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The Hurting Child

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on 3 October 2013

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Transcript of The Hurting Child

Self Care & Awareness
Put on your own oxygen mask first!
Create a Supportive Environment
"It takes a village to raise a child", Support the parents/caregivers. Free them up to parent.
Divorce
Divorce brings compound losses; loss of familiarity, routine, trust, safety, sense of family. change in residence
Abandonment & Abuse
Divorce, abandonment, bullying, and abuse
The Hurting Child
Be aware of your own values and beliefs around painful emotions and grieving.
Myths about Grieving

James & Freidman
Don't feel Bad
Replace the loss
Grieve Alone
Be Strong
Keep Busy
Time Heals All Wounds
Model Emotional Intelligence
Invite Dependance/Attachment
Children express themselves in a variety of ways; give them tools
Be Authentic
The entire family unit is hurting at the same time. Parents have the challenge of dealing with their own grief and loss.
Most children report that the ongoing conflict between parents is one of the most hurtful aspects of divorce:
Separation from primary caregivers happens for a variety of reasons:
foster care
incarceration
parental addiction and mental health issues
Responding to Child Welfare Concerns:
http://www.mcf.gov.bc.ca/child_protection/pdf/child_welfare_your_role.pdf
Focus on building strong long term attachments in child's life.
Implications for Ministry

A 2006 Canadian Census found that over 65 000 children in Canada are being raised by their grandparents.
Bullying is not just about lack of social skills.

Most approaches to bullying fall short because they lack insight into the underlying dynamics. Those who perceive bullying as a behavior problem think they can extinguish the behavior by imposing sanctions and consequences. Not only do the negative consequences fail to sink in but they fuel the frustration and alienate the bullies even more. It is not the bully who is strong but the dynamics that create the bully. In the peer culture the supply of potential victims is also inexhaustible." Gordon Neufeld, Hold On To Your Kids
The answer does not lie in children's relationship with each other, it's in their relationship with their primary adult attachments.
A note on Suicide Awareness and Prevention:

Myths about suicide:
"Only Crazy People consider suicide"
"If I talk about suicide it might 'plant the idea' in my child's head
"Suicidal youth only want attention"
"Most suicides occur with no warning".
Myths about Children, Youth and Suicide
For more resources: 1-800-SUICIDE
Put on your own oxygen mask first!
Bullying
When Children Grieve:
James and Friedman
Hold On To Your Kids:
Neufeld
Raising Resilient Children
: Brooks and Goldstein
Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child:
Gottman
Books
Websites
Parenting Support, The Neufeld Institute:
neufeldinstitute.com
Couples Support, The Gottman Institute:
www.gottman.com
Crisis Intervention and Suicide Prevention:
www.crisiscentre.bc.ca
Divorce Support, Divorce Care:
www.divorcecare.org
Parent and Grief Support, listen2kids:
www.listen2kids.net
Presented by: Marlayne Penner, MC, CCC

Counsellor, Abbotsford Community Services
604-859-7681, ex 768
Marlayne.Penner@AbbotsfordCommunityServices.com
Full transcript