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Common Difficulties in Love and Solution

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by

Lydia Wong

on 11 November 2013

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Transcript of Common Difficulties in Love and Solution

What is Love?
Fifth Difficulty - Not making your relationship priority
Second difficulty
Passion gone out
Not being comfortable about your partner's true side
No longer as loving or caring or responsible as when you were firstly in love
Easier to lash out and blame your partner
Partner is no longer attractive to you
Solution
Texting "I love you," frequently
Celebrate every anniversary
Stop complaining and do something for one another without expecting anything in return from each other.
Have new experiences and go for a holiday together
Dress to impress your partner

Advantages of couple with passion
Go on to the level of compassionate love -> endure your love
Reignite your relationship
First Difficulty
Trust
Key part of a relationship
Hiding details about your feeling and thought-> distancing yourself from your lover
Afraid partner might judge you negatively
Solutions
Respect your partner's boundaries
Don't overact when things go wrong
Remember the promises that you have made
Never say things you can't take back.
Don't tell lie to your partner even a little lie is not appropriate

Advantages of couple with trust:
bring both of you closer
Avoid pain and hurt

Third Difficulty
Conflicts

"There is no such thing as a relationship without conflict."
Commenting negatively on your partner behaviour, over and above the current problem
Blame your partner rather than blaming yourself
May lead to physical violence
Davis, Chan Ki Chung (Leader)
Cherry, Cheung Lai Ni
Sallly, Wang Lee Man
Lydia, Wong Lok Ting

Common Difficulties in Love and Possible Solution
Video
Solution
You and your partner can learn to argue in a more civil, helpful manner, (Silverman , 2005)
Apologize when you're wrong
Realize you are not a victim. It is your choice whether you react and how you react.
Both you and your partner stay true to yourself
Take responsibility for your own emotions
Respect your partner's views
Be prepared to compromise (Reach a win-win solution is for both partners to give some ground )


Both you and your partner are busy
Passion gone out
Have not enough time for work, family, friends and lover
Solution
Respect one another. Say "thank you," and "I appreciate..." It lets your partner know that they matter.
Plan to have date regularly
Strike a balance between work and life
When you are with your partner, be there for each other. Leave everything else behind.
Advantages of couple with less and healthy conflicts
An opportunity to understand each other better
Clarify your partner's needs and values
Fourth Conflict- Sex
Label having sex is one of the symbol to prove that you love your partner
Lack of intimacy and pleasure to motivate you and your partner to have sex
Lack of attraction
Plan or make appointment to have sex with your partner
Not a must to have sex at night
Mark down the date to have sex on calendar
consulting a qualified sex therapist

Advantages of couple have sex regularly
Keeps couples together and closer
Releases hormones that help your bodies both physically and mentally

Solution
Lee’s six styles of Love
(colors of Love)
(John.L,1973)

Characteristics of colors of Love

Identify six attitudes or styles of love by using Greek words to describe
Reflect both fixed personality traits and more attitudes
Encompass people’s conceptions of love and color the romantic relationships(Lee,A. John,1973)
There are 6 styles including 3 primary and 3 secondary styles
When one type of color (simple style) mixed with another one, a new type of color (secondary style) will be formed
Bowlby’s (1969)
Attachment Theory
Attachment Style-Secure
Being comfortable depending on their partners and having their partners depend on them
X worry about being abandoned or about their partner getting too close
Believe that romantic love could be maintained
Love relationships
friendly, warm, trusting and supportive


Attachment Style-Avoidant
Difficult to trust others in romantic relationships
Fear intimacy
X believe in romantic love
Get annoyed with their partners easily
More likely to seek superficial sexual encounters with others
Love relationships
Lacking warmth
Lacking in friendly interactions
Low in emotional intimacy


Attachment Style-Anxious
Worry that partners don’t really love them
--> engage in controlling behaviors
Perceive their partners are unsupportive and untrustworthy
Fear of rejection and abandonment
Love relationships
Obsession
Passion
Strong physical attraction


Primary Styles of Love
High self-confidence and self-esteem
Unrealistic, or trapped in a fantasy
Love is very intense and passionate
Focus more on beauty and physical attraction, and exclude other qualities
Sensitive to imperfections of their partner or the ones they love.

Eros
View love as a game
Usually want sex for pleasure, love is not to be taken too seriously
Move from partner to partner and often have several partners at the same time
Don’t reveal their true thoughts and feelings to their partner
No intention of including the partners in any future life plans
Believe that lies and deception are justified in the relationship

Ludos
Solid, stable and enduring love based on a solid foundation of trust, respect and friendship
View and trust partner as an “old friend”
Lack passion and intensity
Find a compatible relationship and shares common interests with beloved
Focus on long-term commitment, and opposed to short-term pleasure
Less emphasis on passion, lust, and sex
Storge
尿欲Secondary Styles of Love

Combinations of two of the primary types
Love intensely
Worrying about loss of love
Obsessive, irrational and jealous and has to possess the beloved completely
Poor self esteem ,their self-worth come from being loved rather than from inner satisfaction
Frequently put love to the test for the sake of reassurance
Force commitment from partners

Mania
(Eros + Ludos)

a practical and realistic Love
Evaluate potential mates very carefully
Emphasize on suitable mate than on passion, pleasure.
Don’t rely so much on feelings but on logic
View love as useful tool to satisfy their desires, wants and needs in order to make the rest of life easier

Pragma
(Ludos + Storage)
Like more a philosophical kind of love than romantic love
Gets more pleasure from giving in a relationship than from receiving
A spiritual love, offered without concern for personal reward or gain
Less emphasis on passion and sexuality

Agape
(Eros + Storage)
Findings in colors of Love

Men
More in styles of Eros, Ludos and Agape(Frazier & Asterly, 1990,Handrick,2006)

More sexually permissive, and more responsible to take care their partners in a romantic relationship
Since men emphasize the importance on sexuality, they are emotionally dependent on their partners

More endorse in Mania , Pragma and Storge (Frazier & Asterly, 1990,Handrick,2006)

Less emphasis on sexuality
More friendship oriented regarding to their romantic love
Choose a partner can be a provider for their living-more practical and rely on their partners

Women
Agenda
Lee’s six styles of Love (colors of Love)
Bowlby’s (1969) Attachment Theory
Common difficulties in Love
Possible Solutions
What is Romantic Love
Romantic love, as defined by psychologist Nathaniel Branden, is "a passionate spiritual-emotional-sexual attachment between a man and a woman that reflects a high regard for the value of each other's person."

Rubin's Scales of
Liking and Loving
Liking: warmth, closeness, and admiration of another
Loving:
Attachment-
--The need to be cared for and be with the other person
Caring
---Valuing the other person’s happiness and needs as much as your own
Intimacy
---Sharing private thoughts, feelings, and desires with the other person

Rubin's Scales of
Liking and Loving
examples of the questions in the scale
I feel strong feelings of possessive towards _____.
I think that __ and I are quite similar to each other.
I have great confidence in _____’s good judgment.
I would do almost anything for ____________.
I think that __________ is usually well-adjusted.
I find it easy to ignore __________'s faults.

Bowlby’s (1969) Attachment Theory
Originally developed in the context of infants and their caregivers
Bowlby: adult love relationships function as reciprocal attachment bonds
Help us to understand the ways adults treat romantic relationships
How to Feel More Secure
For insecure people
Don't deny or idealize your adverse childhood attachment history
Understand of how current relationship perceptions are linked to their attachment histories
 Reconsider and re-conceptualize current expectations and biases of close relationships
Secure people could be helped by showing them the proper trust and support

Advantages of putting your relationship in first priority
Feel respect from your partner
Let your partner know you both take the relationship seriously
Your relationship may be more stable -> further commitment
Q & A Section
The End
References
A. Lloyd Wadsworth &Wayne Weiten (2000).Psychology Applied to Modern Life:Adjustment at the turn of the century (6th Edition). United states of America.
Douglas T. Kenrick, Steven L. Neuberg, Robert B. Lialdini Dearson (2005), Social Psychology ,University The Mystery(3rd Edtion), United States of America.
Richard J . Gerig Philip G. Zimbardo(2004), Psychology and life (17th Edition),United States of America. Publisher, Pearson , Allynard. Bacon
David G. Myers(2002) .Social Psychology(7th Edition). International Edition.
Hendrick,C.& Hendrick, S.S.(1989) Research on Love: Does it meaure up? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology ,56,784-794
Sharon S. Brehm,Saul M. Kassin.(2005).Social Psychology (5th Edition). International Edition.
Lee, J.A (1973).Colors of love: An exploration of the ways of loving. Toronto: New Press.
Kendra Cherry. Rubin's Scales of Liking and Loving: Measuring Romantic Attachment. Retrieved October 3,2013, from About .com Psychology.

Hepper, E. G., & Carnelley, K. B. (2012). Attachment and romantic relationships: The role of models of self and other.
In M. Paludi (Ed.),The psychology of love(Vol. 1, pp. 133-154).
Santa Barbara, CA: Praeger. Shaver, P., R., and Mikulincer, M. (2006). A Behavioural Systems Approach to Romantic Love Relationships: Attachment, Caregiving, and Sex.
In R. J. Sternberg, and K. Weis, (eds.), The New Psychology of Love, pp. 35-65. Yale University.
Noscenlupus(2011)Rubin’s Scales of Liking and Loving. Retrieved October 2,2013, from http://nocenslupus.wordpress.com/2011/10/08/rubins-scales-of-liking-and-loving/
Grohol, J. (2007). Rubin’s Love Scale and Rubin’s Liking Scale. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 6, 2013, from http://psychcentral.com/lib/rubins-love-scale-and-rubins-liking-scale/000792
Truth About Deception.Attachment Styles, or Comfort with Intimacy, Influence How People Behave,Retrieved October 1,2013 ,,from http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/relationship-issues/attachment-styles.html
Kira Hoffman, Psy.D.(2013) Attachment Theory: How to Feel More Secure in Your Romantic Relationships. Retrieved October 3,2013, from https://www.wellsanfrancisco.com/attachment-theory-how-to-feel-more-secure-in-your-romantic-relationships/

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