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Transcript of LOVE
PREDICTING ROMANTIC ATTRACTION
Physical and personal characteristics, kindness, intelligent, happy outlook.
The key is similarity.
In values, lifestyles, favorite activities and beliefs.
WORDS FOR LOVE
The prototype approach to Love
OXYTOCIN: THE LOVE TRANSMITTER?
Biologically speaking there is only one kind of love, which appeares different ways in different circumstances.
The question, "What is love?" has been proved to be a very difficult question, not only for the everyday people, but even emotion researchers as well.
OXYTOCIN: THE LOVE TRANSMITTER?
In greek 3 words for different types of love:
EROS: based on passion and „chemistry”
LADUS: love ad a kind of game-playing, with frequent changes of partners.
STORGE: baised mainly on friendship, more natural feeling, like parent-offspring attachment.
BUT our use of this single word implies some huge differences, as certainly the love we feel toward our parents not the same as towards romantic partner, and neither of them is like love of a really good Thai food.
In the English language, the world "love" refers to the way you feel toward your romantic partner, parents, children, other family members, close friends, pets, chocolate, a day at the beach, television shows, music, great restaurants, and a favorite sweater.
We also have to note, that love felt for any one target itself is very complex.
For example, in the case of a in relationship you might feel concern, grattitude, dependence, physical attraction, warmth, and also a number of other feelings.
These feelings and that which of them is prominent varies from person to person and also from time to time.
So in the following we gonna explore:
researches social scientists produced on love and other emotions in close relationships
theories about different types of love
biological and behavioral aspects of love
the role of marriage
ways in which people in close relationships "read" in each other's emotions
AND SORRY, but you have to give up your hopes, because you not gonna get an answer to the question
"How will I know when I'm really in love?"
"How will I recognize true love?"
any answer would be totally vague and unsatisfying.
IS LOVE AN EMOTION?
Is we ask people to write a list of emotions, on e of the most common response is "love" (Fehr & Russell, 1984)
when psychologists list the basic emotions, most do not include "love".
Many psychologists consider it as an
a combination of beliefs, feeling and behaviors directed towards a person, object or category
it resemble emotions as theth include cognition, feeling and behavior aspect, but with attitudes the
cognitive aspect is emphasized
, while with emotions the feeling
most important distinction:
attitudes are long-lasting, whereas emotions may be brief states
Considering Love as an attitude, emphases, that you always wish the best for those who you love even in moments when your emotions are not intense.
Others have described love, especially romantic love, as a
culturally learned set of expectations about events, thoughts, feelings and behaviors (Skolnick, 1978)
Both approach conclude, that the whole package of love is too complex to reflect a single "basic" emotion.
Beverly Fehr and James Russell
proposed a different approach in which they refered to "love" as a
Prototype is a set of characteristics, that describe the ideal example of some category.
Fehr and Russel instead of asking what characteristics were necessary to call sg. love, asked what are the "best examples" of love and what those have in common.
In their study they first asked participants to list as many types of love as they could and examined which types appeared the most often.
most commonly mentioned were close relationships-love for parents, children, family, romantic partners and very close friends
Then, they asked another set of participants to rate how "prototypical" twenty differents kinds of love were.
indicates, that according to people the most "love-like" types are love for family, romantic partners and close friends.
Their next step was to explore the question
"What do these best examples have in common?"
Asked a third group to rate the prototypicality of each of the 20 types of love listed in previous group, then were asked them how natural twenty sentences were in describing each type.
Found, that people reported that the kind of love they considered the most prototypical, were also the kinds that fit the best with certain statements.
The statement shown to participants is
"____ is a giving process, understanding to other, and realizing the other's faults, but accepting them".
Clearly, that statement fits to romantic love mostly, but can also in a large extent to love between parents and child.
only fits awkwardly to love of a country and not at all with love of chocolate.
The conclusion they made from their researches is that, however people casually talk about loving material things, but prototypical love is mainly experienced in the context of close relationships
They also suggest with this approach, that if love is an emotion, its main function has to do with building an maintaining close relationships
Bowlby's three type of love
John Bowlby represents another approach, which tries to identify qualitatively different types of love.
Based on his observations he described
three distinct "behavioral programs"
that he considered the biological foundations of bonding within families.
According to Bowlby, each of these programs includes an important and distinct,
His typology of behavioral programs suggests distinction amog
three kinds of love.
1. Love as attachment
to parents and other caregivers
first experience of love is for their parents
- who care for and nurture us on a daily basis
newborns not too selective whom they interact, this changes when they start to move around independently, and thus risk getting separated from who protect and care for them
this new pattern of behavior called
- a long-lasting emotional bond between the individual and a few regular caregivers producing a desire to be near to that person
does not really have a single emotion word that applies to feelings of love for caregivers.
comes close - it describes the feeling of pleasurable dependence on another person, like feeling an infant has towards its mother.
and the caregiving system
the second behavioral program of Bowlby called the
motivates parents to nurture and protect their offspring, especially while they are young and helpless
emotion researchers described three emotion states that could be associated with the activation of a caregiving system:
, defined as a concerned attention towards someone, who is suffering
, emphasizing that the recipient in distress
, is an emotion elicited by cues ofyouth and vulnerability, which motivates caregiving intended to enhance the other's well-being
The concepts differ in a subtle, but very important way:
sympathy and compassion are responses to distressed person, while nurturant love is evoked by sg. helpless or cute, it does not include the component of sadness
Bowlby's third behavioral program, the
relates to sexual interest in people who are likely to be good reproductive partners
There are many important question that comes up, when we talk about sexual desire and attraction :
Who are those people we found attractive?
Of course, this varies from person to person, but most people, across culture agree on a few features that enhance attractiveness.
- healthy people are sexier than unhealthy people
( in case of women long and clean hair, flushed skin are considered as attractive as they are quick to show signs of malnutrition or illness)
- around .70, when the waist is smaller than the hips
(as it suggests a healthy level of nutrition and hips wide enough to bear a children without extrem risk)
Interesting to mention though, that preference for overall body weight is not universal- some culture consider very thin, as others rather heavy women attractive.
they are familiar, make us feel comfortable, also represent genes that have suceeded in past generations
All of these suggests, that attractiveness should be positively correlated with physical health and fertility.
Several studies have examined this relationships and some found small, but significant relationship, while others do not.
Jason Weeden and John Sabini (2005)
concluded, that only waist-to-hip ratio was significantly associated with actual physical health and fertility.
Do we find different features attractive in men versus women?
It seems obvious that we should, and yet research suggests considerable similarity.
studies, that use computer techniques manipulate photographs find, that
softer, more rounded features with large eyes and small nose -
is attractive in both women's and men's faces.
In addition to good look, we also
attracted to people with certain personality characteristics. BUT which one?
people seek happy disposition and kidness towards others
also attracted to intelligence and a sense of humor
But both men and women value these features in a comparable degree.
The effect of personality has a stronger impact on women's perception of men's attractivness, than the other way around.
How do people behave when they feel sexual desire?
Monica Moore (1985)
went to bar to observe the flirting bahvior of women:
displayed "darting glance", look at him for couple of minutes and looking away
some tossed their heads, flipped their hair, licked their lips
compered their behavior in other locations, where flirting was less appropriate (cafeteria, library) - displayed previously listed behavior far less
Gammer et al. (2000)
- suggested, that men display fewer non-verbal flirting behavior than women. they simply approach a women and start to talk with her when interested
The experience of desire associated with a complex interplay of relaxation and sympathetic nervous system arousal.
Physiology of sexual desire
Parasympathetic activation is needed in order to get sexually aroused at the first place
as sexual desire increases, however, sympathetic activation increases leading to increased heart rate, blood pressure, flushing and overall muscle tension
This response prepares the body of the physical exertion of sex.
Although the distinguishing of these programs is theoretically reasonable, not all examples of love fall into one category or another.
a close friendship may include a mixture of attachment and caregiving
or, romantic relationships generally include all three behavioral programs at various times
Some mom says „Fall in love with her baby”, like with its daddy
Manny moms experience sexual arousal while nursing.
One similarity among attachment, caregiving and sex is the pituitary hormone:
Skin-to-skin touch releases oxytocin wich helps maternal bonding some couples focus on the daily skin-to-skin touch to warm up their relationship
(Its a little bit of mechanic way)
Baby rats injected with chemical that interferes with oxytocin fails to develop preference for their mother’s smell, suggesting that the hormone helps mediate infant attachment to the mother.
(Nelson & Panksepp, 1996)
In most mammalian species, a male mates with a female and then ignores her and her babies, but some species, male and female form long-term pais bonds and the male helps with infant care. Those, with the long-term bond show more oxytocin and vasopressin in certain brain areas during sex.( Cartes, 1998, Young 2002).
This result suggests that sexual activity may lead to attachment in mammals with high levels of these hormones.
A study of married couples found that men with more vasopressin receptors have closer relationships with their wives and are less likely to have considered divorce (
Walum et al,. 2008
It stimulates the uterus to contract while giving birth
Also stimulates the mammary glands to produce and release milk and to facilitate maternal behavior
Oxytocin and vasopressin play important role in human behavior as well:
: is the ability to figure out what another person is thinking and feeling
is actually feeling what another person is feeling, usually including similar psychology and expression as well as subjective experience.
William Ickes and his colleagues (1990) brought men and women who had never met into the lab and left them alone for several minutes.
During this period the two participants were videotaped. At the end of this period, the participants were taken to separate rooms, shown the videotape and asked to stop the tape every time they remember having specific thought or feeling. These were then instructed to write down the thought and note whether these were feeling positive, neutral or negative.
Each participant then watched the tape again, but this time the esperimenter stopped the tape every time the other person reported having thought or felt something. The participant then had to guess what the other person was thinking and feeling.
If you guess, ladies were more accurate, than you are WRONG! They are equaly accurate.
NOTE: Its possible, that women are more expressive and that men had an easier task.
Accuracy rised when their partner talked more about themselves. More accurate when with an attractive partner, than a less attractive one.
Romantic Love and Marriage
Half of the marriages in America end with divorce suggesting that manny people either dont know how to choose the right partner or don’t know how to maintain love once the sparks have died down.
Arranged marriage -
parents find partner considering his financial, economic status, and the compatibility of the young couple
Are they happy?
Some yes some not. It goes also with the western cultures, free-choice-love. Study showes the Indian arranged mariages are happier that love based ones in the US, though in China tend to be less happy.
In the case of arranged marriages love may not appear at the wedding, a very strong emotional, faithful bond can develop by sharing life.
Marked by frequent thoughts about the other person, intense desire to be together and unlimited happiness from this special someone’s attention.
In this stage, each person is likely to idealize the other – to be sure about the positive qualities, but less aware of flaws.
Sometimes it can goes to a neurological level.
EXPERIMENT: (Bartels & Zeki, 2000)
17 young adults, who stated they are deeply, madly in love.
Photos of friends and their loved one were showed
while fMRI was used
Their brains showed variety of activated brain areas, including the dopamine-laden reward centers responsive to drug like cocaine and alcohol.
During passionate love-stage, the sight of the loved one produces euphoric excitement.
begin to increase their commitment to the relationship, and their integration into each other’s lives
introduction in the family, sharing sources, living and spendig the hollidays together
being equal, protecting and take care of each other
each wishes the best for the partner
The picture of the idealized partner brake into little pieces with the first stinky wrapped socks, awfull dishes, awkward habbits and stupid tv shows that the other loves, but we have no idea why.
We will find out the bigger-smaller incompatibilities, that need to negotiate or accept to get along.
Though some charachteristics can’t be accapted by everyone, no matter how much you try to turn around the situation.
E.g: a woman may tolerate better her boyfrend’s occasional impulsieness or shoking comments if she regards these behaviors as evidence of „spontaneity and honesty” instead of „bad judgment and disrespect”.
This rule holds especially for people who like themselves in the first place – if like yourself, you will probably like a partner who is similar.
Don’t do it just to improve a bad relationship
(also goes with children).
Most marriages, that end with divorce were shaky from the start.
More likely to last if:
were over 20 when they married
grew u pin two parent homes
dated for long time before marrying, but did not love together
have about the same level of education, especially a high level education
have a good income
have a long term happy disposition
live in small town or a rural area
are religious and of the same relgigious affiliation
are approximately the same age and have similar attitudes
have sexual relation often, and arguments rarely
THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE:
„You never help me with the housework! You are so lazy! Even my little sister could do better!”
usually a response to a criticism, with denying.
„You are such a perfectionist, no matter how hard i try, will be never enough! If it bothers you, do it yourself!”
Rolling one’s eye, being sarcastic, insulting. Anything, that suggests incompetence.
„You suck at this. I will call my mom , she will tell you how to cook it properly”
shutting out the other, hide feelings, stop communication.
the distinction is that although scripts include the experience of emotions, they go beyond them to aspects of situation and appropriate behavior
even if you do not accept this script, everyone accepts some other assumptions about what happens, when two people are in love
E.g. a simple American script looks like this:
"They met, it was love at first sight, overcome any obstacles and lived happily aver after"
Perception of physical attractiveness and personality are not independent.