened, yet you
point that thing at me. You want to kill me just because I'm a monster? Can there really be no peace between our worlds? If so, then go ahead and shoot. You won't get an easier shot than this. Just remember that we're willing to give peace a chance, but this monster in the darkness, the one that has attacked
our worlds in his quest for total domination... he will
be so merciful as to give you a similar chance.
Tyrion: I heard there was some trouble in Littlefinger's brothel the other night.
Slynt: Nasty business. Had to be done.
Tyrion: Of course. The city watch must keep the peace. Only....I hadn't realized peace depended on killing babies.
Tyrion: You've heard the awful rumors about my brother and sister?
Slynt: I don't listen to filth.
Tyrion: That's good of you. But you have heard the rumors. I suppose the people who
believe that "filth" also believe that Robert's bastards have a better claim to the throne than Cersei's children.
Slynt: Joffrey is my king, and the rest doesn't interest me.
Tyrion: I appreciate your loyalty. Tell me... When your men
Ned Stark's men in the throne room, did you give the order?
Slynt: I did. And I would again. The man was a traitor. He tried to buy my loyalty.
Tyrion: The fool! He had no idea your loyalty was
Slynt: Are you drunk? I'll not have my honor questioned by an
Tyrion: I'm not questioning your honor, Lord Janos. I'm denying its existence.
Slynt: (leaps up) If you think I'll stand there and take this from you, dwarf-
Tyrion: "Dwarf?" You should have stopped at "imp." And yes, you
stand here and take it from me, unless you'd like to take it from my friend here (Bronn steps into the room) I intend to serve as Hand of the King until my father returns from the war, and seeing as you betrayed the last Hand of the King, well, I just wouldn't feel safe with you
"You're blessed with abilities that few men possess. You're blessed to belong to one of the most powerful families in the kingdoms, and you're still blessed with youth. What have you done with these blessings, eh? You served as a glorified bodyguard for two kings - one a mad man, the other a drunk."
"That outfit you're wearing looks stupid... That's not me talking; it says so right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but here, a scientist has noted that on you it looks stupid. Well, what does a neckbearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably- Oh, wait, it's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh, wait. It says she has a medical degree. In fashion. From France."
No, no, I think I have something to say to Captain Wallow-Pants here. Do you have any idea how bloody useless we were while you were taking your dirt nap? The redhead can't lead anyone out of a wet paper bag, and I almost vomited myself to death because you weren't there to keep me from doing something stupid. And the other half was just as bad, from what I hear. Elan couldn't see past some lame subplot, Durkon sat on his thumbs, and I think the elf almost went nuts. So you're gonna pussy out now and "sound the alarm?" Sure, whatever. I mean, that bell got rung when a billion hobgoblins jumped up and down on Hinjo's face. I don't hear the cavalry yet. The get-the-hell-out-of-here plan, though, I can get behind. Try to lay low. Bet you can hide on your ditzy girlfriend's cloud. Bring your sister, too. And hey, maybe some other hero will pop out of nowhere to stop this Snarl thing at the last minute. Who knows, it would probably make a better story than this one. Of course, it would mean that your best friend got horribly killed for absolutely no damn reason at all. Me, I'm a heartless little bastard. I can shrug that kind of thing off. But you seem like maybe that might bother you somewhere down the road.
"Y'know what? You two aren't even worth it. It's ridiculous! Can you at least try to be original for a change? You've been doing the same bully routine since the second grade, Cash. It's tired. Spilling my drink? Seriously, I can't believe I used to be afraid of you. Look around, Cash, we've all grown up. But you're still the same pathetic loser who has to torment others just to feel good about himself. You're just sad."
"You think we're intellectual equals?! It only took me
to get you off your guard! And this 'body' you designed is self-congratulatory garbage! See, I know a thing or two about building a body out of biomass, and you
... leave your heart exposed!"
When Simon and Lewis get the collector's edition of Diablo 3, it's wrapped completely in vaccum-packed plastic. Simon can't scrape the plastic off, and then reaches off-screen to grab something. Lewis pans the camera to reveal...
. A fully sharpened, actual size replica Frostmourne. The extreme closeups of the tip of the blade just
scraping the box makes hardcore collectors and nerds cringe. And then he does it
with a hardbound Artbook.
"Fuck it, let's do this the Yogscast way."
Australia, land of Everything Trying to Kill You, has the saltwater crocodile, the
largest living reptile
in existence. It can be found
200 miles out at sea
. Yes, it eats sharks.
Gustave has also been documented hunting and eating hippos. To put things into perspective, hippos are known to be able to bite a crocodile in half with their powerful tusks and jaws. Because of this, most crocodiles generally avoid hippos and rarely hunt them. And, when they do, it's out of desperation and often are either infants or very sick adults. Gustave, on the other hand? He's been known to hunt and eat
healthy adult hippos
If you thought
crocodiles were bad enough, you haven't met the
crocodylomorphs. We have the terrestrial "boar-croc" Kaprosuchus; the terrestrial Sebecids, able to compete with theropod dinosaurs (and surviving up until far more recently); the rauisuchids and poposaurids, who invented the Tyrannosaurus rex look while dinosaurs were still chasing bugs (and even came close to it in size); the marine thalattosuchians, of whom one of them (Dakosaurus) was nicknamed "Godzilla" for good reason, the 11-metre long alligator Deinosuchus, 12-metre long Sarcosuchus, and Aegisuchus, with a total estimated body length of 15-21 metres... Add to that animals that made their living as giant browsers and filter-feeding whales far before those existed, and you have an incredibly impressive and diverse group.
Partially averted at least once by most species of crocodile. For example, saltwater crocodiles blow bubbles to potential mates, and spectacled caimans will wait for straggling baby caimans to catch up if they lag behind. Hell, quite a few species have been recorded, in the wild and in captivity, willingly consuming fruits (such as alligator apples, watermelons, and Phylodendron-genus fruits); as well as setting traps, climbing trees, and
being as smart as the average domestic dog
Just when you thought crocodiles couldn't get any more terrifying, there's (though limited) evidence that they will sometimes hunt in groups. One crocodile going after you is bad enough. Now imagine several working together to make you their meal.
Gustave, a semi-legendary crocodile in Africa who may have killed upwards of 300 people. And Nile crocodiles in general, really. Because they were revered by ancient Egyptians for thousands of years, and it was punishable by death to even touch one, the crocs got wise, and are now one of the few species of animals that will deliberately stalk, hunt, and eat humans with direct intent as opposed to incidentally. Essentially, the Egyptians smiled at the crocodiles for so long, the crocs are smiling back.
Gustave is so bad, this Cracked article calls him the physical manifestation of hatred. No wonder no one has been able to kill him yet!
The last sighting of him was in February 2008. So either his various wounds caught up with him, or he's become much better at hiding.
It's also worth noting that Nile crocodiles generally live around 45-50 years in the wild. Gustave was estimated to be around 60 years old in 2004. This makes him around 70 years old as of 2014. If he's still alive, he's lived longer than most crocodiles in the area. If not, then he likely just died of old age. Dead or alive, Gustave is the crocodile version of a Badass Grandpa.
"I HAVE MORE YOUTUBE MONEY THAN GOD!"
"I angered Pewdiepie's fanbase last night; do you really think I'm a known giver of fucks?"
I AM THE FREAKIN' ARCHMAGE OF THE
Jesse: Is this where you tell me, "I ate steak off the back of a naked Asian woman [for breakfast], then I went and killed a rhinoceros with my bare hands, upon which I took his horn and made a flute- even though it seems impossible. And I did that all before
TB: Ah, so you do follow my Twitter.
Has a bit of a trigger finger on banning Fan Dumb — both his own and that of others. It doesn't matter if you like his videos, you love kittens or you like Ponies — if you're being a dick about what you like, you
piss him off.
When the makers of Guise Of The Wolf actually threated to sue, TB's response roughly amounted to "bring it on". They backed down within the day since no sane prosecutor would take a case that censored free speech (a constitutional right) and the fact that TB has access to Polaris' lawyers.
"Fire ze missiles!"
"I'm working on it."
"Covered in X!"
"Yes, it is delicious!"
"My name is TotalBiscuit and I'm here to ask and answer one simple question... WTF is [insert game title here]?"
"By any stretch of the imagination"
"Free X! My favorite kind of X!"
"Big fan of that."
"X is/are the worst thing/things in the world..."
"Not the worst thing to ever happen/in the world..."
"Death to you!"
"Death to the heathens!"
"Death to those who play false metal!"
"Onwards, for great justice!"
"Let us rock and/or roll... whichever comes first."
"Lets kick it off, shall we?"
"Funny how that works."
"I can tell you that for a fact."
"...in any way, shape or form."
"Honestly" or "If I'm being totally honest."
"For the good of the land!"
"Beta is Beta." or "Alpha is Alpha"
"At the end of the day..."
"...as much as Humanly (sometimes Zergly) possible
"...see what he can see..."
"...streaming across the map"
"Bit of a bugbear;..."
"Welcome to the Game Station Podcast where we occasionally talk about Videogames."
"...as a direct result..."
"I have more... than god!"
"This/that is not ideal." or "Not the most ideal X..."
"Onward, for great (*Meat Boy runs into buzzsaw*) ...death."
TB: "Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Totalbiscuit and I'm here to as—
PC: *Crashes into the room* "I am you from the future, there's no time to explain! Follow me to — OH CHRIST!! WAAAAH!!" *giant claw grabs PC*
TB: "What the Chr—? *Beat* My name is Totalb—"
PC, still in Claw: "Use the arrow keys to move!! UAAHGH!!"
TB: "--iscuit... and I'm here... to ask and answer one simple question..."
Upon going to Paris and witnessing the Eiffel Tower lit up, his reply is this:
TB: That is
Belldandy: "We could try... singing?"
Jago: "Well that depends: would you rather be cremated or buried at sea?"
Danny Dingo: So you just went and baked cookies? Shifty, you're a dingo for crying out loud!
Shifty Dingo: Well, if it makes you feel better, I wore a pink apron with butterflies on it while I baked them.
Flap: Since when does Greenpatch have a Burger King and how did it get here?
Shifty Dingo: Deforestation.
Narrator: Gimli, having reached the Horn, blew on it, causing one massive, and vaguely flatulent sound to echo over the deep.
Harry: *just after Gandalf frees Théoden from Saruman* Look upon your kingdom once more. I hear it’s very nice this time of year.
Théoden: What does Rohan owe Gondor?
Harry: Would you like me to list that alphabetically, or chronologically?
Kurt: "Which one's the real Harry?"
Kitty: "Probably the one shooting magic from his hands."
Naomi: I'm leaving, I'll be back later. Take care of yourselves and try not to destroy any furniture in your petty battles for world domination.
Light: My goal is not world domination.
Naomi: Light, you said you'd be god of the new world. What do you call that?
Light: A new era of enlightenment.
Duck: To save face and not sound like a jackass I'll be frank, my goal is world domination.
Naomi: Whatever. Try not to get any blood on the carpet.
Nala: Now, if we killed somebody - and we have - what would we do?
'''Simba (half-heartedly): Run around screaming and crying?
Shining Armor: However, the Royal Guard Regulations state in Rule Four Hundred and Nine, that 'in face of overwhelming stupidity, an officer is permitted to deploy sarcasm'(I appreciate the Princess' understanding of our position).
Shadow Snark: You're sending me to that backwater semi-racist insane asylum to learn about friendship?
Princess Celestia: See, this is why you're leaving.
Guile: I'm going to get on my boat, and I'm going to kick that son-of-a-bitch Bison's ass...
The Nostalgia Critic: Heart of a poet.
Rythian: Take the colonizer! Have it all, it's yours, leave us alone! Give us five tiles to live on and eat in our hut! Give us the rite of fire so that we can cook our food! Not alien food, we're eating ourselves here!
I'm eating human arms!
Rythian: *as he's conquering Parv, Lewis's other long-time ally, the other being Rythian himself* Alright Lewis, I can be your best ally, alright? There's no need for any aggression, Parv was a weight, holding you down, as you're reaching for the sky. But I,
I can be your
Parv: Can you be the wind
his wings, though?
Rythian: *deadpan* No. Just his wings. Not the actual wind.
About two minutes later, he finds a safe, screws up the hacking of it, then goes "I'm going to regret using an autohack dart on this...", autohacks it, and sure enough... "I regret using an autohack dart on this."
His big long convoluted monologue about accidentally making too many heat-seeking rocket-propelled grenades (starts at 5:40), following which he leaves an area for (literally) two seconds and returns to find a Big Daddy had spawned in what was a previously empty room. He sputters for a moment and continues on, using an autohack dart on a safe because he didn't know when Australia Day was (the date being the combination for said safe)... And then he finds a giant poster with the date on it (also amusing because he'd actually walked past it twice).
Rythian: (In an absolutely exasperated tone) ...maybe if I'd
, I would have seen it!
to help you, but I am
almost out of patience
about how badly Thief (2014) disappointed him. As a Youtube commenter put it, "I think they broke Rythian."
He gets so annoyed by the fact that there is a reoccurring section that requires the exact same log to be moved (every time the player must slide through a certain area, no matter where in the game they are, there will always be a log that needs to be moved). He starts out by going "Yay, it's Loggy!", and by the end of the game it's "Oh,
, everyone - it's FUCKING
Splicer: Okay, this one's down for the count -
Splicer 2: Show yourself!
"(To Nilesy) Why don't you take your wood and your dirt, and
shove them up your inventory
"The death of Guard Guy shall not be forgotten!"
(In a forced friendly voice) "Sjin! You little bastard!"
"See you later, shitlords! No, that didn't fit... *goes back* See you later, sucker!"
"Harsh words! Harsh words from a man in a melon suit!"
Rythian: I am a mighty warrior!
Caragor: *snarls and charges*
Help me help me help me help me
Toby (in chat): I'm not killing my teammate!
Martyn: *starts killing him*
"Tyrannosaurus is the most superb carnivorous mechanism among the terrestrial Vertebrata, in which raptorial power and speed are combined."
"Everyone's always in favour of saving Hitler's brain. But when you put it in the body of a Great White shark, ooh, suddenly you've gone too far!"
Want to make a (usually) aquatic situation a dangerous nightmare? One way is
If you're swimming or anywhere near water, the last thing you want to hear is "shark". In fictionland, or rather fiction-ocean, Sharks are unstoppable sea-monster killing machines which devour everything in sight: fish, seals, people...license plates, car tires, suits of armour, car parts, severed human limbs. Sometimes they'll even attack ships: that's how Badass they are. Most animals eat to live, but sharks live to eat. Sharks are the ultimate Rule of Cool. Perhaps it's because they can sense your bioelectricity, meaning you can never hide from them. Or maybe it's how their mouths are literally lined with hundreds of teeth. Perhaps it's because they have changed very little in the millions of years they existed, invoking a sort of reversed watery version of Everything's Better with Dinosaurs. It doesn't matter, they're the most Badass animal that isn't extinct or made up. If they ever find a way to take to the land or air, it would surely be the end of us all. Really, if Sand Is Water, expect Land Sharks.
From Chapter 12 of Takamachi Nanoha Of 2814, there's Nanoha's "Bruce" construct, a giant hundred meter long green shark with whirring chainsaw teeth and insides that look like a nightmare of spinning cutting rings.
The monster called the Bulette... better known as the "land shark". (Complete with fin cutting through the surface of the
as it burrows toward you...)
D&D also has sharks that live in acid and lava. Because even when you're drowning in acid or lava, sometimes it's just too easy. The monster entry for the Acid Shark sums it up pretty well: "What's worse than a pit full of acid? A pit full of acid with a shark in it."
The Hero Clix miniatures game set of Arkham Asylum had a figure of Black Manta, who while being a decent playing piece, was pushed into the category of awesome by having his sculpt feature him surfing on the head of a shark with frikkin' laser beam on its head.
World Of Synnibarr, well-known for its flying bears with laser-beam eyes, also has sharks. Sharks with armor-penetrating teeth, and shapechanging abilities so they can climb aboard your ship.
Warhammer 40,000: the Space Wolves fit this trope a lot. They're super soldiers / space vikings who fight all sorts of daemons and xenos, with chainswords and bolters, ride giant wolves bigger than horses, and eat truck loads of meat and gallons of ale for dinner.
Oh for the love of the Chaos Gods...Warhammer 40000, period.
What makes 40K unique in the gaming genre is its
darkness. Set thirty-eight thousand years in the future, the game's basic setting, insofar as it
be summed up, is that of a galaxy twisted into a horrifying hell where an eternal, impossibly vast conflict occurs between several absurdly powerful genocidal, xenocidal, and (in at least one case) omnicidal factions, with every single weapon, ideology, and creative piece of nastiness imaginable turned Up to Eleven...and even
has a Hell.
Badass Biker: How much more badass do you get than screaming green maniacs on ramshackle scrap-metal motorbikes laden with giant machine guns? Oh yeah, that would be the Super Soldiers on giant armored bikes the size of cars. Or the
Super Soldiers on
covered in blades and skulls... or maybe the space-elf knights on flying bikes with laser lances... or the evil space elves that can fly their bladed flying death bikes with enough skill to
cut specific arteries
"For those of you who don't know, Road House is an exceptionally homoerotic action film about a bouncer named Dalton (played by a perpetually-shirtless Patrick Swayze), a man so badass that he sews up his own knife wounds after tearing his opponent's throat out barehanded. Together with his bouncer mentor, a greasy-haired Sam Elliot, they battle the ascot-wearing villain and his flunkies who have a monster truck and far too-tight blue jeans. Dalton is a tortured hero and applies his philosophy degree to the art of ass-whoopin', spouting Zen philosophies to his disciples while teaching them how to be better bouncers. But really, the movie is about Patrick Swayze's oiled chest, because you spend 90% of the movie looking at it..."
"At the end there, when I was trying to cut a deal, the ambassador was
... That's why he wouldn't come to our aid. That's why we're on our own.
Because the demons are afraid of what we're hunting
Lewis: Toilets often aren't haunted.
Cue the bathroom stall door flying off.
Everyone: AAAAGH! AAAAAAHHHH!
Simon: You guys suck! This is the worst guillotine I have ever been in!
1. MOONBASE OUT OF HAM = HAMBASE
2. FIND PIGGII. MATE PIGGUSES. KILL BABBYES.
3. GET HAMME. MAKE BRICK FROM HAMME.
4. MACHINE 4PIGS.
5. PIG ISLAND 2.0
6. THINK OF SOMETHING FOR NUMBER 6
—Simon's master plan for colonizing the moon, Moonquest
HISS HISS, MOTHERFUCKERS!!
"Every creature [in Australia] is bigger and angrier than anywhere else in the world... spiders and snakes and the like normally hide under rocks. The Earth is one big rock, Australia is at the bottom of the big rock, and so they're trying to hide under it."
About the only things that aren't dangerous or poisonous are some of the sheep (which aren't native to Australia). And maybe wallabies. The following things will kill you: common spiders, the most common snakes, ticks, crocodiles, sharks, jellyfish, stonefish; we have a seashell that will go for you and deliver a very painful, fast death. Even (male) platypus are poisonous.
Then there's the most humiliating thing of all - mauled by a
. No joke.
Maybe Long Weekend was just Truth in Television.
It's not quite as silly as it sounds - wombats are regularly preyed upon by dingos, and escape by letting the dingos chase them to their burrows, waiting for the dingo to force its snout over the wombat's back, and then
kicking upward with enough force to crack the dingo's skull
. And, as burrowing animals, they have huge, sharp claws.
Eucalypts also produce dry, waxy leaves and loose bark that fuel the frequent and highly dangerous bushfires, and have a tendency to lose branches in high winds, or just after said fires. Add in the fact that eucalypt branches are often 1-2 metres in length, and all grow from the top foot or so of trunk, and you can see that even the
are trying to kill you.
Also, falling gum tree limbs (known as widowmakers) have caused serious property damage and deaths.
And they fall with
. Feel like taking a nap under a gum tree during a hot day? It might be the last thing you do...
The good news is that Drop Bears are just scare stories for the tourists. The bad news is that the trees the bears live in do, in fact, drop lethal objects on you
It's worth noting that the oils in these branches is highly flammable and has fungicide properties, meaning that they break down very slowly and present a lingering fire hazard even
trying to crush you.
You know your country is scary when even the snails can kill. The aptly named Triton (not the car) is one of the few predators that will kill and eat "crown of thorns" starfish.
You know your country is scary when even the
have Names to Run Away From Really Fast.
That is one of the reasons why Steve Irwin was considered one of the best Real Life badasses. "Now watch as I approach the kangaroo's babies, if I'm not careful the mama will rip off my arm and start beating me with it!!" Nothing he says is worth anything less then two exclamation points.
If Australia killed Steve Irwin, what chance do
Emus are basically really big Velociraptor with a beak. Be glad that you do not meet their dietary needs. Cassowaries, too — which are like emus but actively aggressive towards humans. They were actually used as the models for the Velociraptor in Jurassic Park.
Adding to the horror - a cassowary is basically an emu with warpaint
and an axe attached to its head
If you think that's bad, Australia was even more of a Death World back in the Pleistocene, when humans first arrived. Carnivorous buzz-saw toothed kangaroos? Check. Monitor-lizards the size of a city bus? Check. Climbing warm-blooded saw-toothed crocodiles? Check. Gigantic killer pseudo-python? Check. Marsupial lion with sickle thumbs? Check. The Demon Duck of Doom! Oh yeah, it's there. Ninjemys, a gigantic horned turtle built like a panzer tank (and yes, the name means exactly what you think it means and it
named after that), check.
Any child growing up in Australia learns (unless the parents are trying to kill the kid) a long list of things that can kill you, practically by heart. It's a long list, and just to make sure at least one state teaches it in primary schools.
Is it "everything"? That's not that hard to memorize.
Koalas. If you try to hug a wild one, they will be happy to "hug" you back with razor sharp claws that are designed to be habitats for nasty shit, making them natural experts of biological warfare. Have you ever heard one growl at you? The cute little marsupials sound like giant ogres!
Out of all these critters, the only ones that really cramp your style are the jellyfish. Sharks? Pfft, there's like three left. Spiders? Don't go picking up random bits of rusty iron. Snakes? Make a lot of noise whilst walking through undergrowth, wear tough shoes, etc. Stonefish/cone shells? Don't walk barefoot on reefs. Drop bears? Don't hang around underneath gum trees. But jellyfish? "Oh, I'm sorry if you wanted to go for a swim at that otherwise harmless sandy beach when it's 42 degrees. We'll just be floating around by our thousands, invisible and potentially fatal."
Not to mention the Irukandji. The worst of the box jellyfish (an infamous class of jellyfish), they will actively seek out prey rather than drift along in the current, are the size of a fingernail, are transparent, can swim through anti-jellyfish safety nets on beaches and pack a horrifically painful sting which has 'a sense of impending doom' listed as a symptom on That Other Wiki.
Sure the little guys are scary, but on the other side of the scale, Australia is also home to a southern-hemisphere relative of the Lion's Mane jellyfish◊. Yes, that is a jellyfish that can grow up to 120 feet long, 8 feet across, and whose stingers remain dangerous even after detached. While there hasn't really been a
case of a person being eaten by one of these, isn't it nice to know that there are species of jellyfish actually capable of devouring you whole? Oh yea, and sometimes they swarm. Sleep well!
And because this list isn't long enough, the Blue-Ringed Octopus. The venom causes total paralysis of everything, including involuntary muscle movement - like say, breathing. Or your heart beating. And you're conscious every second of it - assuming you are going to live much longer, which is debatable because you're paralyzed, look dead and, well... just pray your buddy (you DO have one with you, right...?) can recognize the effects of blue ringed octopus venom, otherwise say hi to a very unpleasant death!
There is no antidote for the blue-ringed octopus's venom — in no small part because the horrifying concoction is hard to formulate an antivenom for, being a mix of several different horrifically lethal chemical substances, tetradotoxin in primis. The treatment is to start CPR immediately and keep going, no matter what, until medical help arrives; the victim is then placed on life support until their body can flush out the venom naturally.
And you know what the big Irony is? While it may or may not be the only venomous octopus species in the world, blue-rings are definitely the only ones that are lethal to humans. That's right folks, there is only
type of octopus that can kill you, and it lives in Australia.
And if the venom isn't scary enough, keep in mind that the blue-ringed octopus, like the rest of its order, is super intelligent; just imagine the cephalopod version of the Zodiac Killer armed with a powerful neurotoxin and a body of pure nerves and muscle that can fit through any crack or crevasse. Fortunately, once more like other octopuses, they're of the "will only attack when provoked" variety, but obviously it's still not something you want to mess with.
And let's not forget the Great Australian Bight. For non-locals, that's a region of South Australia where the ground beneath your feet is brittle and conceals deep abysses leading to underground caverns filled with seawater, which will happily drown you if the fall doesn't splat you first. That's right: in Australia,
even the ground wants to kill you
To elucidate a little further, it's not just NT ground that can kill you (although honestly, living in Alice Springs is almost a death wish, and you only live in Darwin if you have a love affair with bipolar weather and cyclones), but nearly all ground
that can kill you. Apart from some of the most perilous mountain ranges anywhere (with sharp drops, deceptive rock formations, crumbling earth, nexus of underground caves which you
find your way out of without a very experienced guide, and narrow winding paths that you only can travel with immense preparation (and these are mountain ranges with absolutely
mountains compared to the rest of the world, just look up the Flinder's Ranges)), you have wide vast expanses of ridiculously dry desert in Western Australia that you
die in if you don't have someone who knows how to find the water hidden deep beneath the ground, a coastline with so many abrupt cliffs that if you're not careful you can drive right off, and marsh land and estuaries in NSW and Queensland that will either suck you into their swampy extremes, or leave you wandering lost for days in sand dunes. Even the
will try to poison you and paralyze you! ... Oh god, why do I live here again?
Even the things that
are happy to join the party. Just give them a little evolving time. This article, about felines that take Cats Are Mean Up to Eleven, takes place in, you guessed it, Brisbane.
Yes, even things only introduced to the Australian environment 100 years ago can now kick the ass of its counterparts in Europe and America. And they tend to be more sadistic too.
You also have to remember that pretty much any time Cracked mentions Australia, it must, and absolutely must, be restated that dingoes eat human babies.
If trees killing you weren't bad enough, the
trying to kill you would be. Triodia (aka Spinifex) is a grass tipped with hard silicate arrowheads that break off in your skin.
In the surrounding areas of the A.C.T (Australian Capital Territory), there is a road to a lovely beach town in NSW (Batemans Bay) called the Clyde. Along this road, there is a tourist attraction known as Pooh Bear's corner. Back in WWII, this fun little visiting spot (now filled with plush toys of its namesake) was filled with explosives. Back then, the Clyde was the only route in or out of Canberra and was meant to halt invading Japanese soldiers by either blowing them up or cutting off the road at an important point. So in Australia, even the most innocent of places could've killed you.
Australia is not just an active killer, it's also passive-aggressive as all hell. There's been no crustal overturn in most of the continent since around the time of the first dinosaurs, so the soils tend overwhelmingly to be thin and nutrient-poor, and in many places — especially in the southwest — tens of millions of years of accumulated salt spray make the ground inhospitable to vegetation not evolved to cope with it. Europeans moved to this place and set about establishing European-style agriculture. Australia blinked and chuckled grimly at that, though it's true those rabbit things are annoying.
When Australia was discovered in 1622 by English sailors (about 20 years after the Dutch found it and left it well enough alone) they made the fatal mistake of believing Australia was more hospitable than it was- they landed in the middle of the wet season but because it was so hot, arid and barren they thought that it was the peak of the dry season and that the climate would become more bearable after a few months. After colonizing they found out that this wasn't the case.
Just to prove the government has a sense of humour - snakes are protected species in most areas, it's illegal to kill them. Snakes do not reciprocate this policy. Fortunately for gardeners, the natural enemy of the snake, the shovel, is often close by.
But, there is one inversion. Most native Australian bees either have no stingers or stingers too small to penetrate human skin. Australia has a most ironic sense of humor.
It gets even crazier in that all of this is pretty much scientifically JUSTIFIED. Because Australia is so isolated from other landmasses, all the organisms living here are basically in an extreme evolutionary lensman arms race to be more deadly and poisonous and venomous than their competitors. Particularly due to the aforementioned poor soil - not enough food growing, and no way to go elsewhere for more?
, of course!
Please note that this technically means that Australia is the only place in the world where the animals view humans as "
" as opposed to "predators".
A bit of Fridge Horror for at least
invading species in Australia: The Cane Toad. These toads not only
in Australia, they're actively taking over due to the poison they secrete which can kill the native predators with ease. The horror comes in on how the Toad, if it can survive Australia's extremes... HASN'T taken over the rest of the world yet?!
The predators of the South American jungle had a tolerance for its poison and kept its numbers low. Australian farmers gave it a paradise where nothing would eat it, thinking it would protect crops; it did not. No one duplicated that mistake.
Let's also not forget that maybe because of the Cane Toad, Australia has one of the world's strictest Biosecurity rules anywhere. They take it very VERY seriously with items that could potentially HARM the native ecosystem that is trying to kill them in the first place.
And now, on top of everything else, Australia has become the home of
the world's only species of crustacean that is poisonous
"I do not understand why everything in this script must inevitably explode."
Certain things in Paranoia. More specifically,
in Paranoia. One recommendation for bringing a mission to an end when the shafting has ceased to be funny is to have something — anything — explode. Even the
can be dangerously explosive.
Most things in Warhammer 40,000 kind of do this. The races really just have enough guns that blow whatever they are pointed at to atomic smithereens to make a nuclear arsenal look like a lot of nerf guns. And they do it in the most creatively absurd ways possible.
Explosive Reactive Armour is one of the few Real Life examples where being made of explodium is an intentional design
. ERA works by coating a tank's exposed surfaces with carefully designed explosive bricks. When hit by an anti-tank round making use of explosively formed plasma, the ERA brick detonates, "reacting" with an explosion of its own that disrupts the plasma jet, neutralizing the attack. Because the Tank's armour is thick enough to resist the unfocused outward blast blast of the ERA brick, the tank is left completely unharmed, despite lots of shock and awe.
Nuclear bombs, nuclear reactors or any installations handling nuclear fuels. Basically any scenario where the mass of fissionable material goes above its
mass (critical mass is not dangerous and in fact is
for commercial nuclear reactors to provide any usable energy
) and you don't control it or do anything to stop it, it's all over. Though they tend to melt more than explode (save for bombs and major screw-ups like Chernobyl - see "don't control it or do anything to stop it"), they still qualify for this trope.
Finally, every contact explosive, starting with nitroglycerin and ending with nitrogen triiodide. NI3 has been known to explode when exposed to radiation. That's right, a contact explosive so sensitive that
bits of atoms hitting it
will set it off.
Eucalyptus Trees. They're filled with highly-flammable oil, and can literally EXPLODE in bushfires. In the Land Downunder, even the
can kill you. Of course, if it's a tree that gets you, you've been
. Plus, with the ability of several eucalyptus trees to shed dead branches, they don't even
to be made out of explodium to kill you.
He's well known for being a tough General on set, because he shoots and moves at a very fast pace. The movies he makes also probably would have cost 30% more and taken another year to film in the hands of another director (which, when you consider the amount of stuff that's demolished, smashed and blown up in his movies, is a damn impressive thing). Despite a belief that everyone in Hollywood hates him, his ability to work within a budget and demanding a strong work ethic from his crew and actors has earned him a great deal of supporters just for turning film-making into an actual work experience. He is ranked up among the most elite directors in Hollywood today, with strong relationships with friends James Cameron and Steven Spielberg.
Terry Pratchett received a knighthood, and
made his own flippin' sword. With part of a meteorite!
In Greek (or was it Roman?) mythology, a woman who dies in childbirth ends up in Elysium — where HEROES end up because of their great deeds.
Viking women only went to Valhalla — heaven for heroes — if they died in childbirth.
The Spartans would only give a proper funeral to two types of people: men who died in battle, and women who died in childbirth. All others were looked down upon.
"You guys are trying so hard to convince everybody that you're such badasses, but all you've done is highlight who the real badasses are - the kids you kidnapped. Compared to a teenager who knows that her desire for an education could get her dragged into a snake infested jungle to be sold as a bride by some demented stick-chewing cartoon villain, but still gets up and goes to class everyday, fully aware of the danger. Compared to their courage, I'd say Boko Haram is a bunch of little girls. But you know what? You don't deserve that compliment."
Bentsen: Senator, I served with Jack Kennedy, I knew Jack Kennedy, Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy.
There was also the Earth day special where he insulted
for trying to kill the human race time and time again.
Bill Hicks did this a bunch. Most notably, at a show in Chicago when he verbally tore a heckler to pieces. Later during the show, he had a meltdown because of a bunch of other hecklers, which culminated in him yelling:
"HITLER HAD THE RIGHT IDEA, HE WAS JUST AN UNDERACHIEVER!"
This in the middle of a blistering seven-minute rant on how the mere existence of the people he was chewing out was a valid argument in favor of
exterminating the entire human race.
Admittedly, went from Crowning Moment of Awesome to Nightmare Fuel but there's been few people alive who have made such a hardcore "The Reason You Suck" Speech to a person who was standing in front of them.
I repeat then that, by the original compact of government, the United States had certain rights in Georgia, which have never been relinquished and never will be; that the South began the war by seizing forts, arsenals, mints, custom-houses, etc., etc., long before Mr. Lincoln was installed, and before the South had one jot or title of provocation. I myself have seen in Missouri, Kentucky, Tennessee, and Mississippi, hundreds and thousands of women and children fleeing from your armies and desperadoes, hungry and with bleeding feet. In Memphis, Vicksburg, and Mississippi, we fed thousands and thousands of the families of rebel soldiers left on our hands, and whom we could not see starve. Now that war comes to you, you feel very different. You deprecate its horrors, but did not feel them when you sent car-loads of soldiers and ammunition, and moulded shells and shot, to carry war into Kentucky and Tennessee, to desolate the homes of hundreds and thousands of good people who only asked to live in peace at their old homes, and under the Government of their inheritance.
You people of the South don't know what you are doing. This country will be drenched in blood, and God only knows how it will end. It is all folly, madness, a crime against civilization! You people speak so lightly of war; you don't know what you're talking about. War is a terrible thing! You mistake, too, the people of the North. They are a peaceable people but an earnest people, and they will fight, too. They are not going to let this country be destroyed without a mighty effort to save it… Besides, where are your men and appliances of war to contend against them? The North can make a steam engine, locomotive, or railway car; hardly a yard of cloth or pair of shoes can you make. You are rushing into war with one of the most powerful, ingeniously mechanical, and determined people on Earth — right at your doors. You are bound to fail. Only in your spirit and determination are you prepared for war. In all else you are totally unprepared, with a bad cause to start with. At first you will make headway, but as your limited resources begin to fail, shut out from the markets of Europe as you will be, your cause will begin to wane. If your people will but stop and think, they must see in the end that you will surely fail.
I chose not to be here today because I refuse to waste another second of my life in your presence. I've chosen to have my mom read this for me. Phillip Garrido, you are wrong. I could never say that to you before, but I have the freedom now and I am saying you are a liar and all of your so-called theories are wrong. Everything you have ever done to me has been wrong and someday I hope you can see that. What you and Nancy did was reprehensible. You always justified everything to suit yourself but the reality is and always has been that to make someone else suffer for your inability to control yourself and for you, Nancy, to facilitate his behavior and trick young girls for his pleasure is evil. There is no God in the universe that would condone your actions. To you, Phillip, I say that I have always been a thing for your own amusement. I hated every second of every day of 18 years because of you and the sexual perversion you forced on me. To you, Nancy, I have nothing to say. Both of you can save your apologies and empty words. For all the crimes you have both committed I hope you have as many sleepless nights as I did. Yes, as I think of all of those years I am angry because you stole my life and that of my family. Thankfully I am doing well now and no longer live in a nightmare. I have wonderful friends and family around me. Something you can never take from me again. You do not matter any more.
"By what right do they then in return use the poisonous drug to injure the Chinese people? Even though the barbarians may not necessarily intend to do us harm, yet in coveting profit to an extreme, they have no regard for injuring others. Let us ask, where is your conscience?"
"The sweetest joys of life, then, come only with the recognition that you're not special. Because
"Those who deny freedom to others do not deserve it themselves."
Lindsay Lohan's siblings Ali, Mike, and Dakota all tore into their father Michael after he tried to force Lindsay into rehab, without any proof of current drug use. All three basically called him a worthless human being and told him to stay out their lives.
After the murder of Abraham Lincoln, Henrik Ibsen managed to write a true "you really suck"-poem, directed at
every single atrocity
done by the European powers over the better part of the nineteenth century. His most awesome moment in the poem comes when he actually blames the Europeans for the death of Lincoln. "The reason you suck" indeed.
Adam: How dare you make fun of one of the best female role models on the planet for the way she looks. Adele is one of the very few women in pop music that I want my daughter to look up to – and you’re making jokes about the way she looks, when you’re so insecure about your own face, you’ve spent more money on it than the producers of Life of Pi spent on that tiger!
"So this is the guy who wants our records? Isn't he the same commissioner who in 2002 approved the complicated deal that gave Loria the Marlins, betrayed the City of Montreal, and caused Loria's partners to accuse the artful merchant of racketeering?"
Duckworth: Shame on you, you may not have broken any laws, we are not sure yet, you did misrepresent to the [Small Business Administration] but you certainly broke the trust of this great nation. You broke the trust of veterans. Iraq and Afghanistan veterans right now are waiting an average of 237 days for an initial disability rating and it is because people like you who are gaming the system are adding to that backlog so that young men and women who are suffering from post-traumatic stress, who are missing limbs cannot get the compensation and the help that they need.
You Turkish Satan, brother and comrade of the damned devil and secretary to Lucifer himself! What the hell kind of knight are you? The devil [shits] and you and your army swallow [it]. You aren't fit to have the sons of Christians under you; we aren't afraid of your army, and we'll fight you on land and sea. You Babylonian busboy, Macedonian mechanic, Jerusalem beer brewer, Alexandrian goat skinner, swineherd of Upper and Lower Egypt, Armenian pig, Tatar goat, Kamenets hangman, Podolian thief, grandson of the Evil Serpent himself, and buffoon of all the world and the netherworld, fool of our God, swine's snout, mare's [asshole], butcher's dog, unbaptized brow, may the devil steam your ass! That's how the Cossacks answer you, you nasty glob of spit! You're unfit to rule true Christians. We don't know the date because we don't have a calendar, the moon is in the sky, and the year is in a book, and the day is the same with us as with you, so go kiss our [butt]!
Greta Christina I'm angry that in Salt Lake City, 40% of homeless teenagers are gay. Most of them kids that have been kicked out of their house by their Mormon parents. (Beat) Yeah, that's some great family values you got there!
Chris Kluwe It baffles me that a man such as yourself, a man who relies on that same First Amendment to pursue your own religious studies without fear of persecution from the state, could somehow justify stifling another person’s right to speech. To call that hypocritical would be to do a disservice to the word. Mindfucking obscenely hypocritical starts to approach it a little bit.
Hey you desperate guzzler of stagnant douche agua;
I truly do not recall giving you permission to globally reveal any communication between us. Congrats on surviving your lobotomy and an even bigger congratz on the recent attempt at porn. Your daughter must be so proud.
Please send my number to middle earth and if allowed, eagerly follow it into said abyss and slam the door behind you. The world will collectively sigh as the pungent memory of you vanishes into the pedestrian troposphere of lame-suck and zero-life. Oh and I'm sure they'll wave the cover charge when they see your [REDACTED] and five o'clock shadow. BYE!
Mr. Alan, first let me say to you that I am sorry that your family has faced the very difficult struggle of raising two children with autism. I frankly cannot imagine how difficult that has to be for you, your wife, your extended family and friends. I am assuming it is sufficiently tough enough that you felt the need to share your story with the world in the manner in which you did. Having a child with autism was a significant concern of mine prior to the birth of my first child Alexis back in January 2006. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Mr. Alan's story, he has written a book titled I Wish My Kids Had Cancer: A Family Surviving the Autism Epidemic. I will admit, I have not had a chance to read the book yet. I probably will not take the opportunity to read the book either. First, I have not had much time recently to do any type of pleasure reading. But more importantly, I am more than mildly offended by your chosen and blatantly ignorant title.
You see Mr. Alan, until April 10, 2008, I worried about having a child with autism. I was worried about having a child with severe autism and never being able to connect. But then, on April 10, 2008 cancer knocked on our door and without an invitation took up residence in our then 27-mont-old daughter Alexis. And this was not the "good" kind of cancer Mr. Alan. You know, the cancer that you must allude to in your title. The, "go to St. Jude's, go bald, stay at Ronald McDonald House, and then live happily ever after cancer." No Mr. Alan, this was the "your child will be dead within six to nine months from the time of diagnosis." "There are no known treatments." That is the type of cancer that made a life for itself in my daughter's brain.
My daughter battled each and every day for 33 months before she ultimately was stolen away from us on January 14, 2011. I watched as she took her last breath. I watched as her casket was lowered into the ground. That is the type of cancer that found my child. Still wish your kids had cancer Mr. Alan? The simple fact of the matter is that many children do not survive the diagnosis of cancer. Having your child diagnosed with cancer means that there is a very real chance that they will not live. For those who are lucky enough to be labeled survivor, the path beyond that designation is anything but pleasant. Along the road to being labeled a survivor, most of these children are pumped full of 30, 40 and 50-year-old poisons that indiscriminately destroy everything in their path. The child is left unable to eat, sleep, leave a sterile setting, or lift their head off of a pillow. Families lose their houses, jobs, marriages, friends and everything in between. I could inundate you with numbers and statistics, Mr. Alan; however, I am simply trying to demonstrate to you that you have it completely wrong when it comes to your wish that your children had cancer. Feel free to Google "childhood cancer", or even take a few minutes to read a little on my website. Maybe I could change your mind about what you wish for your children.
I am curious if this is the picture of childhood cancer that you had in mind, Mr. Alan? Many parents who hear the words "your child has cancer" have walked the same path that my family walked. In fact, I know more parents and caregivers who have lost a child to cancer than those who have had a child that survived. I am simply here to say to you, Mr. Alan, be careful what you wish for in life. You have every right to pen this book and tell the world your story. In fact, I do not support the petitions directed towards Amazon seeking to have your book removed. You have every right to have your book in the stream of commerce. And, as I said in the beginning of this piece, I have no idea what each and every day is like in your house. I have no knowledge where on the "spectrum" your children fall. I truly feel for your family. There is one fact that I do know, Mr. Alan, and that is at the end of the day, no matter how difficult your life may be, you have the opportunity to actually see your child living and breathing in your house. So, I wish my child did not have cancer. I simply wish my child were healthy. And thus, I am simply suggesting that you educate yourself about the realities of childhood cancer. For many, it is a death sentence. In the future, please do not make such offensive and uneducated statements. I ask you Mr. Alan, do you still wish your kids had cancer?
In 2008, Dave Carroll witnessed his guitar, among others being thrown around on the tarmac by the baggage-handling crew of United Airlines. He arrived at his destination to find his guitar with a broken neck, then went through
nine freakin' months
of trying to negotiate with United, to no avail. So what did he do? He wrote not one, not two, but
epic "United Breaks Guitars" songs, here, here, and here. And the first one got 150,000 views on the day he posted it. And just to make Dave's revenge a little sweeter, since that day, there have been zillions of people sharing stories about what United did to
luggage - don't think anyone in their right mind would fly with United after seeing
. And all of this just for a guitar. Way to go, Dave - best Take That ever.
Anyone who sails around the world with a yacht. Extra bonus if you do it alone. And even more, if you do it
, like this Japanese gentleman.
Philippe Petit aka Man on Wire. Walked a tightrope between the Twin Towers. At the very top. Illegally. With no safety net, harness or anything. They made a film about him, and quite rightly too. When asked why, he replied "There is no why." Awesome.
A three-year-old girl has a staring contest with a lion. AND WINS.
Sanal Edamaruku. An Indian skeptic who publicly challenged an Indian tantrik Pandit Surinder Sharma (one of the most well known spiritual purveyors in India) to kill him on national television. Not only was the tantrik
successful, the event was so hyped that
several hundred million people
tuned in to watch this man completely destroy the tantrik's credibility by literally putting his life on the line.
Years ago, George Lucas wanted to build a small special effects studio at one his properties in Marin County, California, which would have created much needed jobs and revenue for the region and had much support. However, his rich neighbors feared such a thing would lower their land values and they continually tried to block or at least drag out the process of building the studio, and continued to do so for
. In 2012, Lucas finally got sick of his entitled neighbors and finally sold off the property... to a non-profit organization that specializes in building low-income housing projects, and this time, the neighbors couldn't do anything about it.
A deviantArt user was talking to his girlfriend, and asked her if she still loved him after some trouble. Another guy came in and started making fun of him. His response? "Get. The
. Off. My profile. And. The site." The troll has yet to respond.
Now I want a link to that guy's profile so I can find him and congratulate him for being so amazing.
In the middle of the 20th century, New York City banned all Pinball machines on the notion that the game led to delinquency and were a form of gambling. The ban stood for over thirty years; it ended in 1976 when writer Roger Sharpe testified before a committee that pinball was
a game of chance, but required skill and finesse. Sharpe demonstrated this with a courtroom pinball game, capped when he announced that he would launch his next ball through the center lane at the top of the playfield, then proceeded to do so. The committee immediately removed the ban. In a touch of Irony, Sharpe later admits his courtroom success was by sheer luck.
King Charles II of England once got in an epic Take That. One day he was visiting Barbara Palmer, one of his mistresses, when he became suspicious and opened the closet - only to find a very naked young man shivering inside. He looked the young man (John Churchill, the future Duke of Marlborough) up and down contemptuously, then said, "Don't worry, John, I'm not angry at you. I know you're only doing it for the money."
Botanist Johann Sigesbeck criticised Carl von Linné's system of plant taxonomy. In response, Linné, who also was the inventor of the binominal nomenclature, named a small and useless weed Sigesbeckia.
The Russians recently got to the North Pole (or really close to it). The U.S.A. complained what was their right to go to the North Pole and stick
flag in there. The Russian answer? "No one complained when you guys stuck your flag on the moon".
Just to underline what's been mentioned: Autobots. Riding. Dinobots. That's a pretty damn big sight.
Trying to reverse-engineer Decepticons to make your own transformers? No, there's no way
can possibly backfire. Doubles as Do Not Do This Cool Thing.
Kaiju: Grimlock has always been big but he's border-lining this, according to his specifications. According to Bay, Grimlock will be "150 feet long from tail to nostrils, 63.5 feet tall from the ground to the top of his horns, and weigh 850 tons". That's
All of the Dinobots are pretty big. Scorn (the Spinosaurus) is the biggest of them all, being bigger than Grimlock.
Optimus's solution to Galvatron making the drones his new allies and Lockdown coming back to finish what he started? Let the Dinobots loose.
For a more recently extinct animal, one that humans probably did interact with, there's always the Haast's Eagle of New Zealand, at about 3 meters. They hunted moa, which ranged up to 15 times their weight (and are also
bigger than humans
), and lived up until a few hundred years ago.
It has been noted that, based on puncture marks found on moa pelvises, the Haast's Eagle was probably a fairly specialized hunter of the same. Moa were big, feathered bipeds. The earliest Maori colonists were most likely wearing feather cloaks same as they do now. This might have caused... issues.
Similarly, there were the little-known pseudotooth birds, seabirds on steroids that had
on their beaks. The largest, Osteodontornis, capped at a 20ft wingspan. Scientists speculate that it behaved like a modern-day frigatebird (basically the meanest bird on the open seas) and had a throat pouch like a pelican (basically the meanest bird on the beach). Now imagine a beach full of those things. Happy picnicking!
"Birds [...] are the last of the dinosaurs. Tiny velociraptors with wings. Devouring defenseless wiggly things and, and nuts, and fish, and, and other birds. They get the early worms. And have you ever watched a chicken eat? They may look innocent, but birds are, well, they're vicious."
Modern swans are already viciously aggressive. (If one comes towards you hissing,
.) Imagine facing their giant extinct cousins.
Roosters have spurs on their legs. Roosters are apparently territorial. There is a reason why Cockfighting used to be so common. Sometimes their natural spurs would replaced with razors.
Seagulls are likable when it's not the nesting season. When it is, seagulls turn into
divebombing feathered fiends from hell
Steamer ducks. They attack and kill other waterfowl for
no clear reason
Great tits prey on hibernating bats by
ripping their heads off
. These birds are definitely
just seed and insect eaters.
Whether or not they count as birds is up to you, but the predatory dromaeosaurids and caenagnathoid oviraptorosaurs definitely bore bona fide feathers. Among the dromaeosaurids were Deinonychus and Velociraptor, but the largest of them was Utahraptor, which was at least the size of a grizzly bear. Grizzly-bear sized raptors. That might have hunted in packs. The largest oviraptorid was Gigantoraptor, which was almost nine meters long and weighed over a ton, comparable to some tyrannosaurids like Albertosaurus. It would have been the largest feathered fiend known to science if you only count dinosaurs with pennaceous feathers. If you throw protofeathers into the equation things get much more complicated.
They were also very tenacious when defending their nests (which was probably done by the males, by the way). It appears that they would even try to shield their eggs from a sandstorm, as many oviraptorid fossils are found crouching over their nests.
There's this new theory about how dromaeosaurids went about "preparing" their prey: They used their sickle claws to pin their prey down while flapping their wings for balance. Now put yourself in the prey's shoes: You're lying on your back with raptor claws hooked in your skin, and huge wings flapping in your face, while a raptor eats your guts out. The point is... you are alive when they start to eat you.
If you count protofeathers (primitive hair-like feathers), the amount of Fiends grows even higher (and it includes TYRANNOSAURS.)
"F[bleep] you, Nature."
The manchineel: word of caution — try not to shelter from rain under this lovely looking windbreak of a tree. Blisters are the
of your problems. These were once used as a form of slow execution method: tie offender to one's trunk and watch them slowly die painfully of the various toxins.
The Sandbox Tree. It is a poisonous tree. Its bark is covered with spikes. It grows up to 100 feet. Its sap is highly poisonous and corrosive. Its fruits are rather large and explode when mature, catapulting its razor-sharp claw-like corrosive-poison-laced seeds in a 300 feet radius with a loud bang. So, essentially, this tree has a 100m wide Instant Death Radius. If it could walk, it would enslave mankind.
"I mean seriously, fifty people, some tanks and some BATs? Did his hard drive crash or something?"
Badass Normal: Pretty much every recruit in X-Com, in theory. Robert Sachs, a new recruit from the Australian Tactical Assault Group introduced in chapter 24, is a stunning example. He got recruited for killing a Chryssalid.
With a knife
Badass Adorable: Twilight Sparkle — cute enough that even a hardened female X-Com soldier starts squeeing like a little girl over getting to be a contact with her, and with enough telekinetic power to not only smear a Chryssalid with a thought, but to blast apart the containment unit that X-Com performs its "interrogations" in. Keep in mind, this same unit in-game holds everything from the Ethereals to Muton Berserkers.
Chapter 33 puts the emphasis on the
part, when Twilight pretty much singlehandedly
the enemy invasion. This includes shrugging off direct-hit plasma blasts from
In chapter 22, Discord is horrified at the idea of bartering for or stealing souls from other people, because "The soul of a living creature is the purest spark of creativity and change in the universe. It is change, it is hope, it is the drive that every little living thing needs to motivate themselves to get up in the morning and take on the world, or at least their horrible commute and coworkers." Despite this, as fans of the canon are well aware, he sees no problem with doling out Mind Rape For the Lulz. In the same chapter, he also restores Lana to life because he wants her to keep being Twilight's friend.
Continues in chapter 31, where Discord chides and scolds Celestia to her face, for much the same reasons as in chapter 22, then turns around and terrifies the hell out of a changeling acting as a conduit for Chrysalis for celebrating his "weakening" of the ponies.
Vahlen's cold, provocative attitude is really not the smartest one to take when she herself notes that X-Com couldn't hope to build
that would stand up to Twilight's telekinetic blasts. Fortunately, she eventually grows out of it.
Made even worse by the fact Twilight has, and has explained to X-Com that she has, very close social bonds to Princesses Celestia and Luna, either of whom is powerful enough to make Twilight look like a stage magician... and Twilight is pretty damn scary compared to humans as it is. If they come to Earth looking for Twilight, and find she's been Mind Raped and dissected, it would
be good for X-Com.
Lampshaded when the two volunteers agree that they thought a scientist like Vahlen would be "smart enough not to try and brow beat a test subject that could reduce her to a red stain and an unpleasant memory with a thought".
The first Ethereal, also in chapter 33, psionically overpowers Twilight with
In chapter 31 Discord claims that the Elements of Harmony would fail against the Ethereal invasion because the Ethereals and their slave races adhere to their own twisted sense of Order.
In the same chapter, he makes it clear that he believes that Celestia herself would fall into this if he "released her". Fortitude Amicitia, revealing as it does the existence of a "Queen Solaria" who engaged in rampant petrification of ponies for the most petty reasons, implies that he believes this because
she already went this route before
“Is this what the aliens do for fun?”
“At least they’re not reading bad fanfiction on the internet."
In chapter 8, Twilight tells Lana about a friend of hers who has the ability to foresee various events through strange bodily twitches and actions, and that she went kind of crazy trying to figure out how it worked.
Happens again in chapter 20, she is quick to caution Vahlen and the others not to try and figure out how Pinkie does the things she does, citing her own disastrous attempt at doing so.
"Mostly, our reaction to Tianyulong was just 'oh, shit' and nothing further."
Death World: Many of Spec's lifeforms are overly dangerous (ex. there's a species of raptor that likes cutting people's heads off for no reason and penguin-piranhas that are so aggressive they'll even attack the moon) and a lot of animals and plants that want to either kill you or ruin your day.
There's a type of venomous tree!
In chapter 33, Twilight recalls Lana's face having "an emotion Twilight could not comprehend or describe" when the latter was about to beat the shit out of the EXALT infiltrator. It only grows more pronounced when Matt and Vahlen start "acting up".
In the My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic / Mass Effect Fusion Fic, Mass Effect The Equestrian Equation, this is basically why you do
want to pick a fight with the ancient Equines, or their modern-day Equestian descendants. Basically, their instincts are to offer a Last-Second Chance to a potential threat, and then
utterly annihilate them
if they refuse to back down.
Marvel Comics also has Super Hero hate groups. SUPER HERO HATE GROUPS. These people should just form a "Drink-A-Gallon-of-Bleach Club"; it'd be safer.
Samson: The Hulk keeps yelling at you to leave him alone. So my advice is to leave Hulk alone. Watch him by satellite. If he gets near a populated area, send out Hulk alerts the way we send out weather alerts.
Ross: And if America's enemies get hold of him?
Samson: Send condolence cards to America's enemies.
And then there's what she did to Zander Rice in Innocence Lost when she was
pushed too far. Rice tormented her for
at the Facility, including cases of physical abuse that went
off the deep end and into outright Cold-Blooded Torture. When Laura's mother finally had enough and orchestrated her escape, Laura went looking for Rice. She could have
killed him in less than a second, but oh no, that was too good for him. When she cornered him, Laura put away her claws and went to work on him
ten fucking minutes
. Keep in mind Rice's project bred her specifically to be a living weapon and the perfect assassin, so he was
of Laura's capabilities. Somehow he
decided subjecting her to constant abuse
and letting her know he was taking his hatred of Wolverine out on her
was a good idea.
This was deliberately done by Deadpool when he wanted to die: as his Regenerative Factor allowed him to survive or even to resuscitate from things that would have killed
, he decided that being reduced to subatomic particles was his best bet, and pissing off Hulk by
nuking him twice
was the chosen method. Sadly, by the time he managed to get punched Hulk had calmed down enough that Deadpool was merely liquified, and was back in one piece in five days...
J. Jonah Jameson devotes all of his resources to labeling Spidey as a menace to New York that needs to be put down. Nevermind that if Spidey really was the monster Jameson claims, Spidey could have easily killed him years ago.
Linked to Spidey is Shocker, as demonstrated in The Superior Foes of Spider-Man. He's viewed as a joke and a coward by the rest of his team, especially Boomerang who constantly insults and bullies him. This wouldn't be so bad if Shocker wasn't a veteran supervillain wielding a pair of powerful sonic gauntlets that can kill people if they're cranked up enough. Even worse, it soon becomes clear that Shocker is the only one of them who actually knows how to fight. Sure enough this backfires horribly against the gang when Boomerang's jabs go a step too far, causing Shocker to snap and effortlessly beat the shit out of them.
Nicky Cavellla from The Punisher MAX. He wanted to eliminate the Punisher, and thought he could do it by making him clumsy. To do that, Nick dug up the Punisher's family's remains, pissed on them while recording himself doing so, and sent the video to the local news. His plan worked, and Frank stopped being as methodical as he normally is, but with the trade-off that Frank went into such an Unstoppable Rage that he killed several important figures in Cavella's criminal family in one day. The remaining family ditched Cavella and Frank shot him in the stomach.
Ironically, Frank Castle ends up on the wrong side of this himself when he tries to assassinate Norman Osborn... who is, at the time, not only still his Green Goblin self, but also
the President of the United States
AND the leader of the Dark Avengers. The result is that Osborn sends Daken (Wolverine's Ax-Crazy son with the exact same power set) after the Punisher, and he ends up unceremoniously cut into pieces and dumped down a sewer.
In fact, Frank Castle has also made an enemy out of Wolverine himself by shooting him in the face and genitals with a shotgun, then parking a steamroller on top of him, and once shot Anti-Venom in the face and was then going to kill his Morality Chain, Jenna Cole. He was
to get off with
being punched through a wall in the latter case, given Anti-Venom's notorious tendency to kill and/or eat his enemies.
In The Devil's Advocate The Joker is sent to a regular prison, for a crime he was framed for. Another prisoner is displeased with some of the Joker's actions. He starts threatening him, boasting that he has killed over thirty people. This is an extremely unimpressive number to someone like
and it predictably ends badly for him. In his defense though, he may have thought that while Joker was an Ax-Crazy mass-murderer he was an unskilled fighter. The Joker's level of combat skill largely depends on the writer. That being said, pissing off a psychotic mass-murderer is still a dumb move.
Fans at Professional Wrestling shows who jump the rails to attack the wrestlers or interfere in the matches. Professional wrestlers are all either extremely large, extremely muscular, or both. They're also trained and paid to throw their weight around. Not the kind of people you want to mess around with. Individual examples include:
Andre "The Giant" Roussimoff was harassed about his size by four drunks in a bar. Andre attempted to avoid confrontation, but they persisted. Eventually, he chased them out of the bar, and when they locked themselves in their car, he rolled their car over with them in it. Andre was never charged, probably because the police never believed the four drunk guys ranting about an angry giant that knocked their car over.
Davey Boy Smith, the British Bulldog, was harassed by a man in a bar who recognized him. When the point where the man laid hands on him, Davey Boy Smith (at one time considered the strongest man in professional wrestling) put him in a simple headlock, from which the man was unable to extricate himself, no matter how he screamed or struggled. Sadly, Smith walked him over to the bar's bouncer, said, "Can you take care of this?" and when the bouncer said, "I have it," let go. That's when the idiot tripped over his own feet, fell down, and opened up his skull to the brain on a protruding nail. And sued.
Paul "The Big Show" Wight, whose initial wrestling moniker was "The Giant". 7'2 (or 7'4, depending on who's measuring) and between 450 and 500 pounds, is famous for being one of the fastest and most agile super-heavyweights of the modern era, if not ever. So some drunk in a bar decides to insult him and deliberately try to pick a fight with him so he can later sue. Too bad that everyone in the bar — including the bartender and
multiple security cameras
— all witnessed Paul try to talk the guy down for a good five to ten minutes, and not respond until he was struck several times. Then he punched the guy once.
Richard Kuklinski told a story of an associate of his who owed money for gambling debts. Kuklinski vouched for him and told the associate that he should make sure to pay up. The associate told Kuklinski that if Kuklinski didn't continue to vouch for him, he would harm Kuklinski's family. Kuklinski is perhaps better known as "The Ice Man",
a professional assassin
for, among others, the Gambino mafia family. No guesses for how Kuklinski took care of the matter. However, Kuklinksi is widely suspected of having been the teller of tall tales.
Friends of Bruce Lee claim that a man once snuck into Lee's home in order to challenge him to a fight. Supposedly, Lee put the man in the hospital with one kick.
Another (possibly a retelling of the above story) claims that a paparazzi snuck into Lee's home to snap pictures and terrified his kids in the process, resulting in the most powerful kick Lee ever threw.
Nikolai Valuev is a 7 foot tall, 320 pound professional boxer with a record of 53-2-1. Yet, a 61 year old man STILL decided to cuss out his wife over a parking spot. Needless to say, the first punch literally knocked him several feet through the air.
The attack on Pearl Harbor in World War II. Yamamoto may or may not have actually said the "sleeping giant" line, but we do know that he mentioned his misgivings regarding this to his superiors:
Yamamoto: In the first six to twelve months of a war with the United States and Great Britain, I will run wild and win victory upon victory. But then, if the war continues after that, I have no expectation of success.
In doing so, Horde Warchief Garrosh Hellscream has not only declared war on the Alliance, but also the avowedly neutral Kirin Tor and the blue dragonflight.
And on top of that, odds are fairly good that both the Alliance and the Horde will piss off the pandaren, most notably the Shado-Pan, whose leader is outspokenly against the faction hostilities brought to Pandaria's soil, dismissing it as a race war and calling the factions out for trying to pull the pandaren into it. Considering that Pandaria has a built-in defense mechanism called the Sha that react to and spawn from a variety of negative emotions, all of which both Red and Blue bring with them, and whose modus operandi is rampaging through the countryside until stopped, odds are increasingly in favor of Red and Blue getting a handy asskicking before this is all over.
That is they'll be
one considering that A:The sha have more or less been beaten down already and B:Both sides are already studying them for further conflicts (And in the case of the horde, weaponizing).
Audie Murphy in Hollywood. Wannabe macho types would take one look at this wiry little five-foot-eight man with the babyface and the soft, high-pitched voice and say: "
the most decorated American soldier of WWII? I bet I could take him." Murphy had been a scrapper in school and in the Army due to his hot temper, small size and Embarrassing First Name, and practiced boxing and judo in Hollywood. He invariably curbstomped his attackers with anything that was handy, ranging from riding crops to lead pipes to bricks. Eventually he got tired of having to deal with these clowns, and finagled a concealed-carry permit from his friends in the LAPD. After that, he would usually just pull a .45 service pistol on the troublemakers and make them back down without a fight, which saved considerable wear and tear on his knuckles and their faces.
Baby kittens are the size and approximate weight of two fists placed end to end, but will usually attack almost anything in sight, from big scary dogs to a full grown human.
Tim Langdell (Owner and sole employee of Edge Games) made a career out of bullying dragons — he had numerous dubious trademarks on the word Edge and would force settlements out of companies to use the word, using doctored evidence to make it look like he was maintaining the trademarks (and they were thus valid) when he actually wasn't. Amusingly, his downfall came partially from picking on someone his own size — although it was ultimately the biggest, nastiest dragon he tangled with (one Electronic Arts) that humiliated him in court and forced him into a settlement that was very much in their favor (including forcing him to withdraw many of his trademarks), their legal case was based in large part on evidence gathered by indie game developers and enthusiasts after they bullied small independent developer Mobigame, having their title Edge removed from the iPhone App Store and threatening them with legal action if they tried to reinstate it.
John "Totalbiscuit" Bain has had several problems with indie game developers putting copyright strikes against his YouTube channel after he gives their games extremely scathing reviews, only to back down after TB or his fanbase tear them apart. One of them (the makers of Guise of the Wolf) actually threatened to sue, only to back down when Totalbiscuit encouraged them to do so, knowing that no sane prosecutor would willingly take a losing case (as reviews are constitutionally protected) as well as having Polaris' lawyers at his back.
North Korea, while having a very large military in personnel, and having the highest percentage of military spending to GDP (25%), still fall under this trope, since their army is generally poorly fed, equipped with outdated weapons, and spends a lot less on its military than South Korea does (which spends almost as much on its military as North Korea has a GDP). Yet they still have broken the cease-fire agreement with the south many times and constantly advocates its wish to crush South Korea and the US. They only get away with it because they are backed by their own dragon, China (and even China's beginning to get sick of putting up with their crap). Their nuclear arsenal make them a very dangerous enemy to South Korea (provided they could successfully launch a nuclear missile, which is questionable). Nevertheless, threats against the United States still fall under this trope.
Burt Reynolds tells a story of meeting Rocky Marciano. Reynolds sized up the former heavyweight champion boxer and thought to himself that he could probably take him. Rocky immediately leaned forward and said, "Don't even think about it!" When Reynolds asked how he knew what he was thinking, Marciano simply replied, "I
know." Apparently Marciano had trouble with people thinking they could best the champ.
Aaron Barr of HB Gary Federal publicly bragged on the Internet about how he was going to take down Anonymous using social engineering, after having done "research" on potential criminals — in reality, mostly innocent people who passively supported them, which pissed Anonymous off to a huge degree. Yes,
Anonymous. It... didn't end well for him. After the resulting digital Curb-Stomp Battle, he was forced to resign in disgrace. Stephen Colbert said it best:
Stephen Colbert: "Now, to put that in hacker terms, Anonymous is a hornets' nest, and Barr said, 'I'm going to stick my penis in that thing'. Because, faster than you could say, 'Get these hornets off my penis!' Anonymous took down Barr's website, stole his emails, deleted the company's backup data, trashed his twitter account, and remotely wiped his iPad."
Anyone stupid enough to intentionally piss off Anonymous or doing acts that get their attention will usually not survive the backlash they will receive. The Zeta drug cartel are one of the exceptions (specifically, the Zetas threatened to kill people if Anonymous messed with them) — so in that case, it was one dragon bullying a nastier dragon.
Duncan Ferguson is a Scottish footballer. He is often known as Duncan Disorderly. Despite this, he has been burgled twice — while he was home. End result, the burglars get the crap beaten out of them.
Angry crowds can be dragons too. Akku Yadav was a criminal who had been committing rape and murder in the Indian city of Chennai for over a decade, and getting away with it due to police corruption. When he was brought into court, he spotted a woman in the crowd he had raped and called her a whore. This utterly enraged the crowd, which consisted of over 200 women, and he was brutally lynched on the spot.
In spite of all the various cases on Twitter of jokes being taken deadly seriously (this case being one of the most worrying and infamous), it hasn't stopped people from jokingly trying to tweet terror threats to airlines. This, needless to say, is a
stupid thing to do, causing the perpetrator to promptly beg and say that it was a joke to no avail.
A group of thugs reportedly sized up Chuck Norris, not believing his badassery to be real (memes aside, Chuck Norris is a highly skilled martial artist with multiple black belts, including one in a style he invented himself). When the police showed up a few minutes later, Chuck was leaning amicably against the wall and the thugs' arms were broken so badly the police were afraid to handcuff them lest their injuries become even more severe. That and the cops were laughing themselves sick at the whole situation.
Reportedly, one of the officers asked the injured thugs something like "Do you not know who this man
?" to which they responded "Yeah, we know, but we thought the stuff on TV was fake!"
In 2007, a gorilla named Bokito escaped from his enclosure in a Dutch zoo, seized a female visitor, and dragged her around, inflicting several bone fractures and over a hundred bite wounds on her, before entering a nearby restaurant and causing a panic that resulted in the wounding of three more people. The first victim had been visiting the gorilla exhibit four times a week, always placing her hands on the glass, making eye contact with Bokito and smiling at him. She was told by zookeepers to not do that because gorillas see it as a sign of aggression, but she ignored them, claiming to have a "special bond" with the gorilla.
A rather well-known video shows an Iraqi insurgent firing a rifle down a street... At an M1 Abrams tank... It doesn't end well...
"Prophet is concerned that this will make the aliens come back...But everyone blows him off, and sure enough, the aliens come back. Wow, who could have seen that coming? If only there were someone around here whose name means "someone who predicts things'!"
There's just no limits to the boundaries you push
I warned you but still you just fuck with my mind,
There's no escape from this rage that I feel,
Nothing is real
It is even more foolhardy
For the changed and weakened party
To stare back at the balrog and to say,
"We can zap and we can bite you,
We are quite prepared to fight you,
We suggest you turn around and fly away!"
And that's called insulting the balrog
For balrogs aren't easy to bluff
They know with a competent balrog,
No army is half strong enough
Loki: What have I to fear?
Tony: Let's do a headcount here: your brother, the demi-god; the super-soldier, a living legend who kinda lives up to the legend; a man with breathtaking anger management issues; couple of master assassins — and
, big fella, you've managed to piss off every single one of them.
Loki: That was the plan.
Tony: Not a great plan.
Remember, it's important to be nice to the lady that can destroy star systems.
"Strike me again, and I will bury that rod in your spark."
I always wondered how long real-world persecution of mutants would last. "We had ourselves a lynching party last night for that mutant SOB!" "How'd it go?" "Well, we lost about seven people, and the mutant survived. But we think it’ll go better next time!"
Vladimir has 10,000 tanks and you have three. Why would you start a war? Discuss.
"There are some flaws in this movie.... Not to mention so very stupid lapses in the scriptwriting. Take for example a scene where Kara lands on Earth and two white crackers immediately try to rape her. She is dressed in her Supergirl outfit and is clearly using her powers. The white crackers simply dismiss this though and say “Heh, this girl has fight in her hyuck hyuck.” I’ll say! She’s Supergirl! You are trying to rape Supergirl. Are your inbred synapses so slow to fire you can’t figure that out you brain dead hillbillies!? "
"Telling a lion-man of the Full Moon to "yiff in hell" is almost always a horrible idea as he can rip you and thousands like you to pieces without even trying. Yet it is still totally worth it"
Huey: People say the brawl at the basketball game teaches kids a bad lesson. I disagree! I think Ron Artest taught a lot of kids a valuable lesson that day. Don't talk trash and throw things at an agitated black man, or stand near anyone who does, or a wholesale a** whuppin' may descend upon you like a Florida hurricane.
Caesar: I wonder why they don't teach that in school?
"Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy, and good with ketchup."
"Let me get this straight. You think that your client, one of the wealthiest, most powerful men in the world, is secretly a vigilante who spends his nights beating criminals to a pulp with his bare hands, and your plan is to
this person? Good luck."
District Attorney: Do you know who you're fucking with here?! I'll have your badge, you moron!
Cop 1: Shut up. You found anything back there?
Cop 2: 'Found anything'? He's got
half of Mexico
in here! Must be two tons of Mary here!
D.A.: What? But... but I've never seen... how could it have...?
Cop 1: Eloquent defense you got there, buddy! (slams D.A.'s head into the windshield)
"And people actually attack you? Voluntarily?"
"In four years, I have made no threat - and fanatics have lined up to hate us simply because we exist."
Slughorn: I might have been in hiding, but some funny rumors have reached me since Dolores Umbridge left! If that's how you treat teachers these days-—
Dumbledore: Professor Umbridge ran afoul of our centaur herd. I think you, Horace, would have known better than to stride into the forest and call a horde of angry centaurs "filthy half-breeds".
Slughorn: That's what she did, did she? Idiotic woman. Never liked her.
"You have strucked Hercules."
"Never laugh at a live dragon,
"Anyone who fights us is either stupid or on Saren's payroll. Killing the latter is business. Killing the former is a favor to the universe."
Nick: Are you pickin' a fight wif' me?
Narrator: Anyone with half a brain would know that this question, asked in this tone of voice, by a man of this size, has exactly one correct answer.
Enireth Frat Boy G: Yes I am. What are you going to do about it?
Narrator: That was not it.
Batman: One hellspore can turn an entire planet into a firepit, what will happen to Apokolips when 500 go off, simultaneously?
Darkseid: You Dare! YOU DARE!? (Throws Batman into a column) I could destroy you with a single blast of my Omega Beams.
Batman: You could, but that wouldn't stop the hellspores would it? (Darkseid throws Batman into a wall)
Please. Mitch Mitchelston had it coming. He was a bastard who thought he could pick on outcasts with deformities. He was a dumb ass who thought he could spend the rest of his days poking a bear, and foolishly expecting to never be mauled. Mitch Mitchelston - what a fucking idiot.
Smaug: Did my people not warn you?
Stephen Colbert: Of what?
Smaug: Never laugh at a live dragon, mother*BLEEP*!
(Looks at small switchblade) "That's not a knife." (draws massive bowie knife) "
''If you accost a barefoot laborer digging in the mud of a turnip field and stained glass golems suddenly lurch out of nearby sheds or the columns of a barn come to life, and gemstones float out of the man's pockets to circle his head and spit lightning at you — well, you've found one of those fabled jewelers of Irl...
Metallic dragons intentionally invoke this trope. One of their favorite tricks in combating evil is to use their Shapeshifting ability (many metallics have this upon birth) to turn into something that seems weak. When some evil idiot takes the bait, they don't have very long to live. It's actually a part of their mythology: one story involves an apparently harmless old man who would entertain travelers with his seven trained canaries. Then a band of ogres, led by an ogre mage, started down the road to kill or rob all the folks on it... and found that the old man was the metallic dragon god Bahamut, and those canaries were all great wyrm gold dragons in disguise.
Al-Qadim has a tale about "why dragons so rarely appear over the place". A big red from North flew in only to immediately get himself into troubles with the local populace. Until he was reduced to telling his woes to the next creature he met. The "child" heard the story, gently told the dragon those people did in fact go easy on him because he doesn't know better and there's folk whom
obey without question — and helped the poor battered, hungry and tired lizard, returning him to the sweet home. On an intercontinental guided whirlwind. The moral, of course, is "try not to annoy genies, or just in case, anyone."
In any of the Star Wars RPGs, a Jedi can look like
. Keep that in mind when the off-world stranger you're harassing in a bar says, "You REALLY don't want to do this." It only gets more fun if the hapless dopes tick off a disguised Sith instead.
Tamaki: Yeah, um, up yours, buddy. If you're the devil, you can kiss my ass and tempt someone else.
Khorne: WHY WOULD I WANT TO KISS THAT AREA OF YOUR BODY?
In Dragon Age The Crown Of Thorns, the Wise Prince dwarven noble Guile Hero protagonist goes through a near death experience and, thinking he'd going to die, tells the Archdemon (who'd chose that time to psychically assault him) to go screw itself. Needless to say, many chapters after he doesn't die, bad things happen.
Spike: Y'know, when I heard that "The Demon God Tirac" was loose I was kinda expecting something more, I dunno, sinister and menacing! I really wasn't expecting some mugging chucklehead crooning clichés like a Saturday morning cartoon villain!
Darth Vulcan doesn't hesitate to tell Celestia and Luna exactly what he thinks of them, even when he's imprisoned and at their mercy.
He also does this literally to Sombra at one point.
Darth Vulcan: "This is a bunny rabbit." (holds up Angel Bunny for all to see) "It is a device for turning carrots into love."
Break the Haughty: Diamond Tiara. BIG TIME. Kidnapped by a warlock, told repeatedly by that warlock no one cares for her, only for it to be confirmed before her eyes by the illusions created as an anti-spy measure against Vulcan, faced with the realization that her daddy can't save her, abused by the Diamond Dogs, and in a final act of humiliation, is put on a dog leash, given a doggy bowl, and is found by ponies she repeatedly humiliated.
Filthy Rich undergoes this too. He attempted to cheat Vulcan out of his money and sell him out to the authorities. His actions led to his daughter being kidnapped, forcing him to spend sleepless nights worrying about her, Ponyville being looted by Vulcan's army, and then Vulcan calling him out on this in front of the entire town, destroying his reputation. He is misled into thinking Diamond Tiara is dead, and when he finds her, he breaks down realizing he couldn't save her.
Combat Pragmatist: Vulcan, as befitting his Genre Savvy-ness. He goes for collateral targets, distracts, fights dirty, forces a Sadistic Choice or two, and exploits any possible advantage and/or Loophole.
His main resource for a battle, magic, did not work on Big Boss? Magic-up his own hoard and kill him with it.
He is fireproof, but his enemy isn't? He fireballed a shield from the inside, catching himself in the process. Shining Armor is now sporting a rather unfaltering haircut.
Facing the Royal Guard
the princesses? Toss the ground-bound troops off the mountain, knowing that the good guys will do anything to save them, even if it means letting him escape.
He's started having his blacksmiths forge crude but effective guns, and isn't above using them in battle. As Tirek found out the hard way.
Cut Lex Luthor a Check: Zigzagged when Vulcan recruits the Flim Flam brothers — he goes into one of his trademarked "Reason You Suck" speeches on how they've been wasting their innovations on cons instead of revolutionizing Equestrian society, only for them to reveal that they
that, but were stymied by Equestria's dedication to Medieval Stasis. Half the reason they join Vulcan is because he offers them a chance to cause social upheaval with their inventions (the other half being money).
Did You Just Punch Out Cthulhu?: As it turns out, Discord's own Lovecraftian nature makes him magic - as in, literally made of magic. This makes anything capable of inflicting Mana Drain or Mana Burn on him highly dangerous, possibly even fatal. Guess what happens when Discord and the powers of the Amulet clash? A tactical retreat was a sensible choice.
Darth shoots Tirek dead when he tries to steal Vulcan's magic.
Hoist by His Own Petard. Big Boss, a dragon who obtained a massive hoard of gems by enslaving the Diamond Dogs, is defeated when Vulcan uses his magic to form talons
from the gems and metals of that very hoard
and smashes him around repeatedly with them. And
, Vulcan seals his mouth and nostrils shut with that treasure, causing the backfire that blows Big Boss' head off.
Lampshade Hanging: Ubiquitous. Vulcan likes to point out all the strange, illogical things that happen in the show. Many of them have no real answer, or it is a really stupid answer... however, handles on things and non-hoof-friendly tools are explained as being minotaur-made, given that most species do have hands or claws - that makes it a near-literal Hand Wave. Vulcan is simultaneously amazed and underwhelmed, somehow.
Darth Vulcan: "That's both surprisingly sensible and vaguely disappointing."
Miscarriage of Justice: A group of handicapped pegasi endured a terrible one: a rogue tornado from the Everfree forest was about to destroy an Earth pony town so they flew into the storm and destroyed it. They did do some minor damage to an upper class Pegasus town, but the town's officials, rather than thank them, threw charges at them to cover up for their own incompetence, gave them no legal representation or help from their families, and forced them into
of community service in exchange for dropping the fallacious charges, when the maximum time should have been
. Their supervisor was a Social Darwinist pegasus who constantly abused them and lorded over their lives, and any complaints against him were ignored. And after the sentence was fulfilled, the supervisor revealed their criminal charges at their
, blacklisting them from any decent career, and causing one of the pegasi to have their filly taken away by the courts.
Noodle Incident: Ponies being irresponsible with portals to the Void is something that has happened before, much to Luna's annoyance. Apparently, somepony used the Void as
the odds of anything hitting something are infinitesimal. Either the Void plays by other rules, or the unicorn was just unlucky enough for his garbage to piss off a Shoggoth.
Pass the Popcorn: When Vulcan assigns Eiderdown to serve Dodger, as her way of paying off her debt to Vulcan, he and Chrysalis decide to enjoy some nachos while watching Dodger's attempts at dealing with his crush on her.
Playing with Fire: Vulcan likes to resort to Kill It with Fire several times (even if it didn't pan out against Big Boss), he also fireproofed himself; Shining Armor's shield is a confined space, Shining Armor is not fireproof. Do the math. Shining only survived because Vulcan is a Genre Savvy Noble Demon.
Punch Clock Villain: Discussed. When the heroes discuss how Darth Vulcan has the loyalty of his dogs, Rarity points out it's only because he keeps them well fed. However, Shining rightly points out that only taking care of a pack that size is no no small feat, and that nobody had ever cared about them before.
Tom the Dark Lord: Lampshaded by Vulcan, who upon revealing his true name to Celestia, tells her that he used an alias because no one would be scared of "the Dread Sorcerer Ted".
What the Hell, Townspeople?: The remedial class pegasi save Hilltop/Cirrus from a rogue tornado by using a makeshift bomb to disperse it. The town thanks them by making their lives absolute hell for it because it caused minor damages throughout town.
The whole town was like this well before the rememdials incident — The town's primary source of income was funds from various crown relief projects; they moved Cirrus over Hilltop in the first place to get special duel city status; their remedial program was a dumping ground for even slightly bad students because the crown funds for it depended on how full it was; and the whole reason the tornado happened at all was because the weather patrol in the area was barely even a skeleton crew, which again was so they could get a generous relief fund from the crown, much of which was placed in politicians' pockets. When Vulcan's raid on the town reveals all this, not only are all of the town's politicians indicted, but Twilight cuts off crown funding to the towns altogether.
A Wizard Did It: Vulcan ultimately comes to the conclusion that if he doesn't understand anything in Equestria, it's because of magic.
You Are What You Hate: For all the contempt he has on bronies and cosplayers who go to conventions, Ted/Darth Vulcan is very much a closet geek who is into real time strategy games and plays old school NES (even if not quite by choice due to his allegedly cheapskate parents) games and admits to being a cosplayer himself in his own mind/first person narrative, with the weak justification that he only dresses in costume for Halloween because it's "socially acceptable". The monniker of Darth Vulcan was inspired by the in the original Back to the Future's where Marty freaks out the 1955 version of his dad by putting on his radiation suit and claims to be "Darth Vader from the Planet Vulcan" in his attempt to set history straight again and get his parents together to secure his future. It goes well into hypocrite levels when some of his narrative hints at being at a Dungeons and Dragons player, a geekdom sub-group who have suffered from even worse criticism, prejudice AND persecution than bronies due to lies perpetrated by Moral Guardians about players of the game being devil worshipers years ago IRL.
Green Thumb: Twilight gained her cutiemark when a spell gone out of control (thanks to Fluttershy's Cloudboom) put her in direct rapport with every single plant in Sweet Apple Acres. Even after the event died down, she maintains a constant link with surrounding plantlife, expending half of her magic supply to do so (and she has a massive supply). Not only can she persuade plants to do anything from dropping their fruit to moving around for her, she managed to locate and send a message to Jackie halfway across Equestria simply by exploiting the link between plants until she found something within range of the target, and later grew apples allowing the consumer to teleport. (For reference's sake, a conventional location spell would take several lifetimes to cover the expected distance. Exploiting Equestria's plantlife took
Rarity: Discord, the Spirit of Disharmony? Good evening, my name is Rarity Bell. As a member of the country and world of Equestria, I ask you to cease any and all supernatural activity and return forthwith to your place of origin, or to the next convenient parallel dimension.
Villains Act, Heroes React: Subverted by Rarity, who believes that Nightmare Moon is only the first sealed-away evil from Equestria's shady history to break free. As such, she and her friends start cataloguing every myth and legend they can find (including Tirek, Discord and the Smooze) and evaluate them for relevance and threat level. However, sending the Cutie Mark Crusaders to inspect Discord was probably not a wise idea.
In 2008, two men with machetes tried to rob a club in Australia. Inside were fifty members of a motorcycle club, who promptly grabbed the bar stools, chased down the thieves and hogtied one of them.
In 2010, three men in South Africa, armed with a firearm and and knife, attempted to rob some schoolchildren. The schoolchildren responded by stoning one of the assailants to death.
Dressing up policewomen like Ms. Fanservice and sending them out to troll for johns is standard practice for vice squads worldwide. Muggers and psychos occasionally fall for their act, and get snapped up by the decoy or her backup.
This is the entire basis of pedo-hunting, whether by the FBI or Anonymous. You pose as a gullible young girl, wait to be solicited by a child molester, track them down, and either arrest them or just ruin their life.
In the late Roman Republic a young Upper-Class Twit, who went by the totally innocuous name of Gaius Julius Caesar, was captured and held to ransom by some Pirates. While being held prisoner on the ship, the personable Caesar befriended the pirates, and made jokes that when he was ransomed he was going to come back and kill them all. The pirates laughed at their captive's great sense of humor. Later, they found out he wasn't joking.
In 1890 the three Dalton brothers and two henchmen came riding into Coffeyville, Kansas in order to gain fame by robbing two banks at once across the street from each other. Of course there were problems with this scheme notably that before their job was done word got out among the townsfolk. And a typical Western town had a lot more than five people, and an awful lot of guns.
Some young men were routinely killing dogs in their neighborhood and killed one small Labrador. The owner came home, pursued them in his car with a gun, then held them at gun point until the Texas Rangers appeared and arrested them. The men threatened the man who had held them at gunpoint, saying he did not know who he was messing with. The man then had the Texas Rangers reveal to the men who had killed his dog that he was Marcus Luttrell, an ex-Navy SEAL, who had won a firefight against roughly 80 Taliban fighters and was the only survivor of the battle, after dispatching every enemy fighter.
Two "tough guys" tried to rob Chuck Norris with knives, under the assumption that what he did in Walker, Texas Ranger was all fake. The two ended up with arms so broken that bones were sticking out. The police didn't even handcuff them, partly out of concern for the thugs' injuries, and partly because they were laughing too hard to get the cuffs out.
A man asks a driver for a lighter then pulls out a gun. His victim complied initially... until the mugger let his guard down and showed him why it's a bad idea to mug a Mixed Martial Arts fighter. He ended up with two black eyes, cuts all over his face and a self inflicted gunshot wound to the ankle.
Charles Bronson once related a story in which he was vacationing in Italy, and a mugger came up behind him with a knife and said "You give me money". Bronson turned around and said "No, you give
money." The mugger ran upon realizing he'd just tried to mug the star of Death Wish.
One such incident has become fondly-recalled lore in the Society For Creative Anachronism: After a Society event in New York City, a lady who uses the name "Sir Trude Lacklandia" was walking home late at night and assaulted by several muggers. When she refused to hand over her cash, one tried to stab her with a six-inch knife - only to have the blade turned by the chainmail she was wearing under her woolen cloak. She then drew her (very real) sword, said "I'll see your six, and raise you thirty-five!" before chasing the muggers off. A bard in the SCA afterwards wrote a humorous song about it]], which has become quite popular.
Around 2008 in Canada, two rednecks in a pick-up truck come across a guy and his girlfriend in a fancy car. They heckle him with lots of cursing and insults while driving right behind them and filming the incident on their camera the whole time. The guy in the fancy car is eventually cornered by the two rednecks at a dead-end; when the rednecks get out of their truck with a baseball bat and walk toward the guy, the guy pulls out a handgun and tells them to back off. The guy's girlfriend takes the camera, and the guy takes the rednecks' truck key and tosses it in a nearby sewer before driving off and later uploading the camera footage to YouTube.
In 2009, a burglar broke into the house that four undergrad medical students were living in late at night. They had already had a Playstation and two laptops stolen earlier that week. When one of the students heard the noise downstairs, he investigated, armed with a
. When he encountered the burglar, the burglar lunged at him. The med student severed the burglars hand and then slashed him down the torso, causing him to die of blood loss at the scene.
In Lebanon in the 1980s, terrorist groups frequently kidnapped Western diplomats and held them hostage. Not so much with representatives of the USSR. As the (perhaps apocryphal) story goes, there was a reason for that. A terrorist group once kidnapped a Soviet diplomat, then cut off his finger, which was sent to the Soviet embassy in Beirut as proof that they had him. The Soviet response, after a short KGB "investigation," was to send a box to the terrorist leader containing his beloved brother's
. The hostage was swiftly released, and Soviet diplomats were never bothered again.
The same thing occurred with a group of terrorists who took a Lebanese airliner hostage. After the plane was retaken with no casualties, the Lebanese authorities sat the terrorists in the first row of the first class seats, put towels around their necks, and slit their throats. Never attack a group of people perfectly willing to go
farther than you.
In 2007 a terrorist attack on Glasgow Airport using an incendiary device failed to take into account the presence of Glaswegians. A nearby cab driver intervened, resulting in a magnificent newspaper headline in the Daily Record: "I kicked burning terrorist so hard in balls I tore a tendon in my foot."
A semi-common occurrence back when Mongol tribes roamed the Eurasian Steppes was when unknowing bandits would come across a Mongol camp and realize that all the men were off raiding or otherwise occupied, and figured that the women and children would be easy pickings. Right?
. In Mongol societies
learned how to ride and shoot a bow from the time they could walk, including the women who stayed home to guard the camps, and the bandits would soon find themselves at the mercy of the best horse archers in the world, the descendants of whom are still unmatched even in the era of modern technology.
A serial pervert in Pittsburgh got the bright idea to yank down the pants of a woman who was jogging past him in a park to grab her butt, but little did he know she was a US Federal Marshal — i.e. someone whose
it is to chase down criminals — who promptly identified herself, chased after him, kicked him in the crotch when he resisted arrest and beat the shit out of him. The Marshal's only injury was to her pinky finger.
In 1923, a down-on-his-luck young man in need of the money to get home snuck into a neighboring hotel room and started to make off with a wallet, watch, and an ornate charm. The tenant of the hotel room woke up and politely asked the man to leave the charm, as it had sentimental value to him. The robber examined the charm and froze in horror. It read "Presented by the Massachusetts Legislature to Calvin Coolidge." He was robbing
the President of the United States
. Subverted when Coolidge then loaned him the money to get home and helped him sneak past the Secret Service.
There’s a kids’ anime about soccer that has a surprisingly decent Quetzalcoatlus character.
He’s called Tochan (meaning “Dad,” as he’s a human character’s adoptive parent) and… well, look at him! Plantigrade feet, stands on all fours, not a bat wing in sight. He even has visible pteroid bones with propatagia. (The pteroid is the little knob that sticks out partway down each arm, and the propatagium is the flight membrane attached to the pteroid.) ’Course, I have no idea how this thing is able to play soccer, but that’s beside the point.
Ain’t he cute? Anyway, compare Tochan with the pterosaurs on this leaked bit of Jurassic World merchandise. What are those shrink-wrapped abominations? Why does the Pteranodon-thing have weird wannabe bird feet? If the merch is anything to go by, Jurassic World officially has less accurate pterosaurs than a
children’s cartoon about magical soccer
Well, I'm fuckin' using THIS for my setting.
HE IS THE RAPTOR LORD.
HE IS STEVE IRWIN RETURNED.
I AM PLEASED.
-The fact that this really is shaping up to be Raptor Buddy Cops: the movie is the best thing.
-THEY MADE THIS MOVIE JUST FOR ME.
-All I see is How to Train Your Raptor.
-"I am the raptor guardian. Guardian of the raptors."
-"The Indominus rex quivers before him.”
-”SIC ‘EM, MY BROTHERS!!!”
-TAMEABLE RAPTORS. YESSSSS.
Some of you are reblogging because you think its funny that programmers would talk to ducks. I’m reblogging because I think its funny picturing a programmer explaining their code, realizing what they did when they explain the bad code, then grabbing the strangling the duck while yelling “WHY WAS THE FIX THAT SIMPLE!? AM I GOING BLIND!”
AS A PROGRAMMER I CAN TELL YOU THAT THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU FUCKING DO WE HAD TO BAN THE DUCKS FROM MY CLASSES BECAUSE EVERYONE WOULD FLIP THE DUCK OR THROW IT AT A WALL OR SOMETHING WHEN THEY FIGURED OUT THE PROBLEM IN THEIR CODE!
And thus the scientifically inaccurate pterosaur uprising began.
I'M FUCKING DYING I CANNOT DO THIS-I'M CRYING TEARS! REAL TEARS!
WILL SOMEONE PLEASE ADD THE GIF OF SCOOBY DOO WITH THE TRASH CAN LIDS TO THIS POST
This is exactly how physics does not work.
My mother doesn’t believe that people who aren’t children can enjoy animated movies. Please help me prove her wrong.
Pushin’ 40, mate.
Imagine if the oceans were replaced by forests and if you went into the forest the trees would get taller the deeper you went and there’d be thousands of undiscovered species and you could effectively walk across the ocean but the deeper you went, the darker it would be and the animals would get progressively scarier and more dangerous and instead of whales there’d be giant deer and just wow.
Kitties are kitties, no matter what size.
I usually have to resist reblogging this stuff because it’s pretty damn painful to look at.
But this. This is a whole other level. YOU DENSE MOTHERFUCKER.
Town designed to look like a drought burdened desert
-That is stealhy as fuck imagine looking down on that shit from an airplane yo would never know there was a fucking city down there
-Imagine if there was an alien invasion we should all go hide there
Bruce Lee plays ping pong with nunchucks like a boss
-This is that shit you reblog every single time you see it on your dash. This man is a beast.
-Holy fuck. My jaw actually dropped.
It’s still there
There’s another story that I like about a Chinese general who had to defend a city with only a handful of soldiers from a huge enemy horde that was in all likelihood going to steamroll the place flat within hours of showing up.
So when said horde did arrive, they saw the general sitting outside the city’s open gates, drinking tea. The horde sent a couple of emissaries over to see what was what, and the general greeted them cheerfully and invited them all to come and take tea with him.
The horde decided that this was a scenario that had “MASSIVE FUCKING TRAP” written all over it in beautiful calligraphy and promptly fucked off.
Whoever that general was, he was clearly the Ancient Chinese equivalent of Sam Vimes.
-"Did he just invite us over for tea?! Nah man, I’m out."
-This just keeps getting better
-I fucking love history.
So, this story is the Romance of Three Kingdoms, and essentially takes place between Zhuge Liang, resident tactician extraordinaire, and Sima Yi… OTHER resident tactician extraordinaire.
The two were both regarded as tactical geniuses and recognized the other as their rival. Zhuge Liang had a reputation for ambushing the SHIT out of his opponents and using the environment to his advantage, thus destroying large armies with a small number of men. Sima Yi (who kind of entered the picture later) was a cautious person whose speciality was unravelling his opponent’s plans before they began. So it was natural that the two would butt heads; however, since Sima Yi tended to have more men and resources, he started winning battles against the former. Which, y’know, kinda sucked.
On to the actual story: Zhuge Liang is all like “Shit, I gotta defend this city with like 10 men.” Literally if he fights ANY kind of battle here, he WILL lose; his only option for survival is not to fight. And that’s looking more and more impossible until he hears that his rival is leading the opposing army. And then he gets this brilliant idea. He basically opens all the gates, sends his men out in civilian clothes to sweep the streets, and sits on top of the gate drinking tea and chilling out and basically makes the whole thing out to be a trap.
When Sima Yi comes he’s all like “Yo, come on in bro”
and Sima Yi is like “Yeah he’s never been that obvious about his traps before. this is definitely a bluff” and he’s about to head in when he realizes:
Wait. he knows that I think he’s bluffing.
And so he gets it in his head that maybe, just MAYBE, Zhuge Liang has this cunning plan that will wipe out his army - recall that he has a pretty good handle on what his rival is capable of. And after a long period of deliberation (which is just like “he know that I know that he knows that etc.”), being the cautious man he is, SIma Yi eventually decides to turn his entire army around and leave.
Zhuge Liang later points out that the plan was
based specifically on the fact that he was facing his rival; if it had been anyone else, there’s no way it would have worked.
A dumber or less cautious person would have simply charged in and won without breaking a sweat.
and that’s the real genius here: it was a plan formed entirely just to deceive
, and it
Zhuge Liang is the most brilliant, sneaky-ass bastard in history. One time his side’s army was out of arrows, which pretty much meant they were screwed. So Zhuge Liang goes and does the logical thing, which is build a fuck ton of scarecrows and put them all on boats. Then he makes the men hide in the boats and sail them out on the river.
Well, that day was super foggy (which Zhuge Liang had predicted. Did I mention he was also a freakishly accurate meteorologist?). So the enemy across the river sees a fleet of boats armed to the teeth with what appears to be half an army of men. They panic! and start firing arrows like crazy.
Zhuge Liang lets this play out for a while, then he’s like, ”Ok guys that’s enough.” They calmly turn the boats around and go back to base, where they dismantle the scarecrows and pull out all the enemy’s arrows.
Zhuge Liang is legend.
-I love this post. It just keeps getting better. Like seriously, I would have adored learning about this in World History.
Well fuck, now I wish I watched the stupid sports game.
SERIOUSLY, WHAT DID I MISS?
WHAT DOES THIS WONDERFUL THING HAVE TO DO WITH THE SPORTS GAME?
I WOULD HAVE WATCHED IF YOU SAID THERE WERE DANCING SHARKMEN!
-The sports game also had a giant metal tiger. I was stunned.
WHAT THE BUGFUCKING SHIT?
WHEN DID MY SUBCONSCIOUS GET INVOLVED WITH THE HALF TIME SHOW?
WHY DIDN’T IT TELL ME?!
I call bullshit upon this graph’s anti-reptile bias.
My lizard is WAY more fun than any of the dogs I’ve had to take care of.
"All dogs go to Heaven"