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Crucial Conversations: Master My Stories
Transcript of Crucial Conversations: Master My Stories
3 Typical Ways To Handle Crucial Conversations
Mastering My Stories
How to Stay in Dialogue When You're Angry, Scared, or Hurt
Crucial Conversation (n)
(kroo shel kan vur sa shen)
A discussion between 2 or
more people where (1) Stakes
are high, (2) opinions vary, and
(3) emotions run high.
1. Completely avoid the conversation
2. Face the conversation and handle it poorly
3. Face the conversation and handle it well
The focus of this presentation
will be gaining control of crucial
conversations by taking charge of emotions.
Emotions Don't Just Happen
Other people do not make us mad,
we make ourselves mad, scared, annoyed
Master emotions or...
Fall hostage to them
Maria and Luis are co-workers working on a project together. During the presentation to their boss, Louis took over while Maria was talking and presented all of her points. When the boss turned to Maria for her input she had nothing to say because Louis had said it all. Throughout the project Maria had already felt humiliated and angry because Louis discussed their suggestions with the boss behind her back. Now that he monopolized the entire presentation she was very upset.
Maria's reasoning behind Louis' treatment is because she is the only woman on the team.
to take cheap
shots at Louis
and make sarcastic comments.
Louis is confused by her behavior.
How Feelings Drive Actions
When Maria heard and saw what Louis did
she created an emotion and then took action.
Is there something that happens
between feelings and actions?
SEE & HEAR
TELL A STORY
Yes. After we see and right before we feel, we tell ourselves a story. We try to guess and analyze why the behavior is taking place. During this stage judgement is also made. Our bodies respond based on those stories and thoughts.
Louis presented all my points and
meets privately with the boss
He thinks I am weak and he doesn't trust me.
I'm worried and hurt
How can we change this behavior?
ACT: Notice your Behavior
Ask Yourself: Am I acting silent or violent in anyway?
FEEL: Get in touch with your feelings
Ask Yourself: What Emotions Are Encouraging me to act this way?
TELL STORY: Analyze Your Stories
Ask Yourself: What story is creating these emotions?
SEE/HEAR: Get Back To The Facts
Ask Yourself: What evidence do I have to support this story?
Taking an honest look at yourself can help with story making.
Stop and notice the reaction you are having to the situation.
Do not try to justify your actions but rather ask yourself... "How would others see my actions"? and "What would they say about my behavior"?
When we know the emotions we feel, it allows for a more accurate look at situations.
This helps in knowing what is going on and why.
It is very important to accurately identify feelings.
An example can be sometimes embarrassment can be confused as anger or feelings of violation as unhappiness.
After you have pinpointed what you feel, question your feelings and stories.
Ask yourself, "Under the given circumstances, is this this the right feeling and am I telling the right story"
Questioning the feelings we have opens up the ability to question the stories we have made.
Don't confuse the stories you've made with facts.
Separate the facts from the story by looking at the source of your feelings.
Test it with the following questions:
Can I see or hear what I am calling a fact?
For example Maria thinking Louis doesn't trust her is only a conclusion. It explains what Maria thinks but not what Louis actually did.
RETRACING PATH TO ACTION
PATH TO ACTION
Lets see how to deal with emotions and have a healthy dialogue.
Thank You for watching my presentation!
Patterson. , Grenny, , McMillan, , & Switzler, (2012). Crucial conversations: Tools for talking when stakes are high. (2nd ed.). McGrawHill.
VitalSmarts. (2012). Dr. dialogue | darth vader [Web]. Retrieved from http://www.youtube.com/ watch?v=gwOMfb_-AQk