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Divorce :

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alexis quezada

on 6 December 2014

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Transcript of Divorce :

Main Causes of divorce
Families Before Divorce
The Good Divorce
A good divorce is one in which both the adults and children emerge at least as emotionally well as they were before the divorce (Ahrons).
The Bad Divorce
Results of Divorce with No Children Involved
Turns in Communication (After Divorce)
The hardest part is finally saying goodbye and coming to terms that it is finally over.
When there are no children involved there is no real reason to keep in contact with the ex-husband or ex-wife.
U.S. Divorce rates
Results of Divorce with Children Involved
Researchers have found that only a relatively small percentage of children experience serious problems
Divorce
Why do people get divorced ?
What causes divorce ?
Families After Divorce
By: Loyda, Alexis, Paulina, and Mia
The History Of Divorce
Bad Communication Habits
When did divorce become "okay" ?
The First and most famous divorce dates all the way back to King Henry VIII
• Criticism of partners' personality
• Stonewalling
RESOURCE SLIDE:

Poor communication:
http://www.gottman.com/research/research-faqs/

Personality flaws:
http://personalityspirituality.net/articles/the-michael-teachings/chief-features/

Stonewalling:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201212/how-ruin-perfectly-good-relationship-0

Divorce rates:
http://divorce.lovetoknow.com/Historical_Divorce_Rate_Statistics

Divorce isn't so bad for kids:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/06/25/kids-divorce_n_5505002.html

Dishonesty:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/06/divorce-causes-5-marriage_n_2785438.html

10 common reasons your marriage has ended in Divorce: http://www.yourtango.com/experts/yourtango-experts/top-causes-divorce-expert#.VIEzbyjJ5UQ


Most divorce took place amongst the royal families when the women could not bare a male heir
With the divorce back then the women had to have died or committed a series of major crimes
The crimes ranged from adultery to incest, the only way back then was for the priest to give the annulment
Pointing out partners inefectiveness
- stubbornness
(resisting change in one's life)
- greed
(selfish overindulgence or over-consumption)

- arrogance
(inflating, exalting, overvaluing oneself)
- impatience
(reacting as though being obstructed or sabotaged)
- martyrdom
(reacting as if victimized/oppressed/persecuted)

Communication
(Continued)
Children experience short-term negative effects from divorce, especially anxiety, anger, shock and disbelief.
These reactions will disappear normally after the first year. Only a small number of children will react longer.
Pointing out flaws such as the seven chief features, here are five of them:
- Shutting your partner out

- Listening (if at all) is done dismissively or contemptuously

- Saying things like:
"That's it, I'm done"
"End of conversation"
"Leave me alone"
"Do whatever you want..."
The refusal to consider your partners perspective
"According to a 2011 report by the Census Bureau, divorce rates grew steadily during the 60's, 70's, and the 80's."

1970: 33%
1975: 48%
1980: 52%
1985: 50%
An interpretation of the information gathered by the Census Bureau over the decades shows that American divorce rates fluctuate.
REMEMBER:
"
Effective communication is when your message is not simply sent, but transmitted and received by the listener."
• Bad Communication Habits

• Financial Situation

• Dishonesty/Unfaithfulness

• Women's Movement
One should be able to discuss these things with a partner, if he or she is open to it, but it should not be a one way road or it is perceived as criticism or accusations from the perspective of the receiver.
Bad Communication Habits
(continued)
Having a Win-Lose Attitude
Touchy subjects make it easy to become judgemental and defensive.
FOR EXAMPLE:
•finger-pointing
•finding fault
•wanting to have the last word

These things all lead to communication breakdowns.
THE EFFECTS OF DIVORCE AREN'T ALWAYS BAD FOR CHILDREN!
In marriages with a lot of conflict, "staying together for the kids" might do more harm than good.
Staying together will expose the kids to everyday conflict, this can affect their relationships in the future.
Sometimes, after a divorce, children get to see their parents as real people with real feelings. Growing up, parents are usually seen as superheroes... but they're actually normal people with wants, needs, and desires.
(for example, getting married and being unhappy might be a normal thing for them)
IN FACT:
When you're born into a family with already married parents, you see them as just that
parents.
But when
divorce
hits, whole new sides of your parents open up to you.


You see some hard but important things, like how your parents face sadness and cope with disappointment.
Some cases have shown that in the long run, children of divorced parents have gained further problem solving skills than if they were to be raised in a home where their parents engaged in a lot of conflict.

Leading to Divorce
How many times do you catch yourself saying "yes" when you really mean "no?"
Sending mixed messages.
Interrupting, finishing sentences and forgetting to pause.
Not having a shared vision of success.
After Divorce
Bad
Arguing
Yelling
Accusing
Friendly/kind
Good
You speak more kindly of each other
Remind yourself that you are independent individuals now.
Make sure that you talk in a soft and calm voice.
Keep your discussions within the bounds of the shared issue.

Turns in Communication
Parents and children after divorce, when parents still don't get along
• For the most part, children find comfort in their siblings, they support one another

• Because the parents don't get along, sometimes they communicate through their children, which is not always effective. (ex)
- "Tell your mom you're staying here for thanksgiving"
"but mom says we spent thanksgiving here last year.."
"Tell your mom I don't care, you spent Christmas there last year; it's only fair."

• In some cases, children begin to view their parents as friends as well. (spending lots of time alone, etc.)
Turns in Communication
Between Ex Spouses
Financial Situation
Not Talking about finances
•Differences in money management styles.
Hiding purchases or debts
•A struggling economy only makes things worse.
•If you know that money management is a true problem.
•Create a Financial Performance Improvement Plan.
•Talk to other couples about how they handle the same issues.
How a Financial Situation Can be a Cause for Divorce
Instability- if only one person in the relationship works and it isn't enough OR both work and it isn't enough. If one, or both, are big spenders.

If there is a need for more money and one of the spouses, or both, need to work longer hours in order to pay bills, they might begin to grow apart.

If there is a lack of compatibility in the financial area, one makes more, then the other may begin to feel belittled especially men.
A bad divorce is when even after the divorce is settled, the partners still cannot come to terms with one another, children or not.
Turns in Communication
Dishonesty
•Different people have different opinions about what dishonesty really is.
- Dishonesty is only saying things they know not to be true
- Dishonesty can be anything misleading from the truth (ex. keeping something to yourself)

•Many people in happy relationships say that if their partner lied to them, they may not be able to continue their relationship.

For many, marriage should be built on absolute
trust
. When that trust is abused or broken, some cannot maintain that relationship.
The levels of intensity of dishonesty can vary
Some forms of dishonesty include
-Gambling

-Infidelity

-Drug Addiction

-Drinking Problems
- Between Ex Spouses

-Between Parents and Children
Women's Movement
Women want more freedom

The higher a women's education and her income, the greater is her economic independence, the more likely she is to get a divorce.

The surge in divorce in the late 60's and early 70's occurred same time as the women's movement gained momentum.
Result of divorce : Family as a whole

Child or Children will side with the parent they want more.
Children believe living with one parent is normal ( if young when divorce occurs )
Future relationships become hard to hold when having to keep in contact with the ex.
Unfaithfulness
Causes of Divorce
Lying:
- Not being truthful with your spouse.
- Going places your spouse doesn't know about and giving an excuse about it.
Cheating:
- Breaking the vows that were made between the couple.
- Ex: Sleeping around, Kissing, Holding Hands
Hiding/Secrets:
- Sneaking around
- Withholding information
- Never being available
In Conclusion
- Divorce has been more acceptable by society as time has passed, it's not even considered a big deal by some families.

- Communication, Honesty, Financial Stability, and Equality for both partners are things that are important in a marriage.
Full transcript