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Crucial Conversations

Presentation to building administrators
by

matthew koskela

on 23 January 2013

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Transcript of Crucial Conversations

Tools for Talking
When Stakes are High Crucial Conversations And Who Cares? What's a Crucial Conversation? What is a Crucial Conversation? Mastering Crucial Conversations Start with Heart Learn to Look Make it Safe Putting it all Together The Power of Dialogue Mastering Crucial Conversations How to Stay Focused on What You Really Want Start with Heart How to Notice When Safety Is at Risk Learn to Look How to Make It Safe to Talk About Almost Anything Make it Safe Tools for Preparing and Learning Putting It All Together How to Stay in Dialogue When You're Angry, Scared, or Hurt Master My Stories How to Speak Persuasively, Not Abrasively STATE My Path How to Listen When Others Blow Up or Clam Up Explore Others' Paths Advice for Tough Cases Yeah, But A Crucial Conversation First, Opinions Vary Third, Emotions Run Strong Second, Stakes are High What is it? 2. Face them and handle them poorly 1. Avoid 3. Face them and handle them well (cc) photo by medhead on Flickr How Do We Typically Handle Crucial Conversations? Adrenaline is pumped into your bloodstream Brain diverts blood to major muscle groups Hairs stand up on the back of your neck Higher-level reasoning sections of your brain get LESS, causing you to turn into this! Conversation turns Crucial! But hopefully not this... We are Designed Wrong! Silence Kills! Taking Shortcuts
Exhibiting Incompetence
Breaking Rules or Policy The real problem is that those who observe this SAY NOTHING! Silence can negatively impact safety, productivity, and decreases TRUST Fool's Choice Option 1. Telling the Truth Refuse! Be Honest and Respectful Option 2. Keeping a Friend Mr. K, Do you like my new hairdo? Don't make the fool's choice! Dialogue and Filling the Pool of Shared Meaning "When it comes to risky, controversial, and emotional conversations, skilled people find a way to get all relevant information (from themselves and others) out into the open." (p. 23) The Pool of Shared Meaning is the Birthplace of Synergy. The best way to fix "us" is to start with "me." "Skilled people Start with Heart. That is, they begin high-risk discussions with the right motives, and they stay focused no matter what happens." p. 36 Don't resort to debate, silent treatment, manipulation, and so on. (volume and proximity) Dialogue Killers:

Winning
Punishing
Keeping the Peace Don't Lose Sight of What you Really Want! Refocus your brain. Stop and ask yourself some questions that return you to dialogue. What do I really want for myself?
What do I really want for others?
What do I really want for the school? Find your bearings...
Locate your own * North Star * Learning to Look is a form of "Social First Aid" Look at the content
Look at the conditions
The sooner you notice you're not in dialogue, the easier it is to get back and lower the costs. Look for when things become crucial Some people first notice their PHYSICAL signals-stomach gets tight, raising voice
Others notice their EMOTIONS-scared, hurt or angry Brain is beginning to disengage and you are moving away from healthy dialogue. Learn to look for Safety Problems When it's safe, you can say anything
Dialogue calls for the free flow of meaning
Nothing kills the flow of meaning like FEAR
People begin pushing their ideas too hard, or they start withdrawing and hiding (fight or flight) Silence and Violence When people start to feel unsafe, they start down one of two unhealthy paths...
Silence (withholding meaning from the pool)
Violence (trying to force meaning in the pool) Silence Masking
Avoiding
Withdrawing Violence Controlling
Labeling
Attacking Look for YOUR Style Under Stress Style Under Stress Test p. 64
or www.CrucialConversations.com/sus Mutual Purpose Working toward a common outcome in the conversation
Must care about the common interest of others-not just our own Mutual Respect When people feel disrespected, they become highly charged But can you respect people that you just don't respect? feelings of disrespect come when we dwell on how others are DIFFERENT from ourselves
we can counteract these feelings by looking for ways we are SIMILAR What to do if you see that either Mutual Respect or Purpose is at risk... Step out of the conversation, then:
Apologize
Contrast
Create a Mutual Purpose Contrasting -When others misinterpret either your purpose or your intent, use contrasting. -It's a don't/do statement. You Try

I don't want___________
I do want_____________ Case Study #1 One of your colleagues doesn't contribute or give much input when it comes to creating lesson plans. They do, however, accept lessons created by others but often complains about them. Up until now, you haven't said anything, but it is really weighing on you. Is this a crucial conversation? How would you approach this differently? Case Study #2 A student in your class is struggling behaviorally but when you attempt to discuss this with the parent, she becomes very assertive and aggressive with you. She doesn't see this at home and can't believe her child would act like this at school. Is this a crucial conversation? How would you approach this parent? Case Study #3 You are walking to the lounge when you notice another teacher grab a student by the arm and in a loud stern voice say, "This is NOT how we behave here at Countryside. Do you need to practice this during your recess today?" Normally you would avoid confronting the teacher. Is this a crucial conversation? How would you approach this teacher?
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