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people who really shouldn't exist

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by

Melissa Ferree Olson

on 13 February 2014

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Transcript of people who really shouldn't exist

People Who Really Shouldn't Exist
Because They Make Retail Jobs Awful

by Melissa Olson
The Bargainer
You know the type. Everything is too expensive, and everyone knows it because they're more that happy to tell you. Cashiers don't have a meeting every morning debating pricing of all the inventory in the store. Prices won't change because you complain about them. Your most useful voice as a customer is your wallet; just don't buy it! These people are the most minor of offenders, because they're a slight nuisance, and they only impact a few people per visit on average.
The Extremely Late Coupon-er
These customers will argue the validity of a coupon to their death, and then spend an equal amount of time complaining that willing the coupon to work didn't go as planned. Because they slow down a busy store, and some of them border on harassing cashiers, somehow making their 50 cent savings worth it, Extremely Late Coupon-ers are worse than Bargainers.
The Bad Returner
The six month old candle you're trying to exchange on the grounds of defectiveness is no longer in stock, so it can't be exchanged. You also didn't save your receipt? Unfortunately we have to pay you the lowest price over the past year. As it is on clearance, you will be getting $2.16 back. Would you like to proceed with the return? No? These customers are worse than Late Coupon-ers because they are extremely likely to verbally assault customer service personnel. Plus, if their item does get returned, the store cannot do anything with it, and it just rots in storage for an eternity.
The Exact Changer
They hold up the line every time they check out, as opposed to the occasional major inconveniences of Bad Returners. This time adds up, as well as making cashiers seem slow to their superiors. A half sincere apology doesn't make up for the time lost, but cashiers are programmed to say something like 'Not a problem!' with an elfish demeanor.
The Unfolder
Unfolders get their own level of hell because of the hellish process of putting a store back together after a visit from these swarming locusts. More often than not, these people have no intention of buying the items they're messing with; they're just curious about the material or something of the like. At best, they're window shoppers. At worst, they're heathens. Yet, attendants have to greet them as loyal customers and thank them for coming in when they inevitably leave empty handed.
They shop in a store forever with wallets full of cash, but as soon as they get to a register, it all disappears except for one dollar less than their purchase.
They are stuck in a store forever. Every time they reach for valid coupons, the coupons expire right before their eyes, and they are rendered mute. Unable to explain their circumstances, they must pay the regular price for an item. However, their wallets are the same as the Bargainers'.
These people, if you can even call them that, get to spend eternity frozen, alone in sub zero temperatures with no blankets because they returned all of their blankets.
Exact Changers will spend an eternity swimming in a sea of change, some of which is broken into pieces and jagged.
These people swim in magma, suffering until the end of time. They have visions of clothes that they desperately want to unfold, and they swim endlessly searching for them.
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